Weight

I know it's not a bad thing to lose weight. Most people want to. I normally exercise daily, but now it's become multiple times daily.

I've lost 15 pounds in the last month or so. I used to be over what my weight "should" be. Now I'm under.
Whenever I find time I try to get in my 20 minute run. I also play soccer three times a week so like on Monday I ran twice, played in my soccer game for an hour, then went home and biked.

We have a workout area in my basement so I have easy access to exercise whenever I want to. My dad came downstairs to say goodnight to me and he asked if I was living down there now. To me it seems like a good place to be. It makes me feel good to run, but at the same time I know it's probably not the best thing for me to be doing it this much. Plus I haven't been eating as much, so that's double the trouble.

I don't know how long this workout frenzy will last, but all I know is that I'm using a substantial amount of shampoo washing my hair so much afterward.

I'm honestly sick of worrying. What is the point?
It only adds extra stress into my life that I don't need. Right now, all I need is to be alone.
I need to concentrate on myself because that is the only person I have control over.

I know it's good to be considerate about others, and I'm not saying that I'm ditching everyone because we still need to care about the ones we love, but there are times that you need to focus solely on yourself and make sure that you make it out alive.

This is my way of thinking right now. Think about myself to get through the day. Focus on homework, exercise, and work. This is where I'm at.

Just a list..

I worry that people won't know how much they truly mean to me.

I worry that I won't mean the same to someone as they do to me.

I worry that I hold on when I shouldn't, even though I know I'm never gonna let go, so what's the point in worrying about it?

I worry that the closest people to me will slip away because I try to hold on too tightly.

I worry that we, as humans, are too ignorant to face the truth and what's truly best for us.

I worry about those closest to me because I would rather suffer than watch them suffer (even if it might be the hardest thing for me to deal with).

I worry that I will lose you forever.

I worry that I won't make it.

I worry that I won't be the one.

I worry that you're the bigger person than me. I worry that you see that and look down on me.

I worry that you don't know that I look up to you and admire all of your hard work and dedication.

I worry that you don't think I can handle the situation, when I really know that it is somewhat true, but I won't give in that easily. I will handle it, no matter what, even with pain in it.

I worry that you won't see the light that shines from my face when I'm around you.

I worry that I'll scare you away with all of my worrying.

I worry that you don't know that I'm scared of the future as well and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Is that better or worse than you since you know what you're doing?

I worry that I'll never see you in the way I used to see you or how I see you in my dreams.

I, however, don't worry about how I won't feel differently. I've come to terms with these worries and I'm going to live each day with them. They're starting to become a part of me. I might not define myself by this, but these things are always in the back of my mind. I don't worry that you won't have someone to love you because I know I do. I don't worry about you making it, I worry about your struggles on your way to making it. I worry that you'll never see how much you do mean to me, because you're the greatest thing to me. I never worry about that, because I know it to be true.

And here's a picture of a puppy to make it end on a happier note

Sister

Hello =)
This is not necessarily a post on my worries, it is rather what I do to overcome all of the worrying and stressing I do. This is me and my sister at Sephora's. I was having a rough day when this picture was taken, and to cheer me up she took me there and I got a little makeover and then put on those really obnoxious eyelashes. I walked around and the looks I got from people were hysterical. It was a fun night, and I can always count on my sister to make my day better.

Similar to Nancy's "mistress" comment about Savannah and how people wanted her to change it to her sister, I'm not saying Carrie is my mistress (LOL), but the whole point of her paper was to convey that Savannah brought out a part of her that she never knew she had and completed her in a way that nothing else could. This is how I feel about my sister, well my actual sister, flesh and blood. She brings out a part of me that I don't have with anyone else. We're goofy all the time, but we support each other. I don't get to see her that much because we both lead extensively busy lives, but the time we actually get to spend together is always the highlight of my day.

She helps me to work out my stress. When she knows that I'm having a bad day, she takes me somewhere or does something for me to show that life is still fun.

My brother comments on us as being "weird" together, but why is weird a bad thing? He's just jealous of us and our awesome characteristics and ability to have a great time together, right? Even my dad once said that I seemed like a different person around my sister. Not different as I change, but I'm more open and carefree. I joke and bounce around like I'm weightless. I love my sister. She completes a part of me that no one else really can.

I hope that everyone else has someone like this to help them through their rough patches and just be "weird" with. Being goofy isn't all that bad... it's FUN. Let your goofy side in and let some steam out. We all need to.

A Hidden Me?

I think probably some of you can relate to this, but after writing my sense of place essay, I feel like I've uncovered a part of myself that I didn't quite realize existed. I mean, I knew I felt this way to a certain extent, but I found it a little creepy to feel like I hadn't really known something about myself. What other gems lie beneath the surface of my skin? Should I make a cut and try to open up some sort of Shelly chamber of secrets (yes, I'm referencing Harry Potter, for any of you other obsessive hp fans out there)to unleash knowledge of myself, to myself? Probably not the best way to go about that, since I'm afraid of knives to begin with, but I'm getting off track. Sorry. My point is, I learned something about myself from writing this paper.

At first, I didn't like my paper and I just knew there was something wrong with it. I knew sort of what I wanted to say and get across, but I didn't do it in the way I really wanted. During workshop, from the help of my peer readers, we decided that I needed to make my paper more personal, with more examples or thoughts from me, instead of my more generalizing thoughts.

This got me thinking more about myself and how I actually felt about my sense of place; the soccer field. I changed a lot of the structure to my paper and I feel exceedingly better about the angle I took. I don't know how good of a paper it is, but I'm not as concerned about that right now because I'm still astonished at how I see myself a little differently.

I'm worried. Will I find out more stuff about me. Will it be unsettling? Will it be clarifying? Will it be destructing? Whatever it will be, I know it will be interesting to find out. I think everyone should have to write something like this because it gives them some insight into their lives that maybe they never realized before either. Who knows. But sometimes the scariest thing is discovering yourself and the things you try to keep oppressed inside of you. There comes a time when you need to confront your "hidden" self so that you can learn to live happily with who you are. You might find things you don't like and some that you do, but you can't run away from yourself forever. We do it all the time, trying to convince ourselves that we aren't a certain way, but what's the point of that? What good does it really do for ourselves and our growth? Ignorance is easy and satisfying. Don't ask don't tell.

Ask. Tell.

The Heart of Life is Good

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good"

These are some lyrics from John Mayer's song "Heart of Life." You can listen to the song here if you'd like
I was listening to it earlier and I like how he says that things don't happen exactly how we like it and things will be bad at times, but in general, life is good. And it's true that fear is misunderstood. This song also just has a good melody to it and I love listening to it.

We all have difficult times in our life, but we tend to look down on life and not appreciate all the wonderful things it does for us. I can't say that I always have this outlook, but we have to try looking at it like this.

And fear is misunderstood I believe. Yes, fear is scary and people try to stay away from it. But I think that fear drives us to our deepest desires sometimes because to get what we want, it's never an easy journey.

I guess this post isn't really about a worry I have.. but it's just something to think about. All of John Mayer's songs make me think. They all have so much truth to them, and I think we can actually learn more about ourselves from his words.

What friends?

This title is exactly how I feel. College is supposed to bring you new friends but mine has seemed to almost do the opposite. Three of my close friends have moved away so I never see them, and one of those friends I have lost touch with somewhat. So, I talk to them occasionally but I hardly ever see them. My best friend that lives here is hard to see because we're always in class and we work basically opposite shifts. Then there's my sister, my ultimate best friend, but she has a job and is busy all during the week so I never get to hang with her either.

I love going to U of M-Flint, but at times I don't like the part that it's harder to make friends. I go to class, then go to the lab to do homework, then go back to class, and then I go home. This leaves no time to really make friends that I'm going to spend time with outside of school. Yes, there are people I talk to in my classes, but that's as far as it ever goes. I have friends at work, but they're in high school. Yeah, I'm lame.

I just wish that I could make more friends here at college. People say that the friends you make in college will stay with you for a lifetime... so does that mean I will not have friends for the rest of my lifetime? I'm making it a little more dramatic than it really is, but I'm concerned that I look to do things but can't find anyone to do it with. I don't think I'm a completely terrible person to be around, so hopefully I can try making some new friends. I just think that it's harder to do in this setting than at colleges where everyone is staying in dorms and almost forced to mingle right away. I want to be able to enjoy the college atmosphere more, and don't get me wrong, I love it here at Flint, but sometimes I feel alone on campus. This is a worry I have that I wish I didn't have, because we all need to relax with friends to make life more enjoyable. I need to figure out a way to get this back in my life again. One more thing to be on my mind... oh, to be a college student =)