BDNF and larger brains in autism

Can you imagine being in a situation where there is so much stimulation, somewhere like your eyes, ears, or skin, that causes an overload of neurological impulses to the brain that makes you want to shut down? Sometimes we are in a place that has too much going on that we have to take a step back and regroup because it is clouding our brain with too much information. Well for some children with autism, this is a regular occurrence in normal activities. Now it has been shown that children who have autism having larger brains. When the brain is developing, children go through a pruning process that gets rid of unimportant dendrites in the brain so it frees up space for the important things to make more connections and become stronger. This pruning doesn't occur in this instance and there are many neurons with not as strong of connections between them.

During what people call the critical period of development, your brain is like a sponge, absorbing all new information easily. The specific nerve growth factor brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) is a chemical that plays a large role in reinforcing plastic change during the critical period. It also increases the speed of which electrical signals are being transmitted. BDNF turns on the nucleus basalis, which allows us to focus our attention and remember the stuff you are learning. Not only does it help you to learn new information easily, it also shuts down the critical period, because the brain needs some stability and isn't effortlessly plastic at all times. This is why we must be learning something that surprises us or particularly interests us or is important, because it activates the nucleus basalis which helps us to pay specific attention and store that information in our brain. Now back to autism, neuroplastician Michael Merzenich's theory of why there is no pruning and overstimulation and oversensitivity occurs is because of a premature release of BDNF. He thinks that there is a gene that predisposes children to have this premature release of the chemical that opens and closes the critical period, so that instead of important connections being reinforced, all connections are reinforced, which skips the pruning process, and since BDNF also closes the critical period, it closes earlier with many connections that are disconnected. This means that if say a child has sensitivity to auditory stimulation, if they hear one frequency, the whole auditory cortex starts firing because connections were never strengthened and therefore causes confusion in the brain when all neurons are firing at once.

So if a child has a melt down in a place that has a loud area, doesn't look you in the eye, or can't stand certain fabrics on your skin, they are not necessarily doing it on purpose. The brain is overexcited from the stimulation and cannot handle all of the stimulation at once. The brain is meant to strengthen connections that are important so we can use those repeatedly and the messages start to travel faster, which is why we end up having habits (good and bad) and can do things on autopilot (like drive to our house or place of work without consciously thinking about every turn), but when it is not allowed to strengthen the important ones and keep the unimportant ones weakened, the brain cannot differentiate and takes in all information because it thinks it's important. Remember this if you're ever around people with autism - everyone would become frustrated if their brain overly fired signals that made for chaos in the brain - so relax, and help them to relax too.

Stress

While we know that stress isn't the greatest feeling in the world, there are more complications than it making you anxious. It effects your overall brain function if you are stressed over long periods of time. Don't get me wrong, there are good types of stress and bad types of stress, but short periods of stress can pump you up and make you feel ready for anything, while long periods of stress can cause cognitive impairment and make us age faster than what we want. When we become stressed the brain releases adrenaline and cortisol from the adrenal glands which helps pump us up and feel ready for battle. These hormones are also helpful in what most of you know as fight-or-flight response. Your body reacts naturally to stressful stimuli and gets your heart pumping, getting you ready to protect yourself.
There are a few ways in which chronic stress affects your overall health physically and mentally.

First, it harms your brain. It lowers your overall brain function and prematurely ages your brain. Higher cortisol levels directly effects the hippocampus, making it smaller and decreasing memory storage. Older adults with high cortisol levels have a 14% smaller hippocampus, which means they have a worse memory than older adults with normal cortisol levels. Not only does higher levels of cortisol negatively effect the hippocampus, it cause more cortisol to be released because the hippocampus is responsible for sending out signals to stop the production of cortisol when there is no longer a threat. Since there are not as many neurons in the smaller hippocampus, it can no longer send out the signal to discontinue cortisol, so greater amounts of cortisol are then released. Stress doesn't just make you feel uncomfortable or upset, it literally changes your brain for the worse, reducing your memory storage. Cortisol doesn't just affect the hippocampus, it also decreasing activity in the amydala, which is important for emotional balance, and the prefrontal cortex, important for planning. Overall, it reduces brain reserve which makes way for physical signs of stress as well.

Second, having chronic stress makes you age prematurely. Now, I don't know anyone who wants to look older than they really are (unless maybe they are a teenager, but as an adult, more wrinkles and looking ten years older than you really are isn't such a good thing), so managing your stress can help your skin to make you look and feel youthful. Stress has been found to be similar to the effects of smoking, being obese, or just looking ten years older than you actually are. The reason for this is because of telomeres, which are protective caps on the end of our chromosomes protecting our DNA. When telomeres become too short, DNA can be damaged in the replication process. Researches relate the length of telomeres to determine cell's age and how many more times it will duplicate. When they become too short they stop duplicating and cell senescence kicks in, which is basically what we see as aging. The longer the telomeres, the more protection there is for the chromosome. Telomeres naturally shorten over time, which we can all understand because we know that we all age as we get older, but stress can speed up this process. It is shown that women with higher levels of stress had shorter telmoeres, meaning premature aging. With aging, skin loses collagen and elastin (proteins that keep the skin wrinkle-free and tight). Stress cause both collagen and elastin to break down prematurely, causing wrinkles and sagging skin, as well as causing acne breakouts. This is not something most people want to have happen to them. Look at your life and the areas that cause you stress. There are ways to downplay the stress in your life and lead a calmer, happier, youthful life. I'll relay some of those ways at the end after displaying more ways stress is harmful to our bodies.

Third, chronic stress weakens our body's immune system which can make you sick more easily. Short-term stress boosts immunity because of the resilience and pumped up heart rate that you feel, but long-term stress starts to wear down your immune system and makes you more prone to getting sick or having a disease. Stress has been implicated in heart disease, hypertension, and even cancer. Not saying that stress makes you have those problems, but they can be a contributing factor, especially if you're already biologically prone to one. Anytime you weaken the immune system it is easier to contract a sickness and also makes it harder to get rid of it. I know that I just had a run in with this. During October when I was constantly stressed with school and work (and let me tell you I was very stressed and sleep-deprived) my immune system was weakened and as soon as stopped working the 20 hour weekends, I became sick like that and stayed that way for at least a week. My body was just entirely exhausted and if you are less stressed and get good sleep, even if you're exposed to someone who has a sickness, you have a better chance of not getting it or fighting it sooner if you do have it. I usually run every day, at least 20 minutes, if not up to 40, but I could not find the energy to run for about two weeks when I became sick. It was terrible, but there was nothing I could do except let my body recoup. Now I'm back to normal and I'm very grateful because it's terrible to not have energy and feel helpless all day long. I would much rather be able to manage my stress and feel calm and get good sleep so I remain healthy and thin, as I will talk about next.

Fourth, stress can make you gain weight, especially in your stomach. Stress, and the stress hormone cortisol, have been shown to increase appetite and cravings for sweets and carbohydrates, which make us fat because we can't just eat one. Studies have shown that stress causes people to turn away from healthy low-fat foods and eat more food than normal. People look for "comfort" foods when they are stressed to make them feel better because it gives them instant gratification, but that gratification wears off quickly, the sugar high bringing you back down, making your crave more. At least for me, I also know that this makes me feel shitty about myself because especially if I'm trying to eat healthy, it makes me feel like I'm not in control and overindulge on the stuff that I'm trying to stay away from. It also makes me gain weight which also makes me feel bad about myself, so why give in to the stress when it can have these bad effects on your body and brain when you don't want them to? This weight goes to your midsection, and that is not only something that makes us look worse, it is also bad for our health because having large amounts of fat in your abdomen surrounds vital organs that are associated with serious diseases, such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes. A study done at Georgetwon University Medical Center found that high stress with a high-fat, high-sugar diet leads to abdominal obesity in mice because of the neurotransmitter neuropeptide Y (NPY), which the brain releases NPY directly into the fatty tissue in your stomach. In the mice, the release of NPY from chronic stress increased abdominal growth by 50 percent in just two weeks. Stress not only makes you gain weight, it does it fast. Another reason why you end up packing on the pounds is because chronic stress usually is linked to a lack of sleep, just like I experienced. This also throws your appetite out of whack and you have less prefrontal activation which keeps you from picking healthier foods and turning to sweets and carbs instead. I remember eating a lot of sweets and I seemed to never feel full. I just always wanted to eat and eat even though I didn't want to, but I didn't feel like I could control myself. Once my stress started to go away and I started sleeping more, my eating habits started to become normalized because of my hormones regulating again.

Fifth, even though this doesn't effect everyone at this time, or maybe even ever, stress can make it difficult to conceive. Chronic stress causes hormonal changes that disrupt your reproductive function which makes you infertile. Stress hormones can clamp on the smooth muscle of the fallopian tubes that makes it difficult for the woman to get pregnant, as well as emotional stress damages sperm cells. So, whether you're a male or female, stress can be part of the problem why you can't conceive if you are trying to.

Sixth, stress activates the limbic system and drains your emotional well-being. Stress causes anxiety, depression, and even Alzheimer's disease (as shown from memory in the first example). Some people have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which could never go away. If you're constantly stressed you could start to become depressed from problems that I've already explained, because if stress is hindering your brain from functioning at its best and you're also gaining weight, this isn't generally a positive feeling for anyone. Depending on the person, they can become depressed because of all the anxiety and maybe a feeling of helplessness and giving up under such continual stressful situations. I think we can all think of a situation where we were so stressed to the point of wanting to give up or just getting to the point where we go over the edge of what we can handle. This effects the health of our brain and body where we might not realize it. If you are experiencing short-term stress, it can be an upper and be good for your body because it pumps you up and if you concur whatever stressful situation you're in, that makes you feel good. But constantly being in stressful situations wears your body and brain down, which also makes it more difficult for you to handle more stress, which will then make you feel more depressed because you can't combat all the stress that is being thrown at you. Chronic stress can overwhelm you and cause mental problems. Why would we want this?

Now I will look at some of the ways that you can combat stress. These ways are laid out in Change your Brain, Change your Body by Daniel Amen, where I also got a lot of the information from above, as well as my previous post. Like I said before, this book is extremely informational and it makes you aware of how things we don't normally think of affect our body, and keeping us from being the person we want to be.

1. Meditate or pray - meditating and praying both calm stress and enhance brain function. Meditating decreases activity in the left parietal lobes, which decreases awareness of space and time. It increases functioning in the prefrontal cortex, which helps to tune people in to their thoughts, feelings, and goals. It also increases activity in the right temporal lobe, which is an area that is associated with spirituality. Meditating helps you relax and get rid of all the stress that builds up in us over the days, weeks, months, everything. Most of us can relate to being on the run all the time, always having something to do at all times of the day, but this doesn't give our body any time to take a break and recuperate. What people need is to erase all the stresses from their mind for just 10 minutes a day and breathe. Meditating can make you lose track of outside spacial time, but it tunes you in. It increases your brain functioning and memory, which will help you out throughout the day paying attention and sticking to plans and schedules easier. It puts us in a place where we can let our worries dissipate. We all need a little time to relax, and it will make you feel calmer to combat the stress in your life as well as feeling rejuvenated. Also, people who pray or read the Bible every day are 40 percent less likely to suffer from hypertension that others. Spiritual coping strategies can help people to keep from becoming depressed and give in to the bad levels of stress that they may endure.
2. Take a yoga class - this is such a great way to relieve stress because it is all about calming your entire body and deep breathing. Focusing on breathing gets more oxygen to the brain and to the body and it calms your heart rate. This gives you a calming feeling over your body so you don't feel so hopped up on everything. It promotes mental calmness, self-awareness, and a focus on being in the present. Thinking too much about the past or too much about the future is not a good thing. If you dwell upon past experiences or regret things, it is not good to continue having those bad thoughts, get past them and move on because you can't change it. If you're thinking too much about the future you can stress out too much about what you're doing and that can get in the way of what you want to accomplish now in the present. Now, it is shown to be good to think about good past experiences that make you happy because it enhances brain function. So take a yoga class and live in the present. 
3. Delegate - we pride ourselves on always being busy and having things to do, but it is better to be able to say no every once in a while. We don't need to do every single thing we're asked to do, we don't have to have every minute of the day planned with work, volunteer opportunities, etc, we have to say sometimes so that we have a little break. Most of the time we just say yes without actually processing the information, but take the time to think about it first and then decide if you should take part in an endeavor or not. We all need a break, so practice saying no thanks, maybe another time. 
4. Practice gratitude - be grateful for the good things in your life. Simple right? Well a majority of the time we don't do this. Maybe once a year on Thanksgiving, or when you're going through a really tough time and someone is really helpful so you tell them you're grateful to have them in your life, but this is definitely not something that is practiced enough. "Appreciation meditation" makes the brain look very healthy compared to always thinking about the stresses or fears in your life. In a brain scan done on a woman after she thought about fears and stressful situations in her life, her cerebellum had completely shut down, which is involved in physical coordination. New research has also shown that the cerebellum is involved in processing speed and thought coordination. With there is low activation in the cerebellum, people are clumsier and less likely to think through problems. Thinking about your fears and stresses can make it so you don't work your way through them as well! Thinking too much about the bad things and not the good things makes it harder for you to combat the bad things, which makes it even worse. Think about the good things in your life! Also, the left temporal lobe especially became less active, which is involved in mood, memory, and temper control. With less activation, people have a negative mood, think dark thoughts or about violence, and are associated with depression. Being in a negative mood while trying to combat negative things makes it harder to do this and your threshold to giving in to bad thoughts is lower. If you are in a negative mood you are less likely to be in a positive mood and brush off the bad things and get past them. A negative mood breeds more negative things to happen because you allow yourself to process them as negative. Being positive keeps negative thoughts out and makes it harder for bad stuff in your life to effect you. It has also been shown that people who have a greater sense of well-being are more helpful to others. If you are more grateful for the things in your life, you will be more optimistic and feel better about yourself and you are more likely to help other people are you. Sounds like a win-win to me. 
5. Get enough sleep! I think this one goes without saying since I've focused on this before. Sleep is essential to being less stressed and worn out. 
6. Exercise - read my previous post if you'd like to know more about the effects of exercise on your brain and body. Exercise helps to alleviate stress and it boosts your mood.
7. Practice diaphragmatic breathing - when we breathe, we eliminate waste products such as carbon dioxide. When there is too much CO2 in our body, it can cause stressful feelings of disorientation and panic. Deep breathing gets the wastes out of the body and brings in more oxygen, which every part of your body needs to keep going, especially your brain. Brain cells start to die within four minutes when deprived of oxygen. Four minutes! That is a short amount of time before brain cells die. Oxygen is essential to keep your mind going strong. Diaphragmatic breathing calms the basal ganglia, which controls anxiety. It helps your brain run more efficiently, regulates your heartbeat, and relaxes your muscles. A lot of the time if we get anxious our heart rate starts to rise, but we can consciously change that with deep breathing because it forces your heart to not work as fast. This will start to help calm you down by using your brain power. Breathing is obviously important, but it is also very helpful in keeping you relaxed if you work at controlling it during anxiety-producing situations.
8. Listen to soothing music - listening to soothing music can bring peace to a stressful mind. On the other hand, listening to upbeat music can get your heart rate up and pump you up. If you're trying to calm down, don't listen to upbeat music. A slower rhythm can calm your body and heart rate down to match its rhythm. 
9. Smell lavender - the smell of lavender has found to have calming, stress-relieving properties. It reduces cortisol and is involved in stress reduction.
10. Practice being in stressful situations - the more you combat a stressful situation, the less you will fear it and be more in control. Rehearsing or being in stressful situations where you are focusing on being calmer and not getting too worked up will reinforce your behavior and help you to combat those stressful situations the next time it arises. 
11. Avoid substances that harm your brain - caffeine disrupts a natural process that keeps stress under control. Adenosine is a chemical that is released to reduce the body's response to stress, but caffeine actually prevents the release of adenosine, so stress is heightened instead of lowered. Caffeine increases stress hormone levels when people are stressed so it only makes stress worse, so it is definitely not something you should be consuming when you are stressed; it will only make it worse. Alcohol induces stress and lowers the blood flow to the brain, which decreases your ability to cope with stress. Most people drink to try to get away from their stresses, but it hinders your ability to deal with the stresses that you are trying to get away from. 
12. Laugh - laughing counteracts stress and is good for the immune system! Something so simple as laughing that doesn't seem like it would have an affect on the body actually is good for you. It releases endorphins that make you feel better and also lowers the flow of dangerous hormones that suppress the immune system. Spend time with people who make you laugh because it will make you feel better and lower your stress level. This is an easy thing to do, so why not take advantage of it. Have some fun and laugh your stress away. 

I hope some of this can help you become aware of your body and brain and see how something like stress can negatively affect you in ways you didn't think it could. If you want to keep your brain and your body healthy and youthful, learn to avoid or combat stressful situations and take more time to relax and calm your body down. We are always running around and not taking a few minutes out of our day to take a step back and slow down. It is essential to be able to let your body rejuvenate itself. Chronic stress doesn't make you feel good and it doesn't make your body and brain feel good, so do something about it and be aware of the situations around you that could cause stress and in turn harm to yourself. Be aware and alleviate your high levels of stress! (And sorry for the extremely long post)

Exercise and the brain

I have always been a frequent exerciser my entire life. I can still remember the first time my dad made me get on the treadmill. I was complaining about the 7 minute run he was about to make me do, and he said, "You will increase by a minute each week until you reach 20 minutes." My mouth probably fell open because I thought it unfathomable that I would ever be able to run for 20 minutes straight. Now I exercise daily - and have had a few occurrences of exercising too much. I have found a love of exercising because it alleviates my stress and makes me feel good, as well as keeping my body in good shape. Recently I have learned a little more about the actual effects that exercise has on the brain and why it happens. Before, I sought exercise as a good escape, because here I would get the "runner's high." That feeling of euphoria made me want to go back for more, whereas a lot of people can't seem to discipline themselves to exercise regularly. All I knew is it made me feel better about myself, so obviously I wanted to keep doing it. Now I see more important aspects of working out that make it essential to keep physical activity in my daily routine to keep my brain young and healthy. Here are a few things about exercise you maybe didn't know before:

• Physical exercise increases blood flow to the brain because it improves the ability of your heart to pump blood throughout the body. Pumping more blood results in more supplies of oxygen, glucose, and nutrients to the brain, which enhances overall functioning of the brain.
• Exercising encourages the growth of new brain cells by boosting levels of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). BDNF is a chemical that is involved in neurogenesis - the growth of new brain cells.

So while exercising, you are making new brain cells that make you smarter! Not only are you doing something good for your body, your brain is growing and functioning is increasing. 

Research on laboratory rats has shown that exercise generates new brain cells in the temporal lobes, involved in memory, and the prefrontal cortex, involved in planning and judgment (executive functioning). 

As long as you keep up the physical activity, you will continue to stimulate these new cells which will keep them from dying off. If you don't continue to exercise, they will only survive about four weeks, so keep exercising! 

• Physical activity boosts memory by reducing stress. Stress causes your adrenal glands to produce excessive amounts of cortisol, the hormone associated with stress, which kills cells in the hippocampus, therefore impairing memory capacity. Increasing exercise will reduce cortisol levels which will result in better memory. Not only is this extremely helpful to you in life (school, work, etc.), but higher levels of cortisol have also been found in people with Alzheimer's disease, so exercising has other long-term benefits. Exercising also increases frontal lobe activation, which is especially important for older people because cognitive impairment starts. Physical activity keeps the brain engaged, which will keep it young. Increasing activation in the frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex helps you stay on task with goal-oriented endeavors (planning, scheduling, and inhibiting impulses). You will find that you are more focused and can stick to your plans better, whether that be with studying, keeping on a diet, sleep schedules, you name it. If you're finding difficulty inhibiting impulses, exercising can help activate the part of the brain dealing with executive functioning, so that will most likely increase your outlook on life and make your self-esteem go up. 

Recently I've had a difficult time with scheduling and keeping to my schedule, as well as giving into impulses of eating desserts. I was working out excessively to make me feel better and burn the calories I was consuming. Also, the major part of this was my sleeping schedule. I was depriving myself of sleep from my job and working out and that reduces activation in the prefrontal cortex, so I had a very difficult time inhibiting my impulses and sticking to a schedule. This in turn made me feel worse about myself because I felt like I was losing control, when I'm usually good about staying focused. I caught up with my sleep and let my body recuperate, which helped me immensely. Now I hardly have a problem sticking to my plans. I'm more productive and I'm working out a healthy amount. If you're experiencing trouble with executive functioning, you might want to look at your sleeping pattern and make adjustments if necessary. Sleeping effects brain functioning more than you may realize. Getting adequate sleep each night will keep your brain attentive during the day so you can be productive and learn and remember the best. Also, writing down your goals for the day, week, and the future will help you monitor your progress. 

• Like I mentioned earlier, exercise enhanced my mood. This is because exercising allows for the amino acid L-tryptophan to enter the brain. The neurotransmitter serotonin is derived from L-tryptophan, which helps to balance your mood. Serotonin contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness, so increasing serotonin will make you feel happier. To give some perspective, low serotonin levels are found in people who are depressed, so increasing physical activity if you're experiencing feelings of depression can help a lot. I've also had experience with this and it helped me more than I can probably imagine. Working out was really the only enjoyable part of my day because it made me feel happier.
• People who exercise more tend to get into less trouble because they are more happy and less impulsive. When you feel good about yourself, you're more likely to continue doing good things for yourself. This also goes along with exercising and eating better. Most people find that when they exercise they eat better, and when they're not, they tend to eat worse. Since you're doing good for your body and brain, you're more likely to continue doing good things. Also, if you find it difficult to stay with a diet without working out, it might help to start because of the increased activation in the prefrontal cortex. Following through on your dieting plans will be easier than if you don't exercise. 
• Going back to my earlier point about getting adequate sleep every night, exercising helps you sleep. Exercising normalizes the production of melatonin in your brain and improves your sleeping patterns. Getting a good amount of sleep is essential for your brain to work as efficiently as possible, so they work together in this sense. Doing one will get the other, and you need both, so you're killing two birds with one stone. 

I hope this gives some interesting insight into how the brain benefits from exercise. I have been reading Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen, M.D., and this is where I received most of the information from. It's a great book and I recommend it to anyone. Here's the link if you would like to take a closer look at the book. Enjoy :)                    

We have a choice

While choice theory isn't looking at the brain from a neurological aspect, it is still a psychological factor that all of us need to be aware of. In all parts of our life we seek power; power over our lives and others lives around us. We tend to look at what the world is doing to us instead of looking at ourselves and how we are letting things happen to us. Yes, there are definitely outside factors that give some people more opportunities than others, but if we constantly wait for the world to change for us, we are going to remain in the same spot throughout life, blaming our problems on others instead of taking the responsibility ourselves.
This book I'm reading couldn't have come at a better time for me (Choice Theory by William Glasser, M.D.). It's easy to be sad or feel down because of something that happened to us, but it's our own choice to how we react to it. If we continue to feel depressed about something that happened that we cannot control, it is by our own choice that we have remained to feel that way. No one else is making us feel sad for longer than we have to. People continue to dwell on the hard things and blame their sorrows on the ones who did the "bad" things to us, but we allow ourselves to continue being in that position.

We all have personal freedom and too many times we try to control other people or we get upset when we aren't able to. Why should we expect that we can have control of someone else when they don't want to be controlled themselves? There are two wrongs in that situation. The first wrong is the person wanting to control another person. The second and almost worse wrong is that person allowing them to do it (considering they let them). No one but yourself allows for things to affect us the way they do. If something bad happens, we have the personal freedom to say that we are not going to let it dictate our lives, that we can think for ourselves and accept others the way they are.

Relationships in general are difficult to maintain because we try to control the other person, even if it's in a small way. This creates a problem because everyone is free to be their own person, not living under the power of anyone else. It is easy to let someone else try to make us into something else, but it shows true strength when we decide that everyone is their own person and we can't change them. And why would you want to? Everyone is unique and that's what makes them special. You can't expect to change anyone, and you shouldn't. Expect only to change yourself, because that is ultimately your choice, and yours alone. If you blame all your problems on something or somebody else, you're only displacing the problem which won't. Change comes from personal choice, with which we have to stand strong and take responsibility over that and let everyone take responsibility for theirs too.

I'm taking responsibility of my life and my actions. I see that it is ultimately my decision how I feel and I allow how things affect me. Before I saw it as things being done to me, but people aren't going to change, so I have to change how I react to circumstances if I want to remain psychologically healthy and strong on my fight through life. The one thing I have control over is myself, so I'm going to use that power to create a better environment for myself. There's no use trying to force others to be different than what they are. If we start to accept people for what they are, relationships will be easier to maintain. I'm starting to see power in my own eyes, so I'm going to embrace it and make the best for myself. That's my choice and I'm sticking to it. 

Defense mechanisms and memory

One thing that has interested me lately is the idea of memory; working memory and long-term memory. The main point that is pretty clear is association of new experiences with prior knowledge or prior experience yields stronger memory storage and for later retrieval. Rehearsal memory (repetition) also works, but bring in a new idea that corresponds with something already in your long-term memory is more likely to stick, and for longer periods of time.

Now dealing with memory and traumatic events, some people develop defense mechanisms and repress the memories they had associated with them. Everyone deals with situations such as these differently, and it takes a while for us to stop thinking about that event in our life, but over time it becomes easier for us to "forget" about it. Now just because we repress a memory doesn't mean we're going to ever absolutely forget about it. At first, it may be difficult to remember details about it when we try to think about it, but if we give ourselves a little time a lot of the information we forgot seems to reveal itself once more. Spontaneous recovery is also something that could happen where all a sudden something reminds you of the traumatic event and it comes back in your memory like it was just yesterday that you were thinking of it.

The spooky thing is that we think we have gotten past, or forgotten these events, but what I'm thinking is that the more traumatic the event, the stronger the connections will be in the brain to remembering it, so that it actually makes it more difficult for us to ever run away from our memory. Yes, it may not be in consciousness every day like it would have been right after the event, but it is still there, just below the surface waiting to spring to life once more. The brain is an intricate system with trillions of neurons, which allows for billions of connections and 10^50 unique associations. Now, also considering connectionist theory, knowledge is just not just stored in one node, it is spread out throughout multiple connections throughout the brain, which to me makes it seem like it would be impossible to forget something so important in ones life. The harder we try to forget, we also reinforce the idea of that event more than what we want to, possibly making the connection even stronger. There does come a point when it starts to appear as if it's forgotten, but personally, I know that something can spring on you when you least expect it.

Another thing I am considering, but not quite sure of, is that maybe as time passes, the mental block we had in our brain starts to diminish slightly, so even though we haven't thought of a traumatic event in years, it might become easier to remember spontaneously because we're not so worried about repressing it. There comes a time when we move on and stop consciously repressing the memory, but that doesn't mean that it's forgotten or will be forgotten forever. Even though you are not increasing the connection every day, it still probably has a strong connection because it was such an influential part of your life in some way and it is distributed throughout your brain, not in one node that can be ride of right away and for good.

I haven't thought about this certain event in a few years and it came to me like I had been thinking about it often throughout this entire time. It's amazing how associations can have such an impact on memory. Now, the deciding factor is to either repress that memory again or realize that it is a part of your history and makes up who you are and will make you stronger as a person. It's hard, but I vote for the second one in this given circumstance for me. For a time I did believe that I had forgotten, and there was a time that the memories seemed hazy to me, but man was I in for a rude awakening. Everything in our life cannot be erased, it is embedded in us in some way, and embracing it is better than trying to pretend like it never existed. Yes, it might be permanently in your brain, but you can choose how you want it to effect you. We are in control of our emotions and how they affect our lives, so running away from our past is not going to help us any in the future. We are who we are, and even repression and denial cannot change our past, but our attitude about our past can help change our future.

(Some of these ideas were sparked from an article I read: http://libproxy.umflint.edu:2060/pqdweb?index=0&did=1179162911&SrchMode=2&sid=6&Fmt=6&VInst=PROD&VType=PQD&RQT=309&VName=PQD&TS=1318476212&clientId=16043)

Lying: good or bad?

All throughout life we are told that lying is bad. Parents drive into us to tell the truth. Strangely, against our preconceived notions about lying being bad, lying actually makes the brain work harder and makes more connections in the brain than truth does. From research done with scanning the prefrontal cortex, there is more white matter (connective tissue that carry electrical signals to other groups of neurons over long distances) in the people who lie versus those who tell the truth. Basically, the thought process is this - people who lie are making more connections among previously unconnected things. Lying requires the brain to make more connections because people come up with intricate stories so that they won't get caught, whereas telling the truth is much easier on the brain since you aren't making anything up. With this reasoning, it almost seems like lying would be a good thing because making connections to things where you normally wouldn't is influential in being creative. There are other factors that go into creativity, but that is a major part of the process because creativity is about making connections where people don't see it initially. Being creative requires thinking outside of the box and being open to all different contributions, which is interesting. I wonder if people who lie a lot are more creative than other people just because they can think of multiple scenarios and come up with crazy schemes. In this sense, is lying bad? It is socially constructed and inforced that lying is bad, but when you look at it from this point of view, it has some good qualities as well.

One thing that is interesting is that fMRI's could possibly be used as a means of a lie detector test in the future. According to an article, there might be areas involved in truth telling and areas involved in deception that can be seen on from fMRI. From Dr. Scott Faro's, director of the Functional Brain Imaging Center at Temple State University School of Medicine in Philadelphia, research, four areas of the brain are activated during truth telling compared to seven areas being activated during lying. However, they did not try asking the people in the study to try deceiving the test, so they are not sure if that will have an affect on the scan, but it is still an interesting starting point for possible lie-detecting technology to come.

Freud's egos

In Freud's view on psychoanalytic theory of personality, our personality is composed of three elements : the id, ego, and superego. Most everyone is familiar with this concept, but the id is the impulse in us. The id doesn't necessarily think about consequences, just about its desires and getting them. The ego is the part of us that deals with reality, and balances between the impulses and the superego (conscience; right and wrong/moral standards). There are many examples where we battle between our desires, but we scale back because our "reality" kicks in to let us make rational decisions. To me, I find it interesting that at some times we can know what we should do, but instead we do something different. Why is that?

And then when does the turning point come in our mind where we finally decide to listen to ourselves instead of act on our desires? Is it a sign of weakness that we follow our desire first before learning that we should have listened to ourselves in the first place and avoided the situation? The mind is mysterious, especially when emotions become involved. It's like emotions have a mind of their own and they start to take over us even when we know it's not for the best. Why do we let ourselves get wrapped into someone or something and find it so hard to let go?

It's like our id is trying to deceive our ego by using defense mechanisms to "trick" it into letting it do what it wants. And we can only fool ourselves for so long until we can come to terms with the reality of the matter that the ego was telling you all along. It's like having the devil and angel on your shoulder, both telling you opposite things to do and you don't know which one to follow. But there seems to be a turning point where reality takes over the desire and you see the situation for what it truly is. It doesn't make it any easier, but in your head you seem to know when it's finally right to make the good decision. But why can't we make this decision sooner to save ourselves from more hurt? I'm sure this is nothing we can do about it because sometimes our emotions do take the lead and silence the ego for a little while, trying to not come to the realization that you don't want. The id tries so hard to prove it wrong, but usually it just goes right back to where you knew you would end up from the beginning. It's hard to go through the process, but there are times when you just can't seem to go with the right thing to do until you've experienced it. Experience gives us reassurance in the future though so that hopefully we won't make the same mistakes again. A lot of the time we end up falling into the same situations as we did before... but if we really want to change it, we can. It just take the will power of the mind to do it.

The musician in us

Music is something that almost everyone is involved in in some way. There is hardly anyone who doesn't listen to music on a daily basis because it is all around us and it we listen to it to reflect our mood, to pump us up or slow down, to express our feelings, etc. What is interesting is I found an article about musical therapy (which I had not realized was actually something out there). Musical therapy is being used with patients that have Alzheimer's, which does not reverse the disease, but it helps to ease the patients. Alzheimer's patients have been found to respond to music when they respond to nothing else, according to Suzanne Hanser, head of musical therapy at Berklee College of Music in Boston. Music not only helps to ease the patients but it is a way we build memories. As many of you can probably relate, I know there are dozens of songs that remind me of a specific memory, as well as some songs that I cannot listen to because of those memories.

Music is a powerful tool that can help us to communicate with others and build relationships. It can help us through difficult times because we can relate to the lyrics and we don't feel as alone because someone else has been in our shoes. Having a common interest in music can build relationships and make bonds stronger between people. One mother, Tamera Norris, wrote about her autistic son's experience with music. At age 16, Tamera's son William started in a musical therapy program and as well as learning how to play instruments, he learned how to interact with others in a non-threatening environment. He learned leadership, socially accepted concepts, how to express himself, and how to communicate with others. While William had always been socially out of the mix, music led him into a world where he felt safe and extended his social circle. The mother is extremely grateful for how music has helped him, and music for anyone can do that as well.

Personally,  my brother and I have not been super close from our teenage years and up, but we have found similar interests in music that have helped to bring us closer. It first started with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. We were able to come together through our liking of them, not only talking with each other more about songs, but also spending time together going to concerts and sharing memories. CSNY will always remind me of my brother and it was a good way for us to come together when we didn't have much else to grasp on to.
Other than just building a relationship, music has served many purposes in my life. Music helps to express my feelings at a time when I feel like I don't know how. It lets me feel connected to someone else who has shared a similar experience to the one I did and it helps to know that I'm not the only one. Music helps to relieve my stress when I need to let go and be a little crazy. It gets me dancing and that in turn makes me happy. Having a little help from music can inspire me to do something or give me the energy I need to accomplish something.

Music is therapy for those who compose it and also for those who just listen because when you can relate to a song so well it almost feels like that song was written for you. Music is there when you need to grieve, when you need to be happy, on a sunny day, and on a cloudy day. I have never had music disappoint me because there is such variety that you can get whatever you need, and there is always more coming out.

It doesn't seem like music could make such a big influence on our lives but it is something we can turn to in times of need. Music helps soothe us and clear our head as well as inspire us to be creative. Different music can effect individuals differently, but music as a whole can be used as a way to keep us healthy. There have also been studies done about music and its effect on child birth, relaxing the baby and the mother. For more information on music therapy you can look at the extensive information on musictherapy.org which is the American Music Therapy Association's website.

Now wouldn't that just be amazing if they found a way to make the stages of Alzheimer's slow down through the process of memory through music? Since Alzheimer's is partly when neurons break connections with other neurons, such as in the hippocampus which causes memory-loss, if there was a way to strengthen these connections instead of allowing them to break apart it could possibly slow the process down. Now I don't know that much about Alzheimer's, but that would be truly fascinating if you could find a way to build the connections that are starting to break apart before it becomes too late. Maybe in the future we could will start to see progress in this field. And if music therapy can help with memory, it might be an even greater contribution than just soothing the patients. Who knows..

Interaction

To go along with my previous post, something else caught my attention while in class. Not only focusing your attention on a certain task or subject while help to increase ability to remember it, but also becoming more engaged with the material at hand will strengthen the memory. What I mean by this is writing down additional information that makes for a two-way street. You encode the information, retrieve it, and send it back out, in your own interpretation. Or, asking questions to show that you are taking in the information but you need a little clarification to solidify the information.

My English teachers always used to say to write in the margins of books. It didn't have to be something extremely deep, but it would engage you in the reading so that you could remember and understand easier. Even writing down something it reminds you of is good because you are associating new information with old information. Interacting with what you read or hear will help the message sink in so that you can remember it for later. Sensory memory is very brief and is prior to conscious awareness, but working memory requires repetition and mental awareness in order to become long-term memory. By interacting with the information, you are already repeating the encoding of the message which increases the chances of you remembering it later.

Where my teacher said today that people say cramming before a test is bad. Well, that is both true and false depending on the way you look at it. If you are looking to keep the information in storage to remember it later, cramming is not a good idea because it is only fresh on the mind. So cramming can be good right before a test because that information is easily accessible right away, but will be forgotten easily. Repetition of the information over a longer period of time is the key way to ensure that it is stored in your long-term memory. Using simple techniques such as being involved during class can lead to better memory right from the beginning, instead of hardly taking in what the teacher is saying, and only cramming the night before the test. The first might seem more tedious and time-consuming, but in the long run it will be more beneficial to you and your brain. Anyway for me, cramming will make me more anxious about the upcoming test and will decrease my chances of doing well in that respect, so I'm learning to become more "friendly" to open interaction with my studying.

Absorbing new information

One thing that most people find perplexing is the ability of children to absorb so much new information, but as you get older you find it more difficult to take in new situations or new information, or to work it into your permanent memory. People wonder why it's so easy for children to grasp onto a foreign language, while it becomes increasingly harder for adults to speak it fluently. Why are kids so special in that they can absorb this information easier?

As I have read in The Brain that Changes Itself (Normal Doige, M.D.), brain-derived neurotrophic factors, BDNF, play a crucial role in plastic change and reinforcing it so that memories are stored. BDNF if released when we are in a certain activity that requires our neurons to fire together (neurons that fire together wire together...) This makes the connection stronger between the firing neurons and helps them to fire together in the future. "BDNF also promotes the growth of the thin fatty coat around every neuron that speeds up the transmission of electrical signals," (80). They key part of BDNF is that it turns on the nucleus basalis, which is the part of our brain that allows us to focus our attention on a certain thing or experience. Focusing our attention also helps us to remember the information better. During the critical period when we are younger, there is much room for growth because almost every experience is a new experience that information is stored upon. At some point, however, the brain needs to some stability and BDNF helps to close down the critical period when it is done helping to create such connections.

In the critical period we don't know what information is going to be important so we take as much of it as we can in. Once we continue to grow, we learn to decide what is important to let in and what is not, so it becomes harder for us to immediately see something or learn something and remember it because we already have the connections and this critical period for expansion is closed. One thing I can see for sure is that it really is true that one you focus your attention on something, your ability to remember that information increases immensely. I have recently switched my major to cognitive psychology, and while I did enjoy going to school before, I now feel a sense of such excitement to learn about these new concepts that I find I'm more attentive in class and taking in more information as well. I have always found it not in my strong suit to be good at memorizing, but lately in my biology and psychology classes, I have found myself remembering more information that I wouldn't have been able to before. I had been afraid of the expanse systems of learning parts of the body because there is so much to learn and I didn't feel capable to do that. Every day I go into class and I focus all of my attention on that subject matter and I walk away with more information than I came in with.

For me, since I have since found a passion for the brain and its ability to change, it's like I'm a kid again because there is so much new information that I need to take in that is exciting to me, so my attention is focused and I am remembering more. If I went into a class that I had no interest in, it would make learning and remembering so much more difficult because the brain is not activated enough for the neurons to connect to one another and make lasting connections with one another. When you think about it, as we grow up we tend to do many more things on autopilot because we do the same things over and over again. Obviously we're not going to be open to learning new things because we get into a sort of rut. We have to open our mind and shift our attention to important things if we expect them to stick with us. We did have it easier as a child because this naturally occurs, but now it is not impossible, it just takes work. Learning and remembering was crucial as a child, so now we have to create that spark again for ourselves. It's not always easy, but the hard work will pay off.

New and Improved

So I know this used to be my blog on my life as a college student... Well it's changing. I'm going to be posting information about our brain and different research articles there are on neuroscience and its affects on me or people in general. It will be a tool to keep me learning, as well as others to learn and to involve in discussion if you wish. I think that the brain is a powerful tool we have that most people don't realize we can manipulate in some ways if we really want to change it. Connections are constantly being made and learning about these connections and pathways can help us understand ourselves better and help to encourage growth in our lives. For me, I constantly am driven to trying to understand myself more because then I feel less insecure with who I am by covering up stuff, but being open with myself so that I can learn to change habits or problems that I have that I would like to change. Even if you don't want to try changing anything, it's remarkable the new advancements they are making right now in this field, so any new knowledge doesn't hurt. Plus, your brain will be changing and making new connections every time you do.

Dance

Every time I go to Archies in Davison I drive past my old dance studio. I think about it each time I'm out there and it makes me want to go back. I used to love to dance. I started dancing at age 4 and stopped after 6th grade. I always juggled soccer and dance, and I started playing on two travel soccer teams which meant giving up dance. I did it because soccer is more important to me, and I don't ever regret my decision, but right now I wish I could go back. I know I could, but honestly since I haven't danced in so long I think I would be behind and not make the group. I know I'd be able to do just fine in tap, since that was my strongest area anyway, but doing turns in ballet and toe would be my weakness, and I would need all skills to be able to do this. Plus the fact that I'm way too busy for hardly anything is also a problem. I know that I won't be going back to dancing, but sometimes I wish I could. I miss the studio and its strange beauty, where the floors have been worn down by many years of hard work from many dancers. I have a lot of memories from dance and I used to be good. I'm definitely glad that I did it so long when I was younger. And I would love to perform on stage again. There is something about the excited nervousness of opening night and making your way on stage, the lights so bright on your face, and the constant repetition of steps going on in your head. I remember before recitals or competitions I would practice my steps while sitting at my desk in class. It was natural for me. I would just go over them so much and it was almost something I couldn't stop. Tonight my desire to dance will have to be met by watching Step Up.

I went in to talk to a counselor the other day to figure out my class schedule and looking at the requirements for me to graduate, and I found out that I can graduate next May. Next May. I'm still having trouble comprehending it. It seems like it is coming up so soon already and it is a little scary. I know it's a year away, but that just seems so much sooner than I ever realized. I will be graduating a year early and then what? Do I stay in Flint and go for a masters? Do I try going to law school? What do I do? I know I have a year to figure this out... but if I want to go to law school right out of graduating from Flint then that would mean I would need to start preparing and looking at schools to go to and getting ready to take the LSAT in the fall. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I guess another possibility is to go for my masters in something to do with public administration maybe, then if I want to go to law school after I could do that. But I don't know if I want to stay in Flint or not. It just seems like there is a lot to think about right now and I don't know what to do exactly.

The Office Wedding

This kind of makes my life. No lie.

Marquette

This is a picture of me taking pictures in Marquette. I would love to go back this summer because it's so beautiful up there and it would be so much nicer to go when it's warm instead of in November. Even though it seems to be in the middle of nowhere, it's in a good way. The town was so cute and homey and then the water was breath-tacking (especially when i went for a morning run, nothing better). And there are tons of rocks. It's fun to go on mini-adventures and I hope I can do it again sometime.

School/life/future/ahhandexcitement

So this is a blog about the future. Coming up at the end of my sophomore year, I keep thinking about how these two years have gone by so fast and how the next will as well. And the thing about this is that I will be graduating early... so I don't even have two years to go in my undergraduate degree. I will be turning 20 in less than a month and that's even weird to think about. I will no longer be a teenager. I will be graduating before I'm 22, which is scary. And I'll be moving out in the fall. It seems as if I'm growing up. Not that I haven't been grown up, my dad has always said I've been mature for my age (although that doesn't mean I can't have fun and be silly), but it's like reality is hitting me and soon it will be my turn to take on the world, get a job, and start to build my own life.

I still don't know exactly what I want to do yet, but weirdly I'm not super worried about it. I have a feeling that it will come into place. I like that things are wide open right now and that I'm exploring a few different avenues. I'm planning on going for my masters no matter what, so that also buys me some time before I'm cut off from the security of school. It's kind of exciting to have possibilities of what I can do. I like the place I'm at right now, and I know things will come to change, but I believe that there will be good changes. Not all change is bad, and sometimes we need to embrace it.

One thing I would honestly love to do is just be able to read more. I feel so caught up in reading for school that it's difficult to find time to read on my own, even if there is a bit of time, I'm a tad worn out from the class reading. It's not necessarily that I would like to read just fictional novels, I would like to read history books and philosophy books, anything like that. Sometimes I think that would be amazing because I could learn so much information that I feel like I don't learn in school because there are only certain classes that I can take and there's only so much you can do. I have a full load right now and during the summer I work and go to school so there is really no free time there either.

I know I wrote about this before, but I still need to get on it: my photography. I'm hoping when summer comes around I'll be able to do more things and go outside with my friends and experiment in photo shoots, but I'd love to start taking pictures again. I have the camera I spent all of my money on, but I just don't have the time to really do much with it. I have some ideas for things I would like to do but I haven't had the chance yet. These are just some things I've been thinking of lately I guess... Too many things, so little time.

"He had come back into her life like a sudden flame, blazing, and streaming into her heart. "

The worries of a college student...

When I first started this blog it was for the purpose of a class and it was about my worries as a college student. Whereas I do believe that we have many things to worry about, I don't think that these worries should keep anyone from remembering to live. When I look back at some of the stuff I wrote before I know there were things that I was going through, and there still are, just different things. There are always going to be things that we worry about, but we can't let that get in our way from finding the light and trying to find something that makes us happy. Worrying is good to some extent, because if we didn't worry, then we wouldn't work as hard or care about things, but worrying too much can hinder our motivation and determination to do things. It's like stress. Stress can be a good thing because it makes us push harder  to accomplish something, but having too much stress can wear you down.

That's what I've learned, not to focus too much on worrying. It's not good to always be worrying about things because your  mind can never relax and be free. I think, though, that everyone needs to go through a difficult time in their life to see that there are challenges that we need to overcome, otherwise you won't appreciate life for the good things it does give you. There are always going to be people going against you, as well as those who go along with you and support you, but it's how you take in the criticisms and praises that determines the outcome. It is not as smart to just go by the criticisms or just the praises. Like with Aristotle's Golden mean, the desired outcome is between two extremes, which means you are weighing the options and considering the two extremes that you could be and go somewhere in the middle. Now, more than ever, I've faced people on one side and some on the other of many things in my life spanning from my schooling and job choices to my relationships with certain people. I'm learning to take those people into consideration, but not to console solely with either, to make a intelligent decision somewhere in-between.  Before I used to worry too much and live more through my worrying.  I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live first, and worry second.

What a beautiful day

Don't let life get you down

Things come and things go

There will be things that try

to stand in your way

But that's the way we grow

We need something to  push

us to our limits and beyond

We are all something special

We all find something that 

inspires us and gives us 

our niche in the world

There are people we find

along the way that we 

don't want to give up

As well as those we leave

along the road that will 

be a memory in the past

Never forget that we 

only live once

Dance in the rain

Go for your dreams

Be different, be amazing

Don't let anyone change 

your mind if it's not something

you want to do

You're the beat to your

own drum, don't forget

I'm my own person

Making my own decisions

Doing what's best for me

Don't settle, go for it

What a beautiful day
The weather doesn't have to be the only thing to make a day beautiful

 All this the world well knows; yet none knows well

To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell. 

William Shakespeare

I'm usually the one that says I have no regrets, but I've come to wish I had never done something. I think the reason why I feel so badly about it is because I feel disappointed in myself. I hate thinking about it because I don't know why I did it. It meant nothing to me and it only drew my thoughts closer to you... and now because I hurt you in some way, I feel even more guilty. I know I can't ever take it back and to me it doesn't ever feel like it happened, but no matter how I feel, you will always see things differently, and I understand that. I'm still bothered about things that you've done too, but I try to set it aside because there's nothing I can do about it and I don't want it to come between us now. It just bothers us to talk bout it and I want you to know that it's all in the past. I know this doesn't really change anything, but everything is done I never want it to be again. You have always been on my mind no matter how hard I tried to forget. I really did try, but just being in that situation made it worse. No matter what I tried to do, I think I realized afterward that it wouldn't help me forget you, because I never will. I'm sorry that it happened and I feel bad every time you mention it. Nothing good came out of it - except that it only made me want you back more. I never stopped loving you... that's why nothing was ever the same. You are unlike anyone else and I love that. No one is perfect and clearly I'm not. I hope someday you can forgive me. I'm so happy right now and this feeling with you is something I can't recreate with anyone else. I know I did something wrong and I'm just sorry that I let it happen.

I'm glad I'm here now though... I can't help where I've been, but I can help where I'm going.

Hey hey, what'd you say
You've been looking good today
Let's go around town and tell those guys that I'm taken

Smile like you mean it

And to go along with my last post, this is a picture that makes me smile. Colored vampire teeth are awesome! This was taken over the summer at huckleberry junction, so if you're looking for a good time, go there and play deal or no deal!

But sometimes I think we take for granted the things that make us smile until we lose it. We should always try and appreciate everything for what it's worth to us and tell those people how we feel. It's important and everyone likes to know that they make a difference in your life. Plus, smiling is fun, you don't want to lose that. Because once you have nothing to smile about, life starts to not have as many meaningful memories and good things to look back on and look forward to. Try not to look past the little things. Sometimes something as small as colored vampire teeth with someone can be just the thing to make you smile on a bad day. Just saying..

Smile

I've come to a realization. I write more when things are not going well in my life. If I'm upset, if I'm sad, if I'm depressed, you name it. I need a way to vent my feelings and I find that I can say what I feel more through words on paper or through here rather than telling someone. And that's just my point here. I haven't been writing as much lately. When I'm not as happy I'm usually at home, sitting around with nothing else to do but write about what's going on in my head, but right now... I am happy.
I'm busy doing stuff almost all hours of the day and having a great time, no longer needing to fill that void by writing out my sad emotions. I find myself living more in the present, out in the actual world, instead of through my pen and paper. I just need to remember to get back to writing more often about other things. It's so easy to ramble on and on when you're feeling angst, but now I don't have that aching to write as much since I don't have those feelings. And even though the mood of this sounds not as positive, it's most definitely a good thing. I'm just stating that I don't find myself writing on here as much because I used to have a lot more to write about when I was upset about things, but now I'm just happy, and I just want to live in the moment. I want to share my feelings, but also keep them inside some because they're kind of like my own little secret. Some things are too private and special to share with everyone. My happiness doesn't require writing to get my feelings out. People can tell from my mood that I'm happy and it's like stepping into some fresh air. I'm glad things are going well for me and I don't want to ruin it. I'm going to try writing more often though from now on. There are many other things for me to write about in the world, so I'll get on that as soon as I can.
And seeing as I love posting music.. for my mood here is the song and it makes me smile because sometimes you make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee... :)

debbiedoesraw.blogspot.com

Love Like This

My friend told me about this band and I really enjoy this song... check it out

Ke$ha Concert!

I had a ton of fun :)

Sick

Ugh, being sick really is not all that fun.Especially on the weekend. At least I'm not missing class, but I'm still missing the select amount of time free from school.
I get to lay on the couch and watch tv all day.. but it gets boring after a while. My body wants to do something but it doesn't have the energy. I feel a helpless and I hate this feeling. I want to be vibrant an vivacious but I can't. Other than that though, I'm doing very well. Spring break starts after this week of classes so that's something to look forward to.

Ahh, the screen is too bright.

:) I just feel like smiling.

V-Day.. sounds like D-Day

Happy Valentine's Day.

So today is a somewhat good day. Not as bad as I thought it would be initially. I had a pretty bad yesterday, but it turned around significantly so. I know I don't have a valentine this year, I mean a real one (since I have a pretendish one haha), but I still have someone in my heart. And you know that it still applies that if you look into the mirror you will still see my favorite thing in the world... my best friend.
So it's not a completely depressing day, besides my normal day of classes, yuck. Unfortunately, I hurt my ankle last Thursday playing soccer, but it has gotten better every day. Tonight I will attempt to play in my soccer game, hopefully not injuring it anymore or else I will scream in absolute anger. Not only do I have to be able to play soccer, I have to be able to exercise and run, so getting hurt really is not an option. Wish me luck :)

And I have a little funny story, although I know she doesn't find it amusing, it just made me laugh because usually you're excited to do something special with your valentine on Valentine's Day... but for my sister that's a different case. Currently she is not a happy camper with her husband and when I asked her if she was doing anything special she said yes, but she would rather go with anyone besides for him. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I couldn't help it. Carrie, you know I love you and I still hope you have a wonderful day.

So are you going to kiss me or not?

The Truth

Just don't tell them I've gone crazy
That I'm still strung out over you
Tell them anything you want to
Just don't tell them all the truth
I still need you

Well yeah, it basically speaks for itself. The truth is a hard thing to deal with... so just don't tell them please. It's hard enough to live with it every day and it's too much for others to know that it's still the same, after all this time.

Such a great text from last night....

(605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

Unfortunately the really good ones are too inappropriate for this.. :(

Bad pop, bad

You want to know what smells bad? Frozen coke zero that has exploded in my car. I don't know exactly why it smells so bad, but let me just tell you, don't keep a full can of pop in your car overnight in the winter. Just not smart on any level really.

I opened my car door this morning and was hit with this gross smell exiting into the open space, searching for fresh air. I laughed because I saw frozen slush on various parts of my car... I mean, it was pretty funny. I just thought, "yep, I'm dumb for leaving this in here for so long." My mom has had this happen to her many times when she puts a can in the freezer to make it really cold. The fridge isn't good enough? But she has to set an alarm on the stove to make sure she doesn't forget about it because it will explode and there will be slush all over. Fun times.

D. Sharon Pruitt, Pink Sherbet Photography

I know I seemed pretty anti-love earlier, but I came across this picture and I thought it was pretty cool, so I thought I'd share. Enjoy :)

Mon cœur est à toi

Love Stinks

I saw something that totally made my day. Since it is obviously getting close to Valentine's Day there are ads on countless websites about it and what not. Lovely right? Well the part that made me laugh was on Pandora, there is a strip at the top that says "Get ready for Valentine's Day by listening to one of our Love (or Love Stinks) Stations." It absolutely made me smile that they have a love stinks station because that is what I need. I'm so sick of everything being all about this day because for half of the people it's an amazingly romantic day, and for the other half it's the worst day ever. Most people only cater to the love birds, but now there is someone catering to the heartless. That makes me very happy. Thank you Pandora for giving me something extra cheery to listen to on Valentine's Day. It will honestly probably make Monday a hell of a lot better than it was going to be. And for all of you that have someone to share this sappy day with, then I guess congratulations. I'm truly happy for you and your coupleness.

The C Word

Change. It's that dreadful thing that we hate to hear because it risks stability and certainty. Change, at times, can be a good thing though. We often get too complacent in our lives because we get used to things and we live for the status quo. There's the famous saying, "if it's not broken, don't fix it," which people seem to attribute to the idea of change when they are afraid of something different, since they don't know the ramifications or consequences of the endeavors they take part in... but maybe it's not that something is broken, it might just be stale and boring, capable of other things, but doesn't want to fail on the way, so stay the same, where it knows it's safe. Change is needed to keep us guessing, to keep us challenged. Playing it safe for too long makes things boring and continually makes it harder for you to ever step outside of your box. It's like inertia. The longer you oppose change and stand still, the harder it is going to be for you to ever accept change and move with it. I'm not saying that you should constantly be changing and never be happy with what you have, but there are times when you are just itching for a change, something new, something different that won't eat away at your mind with the monotony.

It might be time for a change. It might be time for me to step out of my box and move away from home and experience a world unlike the one I know now. Yes, it will be scary and I might not be as successful as I hope, but I would rather try and fail than live always wondering, "What if I just tried?" What if? The mind feeds off of anxiety  and uncertainty to a particular point. Even though we don't always like the unknown, there's also something exciting in it, in which we like a little mystery instead of always being safe and cautious, always knowing the answer. So why not take a step, take a chance? You might regret not trying, because really, what's the harm in trying, as long as you don't give up at the first sign of fright. Let yourself feed of your nervousness... you might be hungry for some different sustenance. Just think about it, I know I am.

Gary Allan - Watching Airplanes

I would have to say that this is definitely a favorite of mine. While I love the music and listening to it, the lyrics also hit a string with me. There's something poetic about watching airplanes.. waiting and watching helplessly for something that isn't going to come, or at least never knowing which one she will actually be on. I think love does that to people, makes monotonous things not so monotonous.  Nothing matters except the burning passion and despair in the soul.

Also, watching airplanes makes me think of something a little kid would do. I think another thing love makes us do is act childish, and not necessarily in a bad way, but we get all giddy over things and we take enjoyment out of small things again, we find beauty in the things that we wouldn't normally see. But the helplessness I feel in this song, it's sad, but beautiful at the same time. I don't know, there's just something about this song that I will always love.

I love the line, "I wonder what you'd do if you looked out your window, and saw me running down the runway, just like I was crazy." Like really, I wonder what that person would do if they saw that person running crazily after them. There's something amazing about that. Love makes people do some crazy things when they don't want to lose someone. This makes things romantic and have such value. Things matter when you have someone to care about.

Sitting outside and watching plane after plane, ones taking off and some coming in, it is repetitive and stable. When something bad happens and you can't figure out why, something you can count on helps. You know that a plane will come in and one will go out. It's something stable to ease the mind. Maybe someday I'll sit outside and watch the airplanes.. in the summer of course, but I feel like it could potentially be a fun time. Just a place to relax and watch something you've never watched before. It could happen.

Confusion. This is what I feel. Nothing seems clear to me anymore. Well one thing is clear to me, but there are complications that come with it, so that is what makes it all seem confusing.
I wish things in life were simple. I know they never will be, but I can dream, hope, wish.
And that is what I seem to do... dream, hope, wish, about the things I want. I don't regret ever doing anything, but sometimes I do wish they had turned out differently.

The one thing I hate the most is people saying, "If it's meant to be..." O.K., yes, I understand why people say this and it's true, but this can also be the worst thing to hear. We all just want to know if it's going to be or not. Uncertainty is such a brain-twister at times. It muddles my mind. That's what I feel like - I'm in a big pile of mud and I look to the things I want and try to get there, but there is something tenacious holding me back.

I guess all we can say is que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be...
What else is there to do but just wait and see? : /

Goodbye? :(

Sometimes I feel like all we ever do is say gooodbye. I don't want to, but this seems to maybe be the case. Why? You slip through my fingers just like that...and you're gone.

Emma

Just for a little something to spice something up I thought I'd put this picture up... for 2 reasons. First, I love Emma Watson. Second, I absolutely love this picture. I think it's a really good picture and I especially am fond of the fog in the background. It makes her look like a torn up princess or something, which shows despair in beauty. And I think I need to get my camera out and start doing some work because I've been itching to get out and start doing something creative. Hopefully I'll get going and have some good stuff to show.

Wednesday nights

I just started working with my dad and sister again with a basketball program for autistic children. I had initially started this program with my dad, only it was soccer and not basketball, back when I was in the 8th grade. I was very involved in the program and I love working with the kids, they teach me so much and I can help them as well. I continued with the program through high school when I didn't have to work at my other job, and some of the kids I've gotten to know for a while now. It is such rewarding experience and I consider myself lucky that I've been a part of it for so long.


On the topic of autism though, I worry about the world in which we live in because most people with a disability always face hardship from others because they're different. It makes me so sad to see when kids have a difficult time growing up because they might not get the same experience that someone  else would have. They are made fun of brought down, not able to feel comfortable in their environment, which they should feel comfortable in and be able to prosper there. And not saying this is only a problem with those with disabilities, but also with regular children. But I'd have to say one thing, I have found so many kids that have so much to bring to this world that they don't get the chance to express to other people. The kids I have met and worked with have made my life more enjoyable and meaningful because it exposes me to a side that I don't see all the time and it makes me appreciate things more. They can still see light in the world even if they have a deficiency that makes it more difficult for them to achieve. That makes me see light in the situations that we often feel as if we will just fail at. Have spirit, have belief in yourself, and a lot of the kids I know do. And if they don't, I try to help them see that they do have the ability to accomplish these things, it might just take more work to get there.

I just wish sometimes that people could stop making fun of others because they might be different from ourselves. Once you step outside of your box and experience something new, it is usually better than when we stay in our secluded bubbles. Different doesn't mean it's bad, it just means unknown, and people are generally afraid of the unknown. Conquer the unknown, it'll widen your horizons and let you see a new perspective on life. Life will mean more to you then.

Sleeping to dream about you

and I'm so damn tired 

of having to live without you

My view

So I just finished the book A Room with a View by E.M. Forster for my 20th Century British Novel class. I really enjoyed it and the main character Lucy struggled at the end between her fiance and the guy she actually loved. There were a few things that I read that spoke to my soul so to say...

"Passion does not blind. No. Passion is sanity, and the woman you love, she is the only person you will ever really understand."

AND

"You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal."

Sometimes I don't know exactly how to feel in my current situation, but I still can associate my feelings with the second quote especially. I can try to ignore it, but the love I had for you will never truly leave me. You were too important to me and you still remain important to me. I know our lives are heading down separate paths, but for a time we had intertwined paths and I never wanted anything different. I have lost you physically, but never mentally nor emotionally. If you love someone you set them free. If I was selfish I would have tried to stop you and beg you to come back. Unfortunately, your happiness means much more to me than that, so I will always want you to find happiness with not matter what or who it is. That is why I think I'm okay with seeing you with someone else or talking to someone else... it's not that I'm completely over you, it's that I can accept it that I'm not right for you and that I need to move on and not dwell on it.

If you do go away to school I will miss you, but I also think you may need it. I haven't really felt this way until now, but I worry about you. I thought you would find success right at the turning point in our lives, but I've watched you and I hate to see you get hurt with things. It makes me feel bad and I only want you to find what will make you happy. Sometimes I wish things were different, but I know nothing will change and I've learned to deal with it. You may think whatever you want about me, but I know that you are always in my heart, always my best friend, always the one who got away. I'll be happy when I see you move on and find a good rhythm and happiness. You can say that you don't miss me, I think about you every day.

The little things are most worth it

I feel that I've learned lately to cherish and enjoy the little things and try not to stress as much about things, especially the things you cannot control. Worrying too much about things weighs us down because it gives us something we're constantly thinking about, but not in a good way. Finding something small that makes you happy can sometimes be more rewarding than something really big that can make you happy too I think. At least for me I've found that.

Lately, I have been having a good time, good life, good year. There have already been some things that have on the other side of the spectrum and have tried to hold me back a little from moving forward, but I'm not going to let those things stand in my way. I honestly feel like me right now. I'm happy to know that this is the person I am. I'm proud of myself and I'm enjoying this crazy journey we call life.

Unfortunately I was just turned down for being an orientation leader at school, but I'm not going to let it get to me. There were 40 something applicants for 4 spots, so the odds were slim, but I still tried to get the job. It was a good experience to go in to do the interviewing process and everything, so I can still take something good from it, even though I didn't get the desired outcome. This means though, that I have to start the job hunt now... I really do need to get a job, but I feel like it's going to be more difficult with my school schedule and work load. Oh, but I do have a part-time thing on Wednesday's that will be starting this week. It's a basketball program for autistic kids and I'll get paid a little for helping with it, so that'll give me something to work off of at least.

As for school, I have loads and loads of reading to do for my classes, but I'm still excited about this semester and the opportunites I'll have to learn and grow from my classes. I feel like each one has a lot to offer to me in strengthening my analyzing, writing, reading, and discussion skills. And it'll be a challenge, so it'll give me strength to accomplish tough things. That will give me good satisfaction after it is all done.

One other thing that I have found to help me is to appreciate my friends and what they do for me. I love hanging with my friends to get me out of the house and let my mind roam free a little bit, and they make me happy. Laughing is important, and they sure make me do a lot of it. Things are good right now. It makes me happy to say that. I'm just trying to hold on to it for as long as I can.