A Hidden Me?

I think probably some of you can relate to this, but after writing my sense of place essay, I feel like I've uncovered a part of myself that I didn't quite realize existed. I mean, I knew I felt this way to a certain extent, but I found it a little creepy to feel like I hadn't really known something about myself. What other gems lie beneath the surface of my skin? Should I make a cut and try to open up some sort of Shelly chamber of secrets (yes, I'm referencing Harry Potter, for any of you other obsessive hp fans out there)to unleash knowledge of myself, to myself? Probably not the best way to go about that, since I'm afraid of knives to begin with, but I'm getting off track. Sorry. My point is, I learned something about myself from writing this paper.

At first, I didn't like my paper and I just knew there was something wrong with it. I knew sort of what I wanted to say and get across, but I didn't do it in the way I really wanted. During workshop, from the help of my peer readers, we decided that I needed to make my paper more personal, with more examples or thoughts from me, instead of my more generalizing thoughts.

This got me thinking more about myself and how I actually felt about my sense of place; the soccer field. I changed a lot of the structure to my paper and I feel exceedingly better about the angle I took. I don't know how good of a paper it is, but I'm not as concerned about that right now because I'm still astonished at how I see myself a little differently.

I'm worried. Will I find out more stuff about me. Will it be unsettling? Will it be clarifying? Will it be destructing? Whatever it will be, I know it will be interesting to find out. I think everyone should have to write something like this because it gives them some insight into their lives that maybe they never realized before either. Who knows. But sometimes the scariest thing is discovering yourself and the things you try to keep oppressed inside of you. There comes a time when you need to confront your "hidden" self so that you can learn to live happily with who you are. You might find things you don't like and some that you do, but you can't run away from yourself forever. We do it all the time, trying to convince ourselves that we aren't a certain way, but what's the point of that? What good does it really do for ourselves and our growth? Ignorance is easy and satisfying. Don't ask don't tell.

Ask. Tell.

The Heart of Life is Good

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good"

These are some lyrics from John Mayer's song "Heart of Life." You can listen to the song here if you'd like
I was listening to it earlier and I like how he says that things don't happen exactly how we like it and things will be bad at times, but in general, life is good. And it's true that fear is misunderstood. This song also just has a good melody to it and I love listening to it.

We all have difficult times in our life, but we tend to look down on life and not appreciate all the wonderful things it does for us. I can't say that I always have this outlook, but we have to try looking at it like this.

And fear is misunderstood I believe. Yes, fear is scary and people try to stay away from it. But I think that fear drives us to our deepest desires sometimes because to get what we want, it's never an easy journey.

I guess this post isn't really about a worry I have.. but it's just something to think about. All of John Mayer's songs make me think. They all have so much truth to them, and I think we can actually learn more about ourselves from his words.

What friends?

This title is exactly how I feel. College is supposed to bring you new friends but mine has seemed to almost do the opposite. Three of my close friends have moved away so I never see them, and one of those friends I have lost touch with somewhat. So, I talk to them occasionally but I hardly ever see them. My best friend that lives here is hard to see because we're always in class and we work basically opposite shifts. Then there's my sister, my ultimate best friend, but she has a job and is busy all during the week so I never get to hang with her either.

I love going to U of M-Flint, but at times I don't like the part that it's harder to make friends. I go to class, then go to the lab to do homework, then go back to class, and then I go home. This leaves no time to really make friends that I'm going to spend time with outside of school. Yes, there are people I talk to in my classes, but that's as far as it ever goes. I have friends at work, but they're in high school. Yeah, I'm lame.

I just wish that I could make more friends here at college. People say that the friends you make in college will stay with you for a lifetime... so does that mean I will not have friends for the rest of my lifetime? I'm making it a little more dramatic than it really is, but I'm concerned that I look to do things but can't find anyone to do it with. I don't think I'm a completely terrible person to be around, so hopefully I can try making some new friends. I just think that it's harder to do in this setting than at colleges where everyone is staying in dorms and almost forced to mingle right away. I want to be able to enjoy the college atmosphere more, and don't get me wrong, I love it here at Flint, but sometimes I feel alone on campus. This is a worry I have that I wish I didn't have, because we all need to relax with friends to make life more enjoyable. I need to figure out a way to get this back in my life again. One more thing to be on my mind... oh, to be a college student =)

Focusing

Lately I've had a difficult time focusing on my homework.

Obviously, this is not a good thing.

The weird part is that I've never really had a time where I've had a hard time focusing, so it's a really different feeling to me. I honestly don't know why this has just started for me. I don't know if it's the classes, or just me. I actually enjoy my courses, but the homework to me is just, for a lack of a better word, dumb. It just seems somewhat pointless sometimes. But it's bugging me because I'm starting to have more trouble with doing my homework at night, so I've been waking up at 5:30 in the morning to do it. This way I know that have to get it done soon, so I'm pressured into focusing. Is that bad? I'm getting sick of waking up when it's so early. I spend like four and a half hours with no one around before my first class, so it's peaceful, but kind of spooky at the same time.

I guess I've just been going through some changes lately. To me, time seems to be going by really slowly and I don't necessarily like that feeling. I took spring and summer classes and I liked the fast pace of them and only having two classes to be full time. It was nice to be focused on just a few concepts, instead of five. It's nice to have variety, but it's like my brain is really scattered and I have to keep going over and over what needs to be done for each day for each class. My brain gets a little tired, I'm not going to lie.

It might just be because I've had so much on my mind lately.. I don't think I've had so many changes/stresses before that have bogged me down. I'm trying to get past everything and continue to stay focused and I hope I can do this. I will know for sure by the end of the semester if I could stay focused or not based on my grades =/ I'm trying.

Um..career?

So, a worry that I have is that I don't know what I want to do with my life exactly. I'm a sophomore with a new major. I started off college going into elementary education, striving for my masters in special education. This was a new area for me because all through high school I wanted to be a journalist. I changed so quickly because I was afraid to go into journalism with everything changing in the field, and I've always wanted to write for a newspaper. Well, print is starting to disappear more and more emphasis is on internet sources, so I went with another area I liked, working with people with disabilities.

I'm interested in autism ever since 8th grade when I helped my dad start a soccer program for children with autism. I really enjoyed working with them because I was opened up to a whole new spectrum of people and how they learned. It was a great experience and I continued to help him through my high school career as well. My dad is a psychologist and works with mental retardation and now autism, so I thought what a great thing to go into because I will have someone to help me through everything and help me get the job I really want. So, that's how I somehow got into teaching.

Deep down I knew that teaching wasn't what I had always wanted to do, but I actually found the classes interesting and the more I worked in the classroom, the more I got interested in it and found that things need to be changed in the way that we teach children. I liked that I was becoming more interested in teaching, but somewhere deep down I still knew that I would have rather been writing.

But writing... what job does that guarantee me? Exactly.
I don't know for sure if I want to be a journalist, but I'm keeping that option open. I'm currently taking a news writing class and I'm going to be writing for the newspaper here on campus, so I'll be able to see more if I want to do that. But it's still a hard field to go into.

All I know is that I love to write, and I know that this passion will help me land whatever job I'm going to get. But for right now, I have no idea what job that will be and it worries me. Not only me, it worries my father, which makes it worse on me. Upon changing my major, basically his only words for me were "what job are you going to get?" He wasn't necessarily mad that I had changed, but he sure made it seem like it in some way. I'm nervous that I will have a hard time finding something, but I also believe that I will make it. I will find a job I love to do writing, and all will be good. It will take work, I know that, but I'm willing to do that for the thing I love. Writing will see me through.

Happiness

This worry isn't just about me, it's a worry I have for everyone else too. I'm worried that people can't find some bit of happiness in their life. From having a tough time this last week, I knew that I needed something to make me happy again. Whatever it is, people need to find it.

Like at the farmer's market this morning, I took pictures of the colorful produce and people looked at me funnily, but why not do what I want to do? If something's going to make you happy, do it. Without something to make you happy life becomes much more difficult than it actually is, and it's already hard enough. I think we get in our heads too much at times, we can block ourselves from experiencing new and exciting things or we can make those things happen if we want to. Unfortunately, I think our worst enemy is often ourselves.

I worry that we stop ourselves from reaching our highest goals because we're afraid of failure. But knowing that we didn't try in the first place can grind our mind. Why are we not built to automatically go for our dreams, knowing that failure is a part of life and will make us stronger. Even if we know this general idea, this doesn't mean that it's easy to do the things that we want to do that terrify us. All I'm saying is I think we need to do the things we want in order to be happy. The easiest route is not always the best road to travel down. I made a decision just yesterday to embrace something that I didn't want to lose, even though I knew it would have been easier to let it go. I knew I would regret it though, and it would set me up for a longer time of unhappiness. Right now I'm happy and content in some way because I know I did what was right.

I worry that people don't listen to their instincts as much as they should. There is always going to be multiple voices inside your head telling you to do this and that, but we never really know which one to listen to. I'm not saying that following your instinct is always the right decision, but if you don't do what you really feel is necessary it will end up eating you away. You may make a mistake, but you'll learn that and change, instead of maybe never learning how you truly feel. I hope that people have some sense of place where they feel comfortable, but also feel like they jump off of the ledge to follow their heart's greatest desires. If we never jump, we never can never hit the ground, nor can we fly. We're just stuck in the same place, wondering what could have happened if only we had tried.

Failure is necessary to be successful. It's what you take from the failure that decides what kind of a person you'll become. If you don't learn from your mistakes you may continue to fail and get discouraged, but if you ever hope to have a happiness that you cannot deny, you need to fail sometimes in order to know where your passion lies. Don't let the things you truly want in life slip away. If you think it's too late, try anyway. Nothing makes you feel worse than knowing that you gave up because you were scared. Courage comes from those who take their fears and turn them into adventures, knowing that success is not always going to come. We all have courage, we just need to use it. You'll be happy with yourself that you did, and I think happiness is what we're all striving for in the long run. People don't realize how much potential they actually have, and I worry that they'll never see this in themselves. I know it's sort of lame to say this, but I do hope that everyone can find the pieces that make their puzzle. Whether it's a hobby, a job, a friend, anything... find what makes you happy and what makes you reach for the unthinkable.

Me, where are you?

So, I am a single girl. Newly single that is. This post isn't going to be about how terrible I feel or my broken heart, but it is going to be about how I'm almost worried about myself.

My boyfriend broke up with me last Monday, almost a week ago, and ever since then I haven't been myself really. I'm extremely moody, I colored my hair, painted my nails black, work out almost every free chance I have, and hardly sleep. I stay up late, wake up early, and take long drives at night to clear my head. I dyed my hair so that I wouldn't be the same person that I was with him. I almost want to back away, disappear, so no one will notice me. I get angry and I work out to relieve my stress. One minute I'll be O.K. and the next I'll be all over the place.

This clearly isn't normal for me.
I know that it's going to take time for me to get over things and start to heal, but at the moment I feel nothing. I feel numb, like nothing means anything anymore. The worst part is that I thought having classes all day would help distract me, but they don't. I have to fight with myself to pay attention and focus on the lecture or discussion when I've never had this problem before. I generally love school and am excited to go to my classes. Especially this semester, I have a good schedule, and right now I feel that I'm not fully enjoying it.

I feel like I'm a different person. Like I couldn't deal with myself being the same, so I had to change. I honestly know that I'm not necessarily a fun person to be around right now and I don't exactly want to be. I guess I'm just worried about how long this "me" is going to stay around and if she is here to stay. I almost want to go away and start a new life, but I know that I can't do that. Right now, I'm just taking everything one day at a time. I know that everyone will say, "it just takes time, you'll be alright, you'll move on." But I'm more worried about losing myself in this and not being able to return. Something tells me I'm going to have to deal with myself this way for a while, but not forget the old me that I know I want to be.

Books Galore!

On walking into class this morning I was asked what book I was reading. (Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks, if it matters. And yes, I am an avid reader of Nicholas Sparks; there is always a good story-line and I know I'm going to cry during it, but it has become a routine).

Then someone asked how I had any time to read a regular novel, for FUN. I know it is a difficult thing to do, since we are bogged down with a plethora of readings from stuffy college textbooks that cost a fortune. Why would I even try taking the time out of my schedule to read another book? Well, first, I love to read. Second, I always get to class early because I'm paranoid about being late, so I take the 15-20 extra minutes I have to read a book that I want to read. Third, this makes me happy and gives me a little bit of joy in the midst of stressful days with loads of work and other reading.

Somehow, this makes me make sure I finish the reading for the class or other homework before I get to class because I want to guarantee that I can have my few minutes of pleasurable reading. Right now I'm realizing that it's the little things that you have to embrace to make you happy, because sometimes we go through rough patches and extremely busy days, so I need a little enjoyment. It's not like I go out of my way and take time from studying to read on my own, so that's nice. I would generally just be sitting outside of the classroom twiddling my thumbs and that does me no good at all, so why not read a few pages to keep myself preoccupied and happy.

With all of the worrying I'm doing right now, sometimes I need to take a few minutes for myself and stop worrying. I can put my mind into another world and almost disappear for a while. Sometimes we need a distraction from the everyday monotony that forces our brain to go a million miles a minute. This is my way of giving my brain a little rest and rewarding it for all of the hard work it does.

Parking. Scratch that.

I get to school every day for a 9:30 class, so parking is not an issue for me.

However, if I ever want to leave school during the day to get something to eat since I have long breaks occasionally, it doesn’t even seem plausible because of the horrendous amount of people parking and no spots being available.

The other day I came back to campus a little more than a half hour early to park and get to my class on time and relax. That didn’t happen quite as I had planned.
First starting with the parking structure, I went around and around, going through all levels, but at a slow pace. Not only are there not enough open parking spots, but people also hold up the line by minutes because they wait for someone walking to their car or for someone to take their time pulling out to get their spot.
Next, I moved to the side parking lot behind the Rec Center. Every spot taken too! I drive through each lane multiple times just hoping to see the red taillights flash on. Unfortunately, I do not live in a fairy tale, so this naturally didn’t happen.

So I go back to the parking structure. Hmm, maybe I’ll just get lucky. By the way, I’ve already been searching for a spot for approximately 15 minutes. I’m a little stressed at this point because I would have liked to already been walking in the school, but instead I’m scrambling to find emptiness between those solid yellow lines.
No surprise, I cannot find a spot again, working my way up to the top and back to the bottom once more. Really? This is obnoxious.
I finally found a spot in the side parking lot, since I decided to try there again. By the time I took the keys out of my ignition there were 3 minutes left before class started.
I understand that it is difficult to find parking, but to the point of driving around for half an hour to find it and being late to class is almost not worth even going. The only thing I look forward to is the drop outs that start out by coming to class in the fall and trying to work hard, but end up slacking, dropping classes, and leaving parking spots open for me and my fellow classmates. Right now it looks like I’ll just have to wait it out and never leave campus because there are bars on my car to ensure that I always have a parking spot. Good times U of M-Flint.

Juggling

If only I had learned to throw more than 1 ball into the air at once.

There are only 24 hours in each day; no more, no less... unfortunately. Is there really enough time for class, work, homework, sleep, exercise, friends/family, and even some fun? I don't know. 
I feel like I'm constantly running from place to place with no spare time on my hands. I know this is something that almost all other college students face, especially these days with more adults going back to school with kids to worry about, but it is something that unites us all. Even though we're all used to this busy lifestyle, does it ever get any easier? Can we learn to juggle efficiently?
At times I think that I'm starting to get it down and that I can handle everything, but the ever-changing world seems to hinder me once again.  There are curve balls thrown at me from every direction that try to knock me down. I'm sorry, but who ever is throwing these hard objects at my face needs to stop, really. My mom taught me that throwing things at someone is not nice. Either not all moms are not teaching this to their children or this person is choosing not to listen. Well I'll tell you, it is wrong.

When I was younger I would look at jugglers and it was entertaining. Jugglers make juggling appear to be smooth, without much interference. This is true of other students as well. On the outside they come across as having everything together, but I bet you they're going out of their mind, just like me!

Maybe if I learn to actually juggle that would help me in life. Yeah, the key word there would be maybe. I won't get my hopes up.