Random

I found this quote and it totally made my night. It's completely true. So guys, if you give us crap, we'll give you shit for real. Ha, just needed this for a smile and a laugh :)

I enjoy this picture immensely. I love depth of field photos because it always makes one part of the picture more defined and focused and centers the attention on that particular thing. And I've always loved the metaphorical meanings behind never-ending lines like this railing or a train track or a road... it's like there is a long road ahead of you that you can't quite see, but you have a long way to go and lots of memories on the way. It gives me a feeling of opportunity and life. It makes me feel hopeful in a way. There's a long road ahead of me and who knows where it'll end up.

I'm not going to lie... I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of giving in to a new way of life, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of feeling too much. But this means that I'm also afraid that I'm going to keep myself from experiencing something great. I can feel myself trying to put up a wall and I want to break through it, but I'm just...

afraid :/

The Harold Song

I recently listened to this song and stopped, realizing how true these words can be to someone. It's so easy to play a different part during the day, but once we get in the dark where no one is around, that's when our true feelings come out. We want to look a certain way in front of other people so that know that we're O.K., but that doesn't always mean that they are. They could be breaking down every night because that's when they can let it out. I worry that we can't always see people in distress because sometimes they are so good at hiding it, when all they really need is someone there to help them. Darkness is where we want our deepest feelings to stay, away from the light because then they are known. They are visible in the light and that's the last thing we want for them to be... visible.

I think this happens with everyone because there are always secrets that we keep to ourselves that no one knows. There are some things we feel embarrassed about or just want to keep to ourselves because making it known would almost give away a part of you that you hold so close. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's almost like giving up some of your identity that you don't want people to see. They would know too much about you and that's scary. There's a person now that still knows me better than anyone else and that's scary to me. We can't help what we let out once it is out, so we have to be careful with what we share, but make sure we don't keep everything in at the same time. What I've learned about life is that there is constantly a struggle, usually in ever single situation we encounter, and we have to choose the way we feel is best and it could either be a success or a failure. We don't know which it will be, but I can guarantee that there will be a decision for us to make.

Getting back to the song, I think it's getting out the feelings that we want people to know but we never want to say. It's hard to say that we get weak at times or that we still hold onto memories of people and that's what I like about it. I feel pain in the chorus when she talks about true love hurting. She mentions "young love murdered" which I think I can relate to. We all have our own stories and our own loves, but I think people can relate to this in some way, losing someone or something that kills us inside. I hate thinking about my time of weakness, but it's a part of me and I don't deny that it happened. I just like this song even though it makes me sad. Just thought I'd share this song because I like that through a lot of Ke$ha's interesting songs, she has some that really touch the heart as well.

Holiday

I know it's a day late, but Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful day, received the gifts they wanted, and spent time with loved ones :)

I had a good day, although I was a little sick. I got a lot of good stuff from Santa, aka Lou Anne. I got the movie Despicable Me, which I am sooooo excited to watch because I remember seeing it theaters and absolutely loving it! I can't wait to watch it, but I think I'm waiting to watch it with my friends Roxy and Erin since they haven't seen it yet. My sister hasn't either, which is surprising because it has Steve Carell in it, and let's just say, he is AMAZING. Our favorite actor by far. Never a dull movie or show with him in it. Which is also why I asked for The Office season 6. Yay! I got that too.

Another show that I've gotten into is Parenthood. I love the show and I started watching it because it had Lauren Graham in it, which is one of my favorite actresses starting from when I watched Gilmore Girls. Other than that I basically got gift cards because I'm broke and some books. I know I sound like a loser, but I'm so excited to read this break since I finally have the time. No more reading school books for a week or two, I can just snuggle on the couch reading for fun.

My brother and sister :) Plus Stu haha

I opened presents with my family, then had dinner which was good, but I like Thanksgiving food better... and then we went to the movies which is a regular tradition. We were planning on seeing Little Fockers but it was sold out, so instead we saw How Do You Know. This was a good movie. I laughed so much. Paul Rudd had a part in it like in I Love You, Man where he his humor was him kind of being dumb and saying weird things, but having it be hilarious at the same time. I found it entertaining, and if you like Paul I think you will too.

Other than that I just went to the gym and worked out. I know, people think I'm crazy, but like my brother said, "My body doesn't know that it's Christmas. It doesn't know why I'm taking a day off." So why would you take a day off? I ate, so I wanted to feel better by working it off. And that's exactly what I did, so I can take pride in the fact that I had the dedication to work out even on a holiday.

That was my day basically. I hope that no one had very many worries!! I know my friend had some problems the day before Christmas, which happened to be her birthday, and I'm sorry for that. I love her and I hope she had a better day.



I like to be British though, so Happy Christmas!

Milo

First of all, I love Milo Ventimiglia. 

Second, I love this picture. There's something about black and white photographs that always catch my attention. I know that when color came to pictures everyone loved it and sort of put black and white off to the side, but I think I like b&w almost better. For some reason I feel more emotion in pictures when they don't have color. Don't get me wrong, color is good too, but each has their pros and cons. 

This is just a random post... I saw the picture and thought I'd like to share it. What a gorgeous man ;)

Some songs

I've been listening to some fun music lately... probably because it just makes me feel good. Upbeat songs... it reminds me of how I used to be, instead of darker, depressing songs. I love feeling good. There are a couple of songs that I like just because they are simple, but they mean a lot at the same time. I guess I don't know exactly why I like them, I just do because it mimics my mood. I know some of these are old... but still, there's not a timer on when you can listen to them.

Fallin' for you - Colbie Caillat
I love this song because it's just so cute. It has a good melody and the words are so true. You want to say something, but then you're scared and we all have those feelings of falling for someone. I feel like I always battle it in my head, like do am I actually falling or am I just making up the feelings in my head to try and talk myself out of it...? But it's adorable and makes me smile. 
Kiss a girl - Keith Urban
Now this song doesn't mean that I want to kiss a girl, but I can relate to it about kissing a guy. There comes a point after your heart has broken that you just want to get back out there and start being happy again. I absolutely love the line about at first you're holding back, then you give in. It is extremely true, but at the same time that's what sort of makes the kiss so special because  you're nervous, but you want to do it so badly at the same time. Just a fun beat that I get into.
Crazy Love - Michael Buble
This song... well I love Michael. I love his voice and his retro style. This is a cute song that I always find myself singing along to. It's pace is slower, but easy to listen to and sway along with.
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
My favorite part in this song is when he is checking out his tongue in the mirror and draws a face in the mirror and laughs. Jason Mraz is adorable and I love his voice. Good song...
Hip to my heart - The Band Perry
This is a new favorite of mine. I like your lips like I like my coca cola yeah, oh how it pops and fizzes - the first time I heard this song that line immediately got my attention. I enjoy the beat and it's funny how people can become so hipped to our hearts... we all find someone like that.
How far do you wanna go - Gloriana
I like this song not only because of the beat but because of the question.. how far do you wanna go? Should we be each others worlds? Should we be in love? How far do we want to take this... it's a question I think about in my head sometimes and it's like should we really be doing this or do we just want to let it go.. 
Put you in a song - Keith Urban
Ohhhh how I love Keith. This is his newest single and I really like the idea of putting someone in a song because most songs I hear I link someone to that song.  This talks about doing just that, but making someone basically into a song and it's great how our mood relates to our music and feelings. When we love someone we want to write a song for them, something beautiful that we always want to listen to and turn up. Just a cool idea for a song. 
Ok, it's alright with me - Eric Hutchinson
Watch this video. Eric looks so cute playing the piano and he gets into the song so much. His voice is interesting and soulful but bouncy at the same time. I love this song every since the first time I heard it. Just a fun song to listen to and I have listened to it countless times. 
The way you make me feel - Michael Jackson
Gahhh, the beginning music makes me dance every time I heart it. Such a great song, I love listening to it and dancing in the car. I just go all out because I feel the rhythm and what to express myself.

So those are just  some of the songs I listen to a lot because I enjoy them. Sometimes I worry about how much I listen to songs.. but at the same time I'm like who cares?! As long as I'm enjoying myself what does it matter, right? I hope so.

I'm happy :)

And I can't remember the last time I've actually said that.
Really, I don't know the last time I've said that or truly meant it and that worries me a little. I think I'm in a good place right now and I can admit that to myself, which is usually the hardest part. Usually I have to lie to myself, but right now I know I'm not. I'm content and I'm smiling. I feel like this is a tad unusual for me in the last couple of months. I've sort of been all over the place, but I can finally feel myself getting back to where I need to be.

My last paper for this class I wrote about compulsive exercising and I realized that I had a problem with that myself. It freaked me out because I never really thought about it as a problem. Exercising made me feel better about myself and it just became habit. I no longer felt like doing it for health reasons, I did it because I felt terrible if I didn't. I started eating less as well. I remember eating maybe once a day, exercising multiple times per day as well as play soccer at the end of the day. The only reason I ate was to give me some strength to run again. This was clearly not healthy. Soccer even lost its appeal to me. I didn't feel like playing, I was just already on the teams so I continued to play. It's sad to think that a sport I've played my entire life started to lose its meaning. But it happened.

This is just a little sneak into what happened to me with my exercising, but I'm honestly better. I still work out, but I do it because I want to again. I don't feel like I constantly have to, but I like to. I like to stay healthy and it still makes me feel good about myself. I eat because I'm hungry, not so that I can run again. In general, I feel better about myself. I'm proud that I'm feeling more confident in myself and getting out there and having fun. This last semester was hell for me and I am so thankful that I can officially say that it's over with and it's past me. I'm looking forward to next semester and all of my classes :) These past few months I haven't been as much of myself and it was visible in my school work and effort. I still did well, but I just knew it wasn't me.

I glad to be the person I am. I really am happy.

What do I do?
How do I feel?
How do I respond?
Is this the right thing for me?
Is it?

No matter how much I hard I try to run away I feel like gravity keeps pulling me back... do I succumb to gravity or do I try to defy it? What do I truly want and what is best for me- these are the two questions that I honestly need to answer, and soon. Very, very soon. I just don't have the answers.

This is my Christmas wish: to understand.

Music

 This is a song that I have taken to heart lately... one of my earlier posts about feeling like everything  is a dream came from this. I can go through the different stages of emotions I have by the songs I listen to. It's interesting how this works...


Songs. The lyrics, the melody, the mood, the memories...
I wish songs wouldn't have so much meaning into them. There are songs that I just can't listen to anymore because of association. This annoys me to no end. Shuffle on the ipod-when it hits that song, push next as fast as you can. I realize just how ma
ny songs I have that I don't want to listen to or simply cannot listen to because of what I associate it with. Songs have such beautiful meanings, but there are occasions when those meanings turn to the dark side and are no longer beautiful.


You just want to erase it... forget that anything ever happened to make you remember something from a tune, but you can't. It's ingrained in your mind, never letting you forget, ever present in your mind.


Why do we let ourselves get attached to things? In particular to this post the music and feelings that come with it. Music can be an escape when you need it, but I feel like it's also a portal to that world that we're most trying to run away from. Things change in your life, but the songs stay the same. They may be old, but they are always stay the exact same. I wish they would change to how I feel now so that I wouldn't have to have bad memories.


I worry that amazing songs get ruined because of the things we relate it back to. I worry that these songs will lose their beauty and true meanings when things like this happen. New songs come though and you can make new associations.. if only these could make those other songs evaporate.


There is so much music out there that we can pick and choose what we want to listen to since there are different genres that cater to our different moods. Music is soothing. Music is soul. Music is the devil at the same time. But I wouldn't want to live without it.

e.e. cummings

I saw this on another person's blog and I really liked it. It's a poem from e.e. cummings...

i like my body when it is with your

body. It is so quite a new thing. 

Muscles better and nerves more.

i like your body. i like what it does,

i like its hows. i like to feel the spine

of your body and its bones, and the trembling

-firm-smoothness and which i will

again and again and again

kiss, i like kissing this and that of you, 

i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz

of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes

over parting flesh... and eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

There's just something about this that makes me feel the passion and loveliness of what is written. It's amazing to feel such a thing for a person, to never feel something better than deep and undenying love for another being. I think that the words are strong and I like that he talks about the spine and the bones because sometimes it's the odd things on a persons body that we find the most sensual. It's something different to everyone, but there's just something about that person that makes your heart go wild. I also like how he says the "thrill." It's the heart's anticipation that builds up this excitement inside, that cannot wait for the catch. Something about this just stood out to me. Poetry, or writing in general, grabs certain types of people, and this one seemed to grab me. 

Thank you e.e. cummings, and your strange name that you changed to have no capital letters. I guess that makes me shelly renee nason. no caps. ever. anymore. my teachers won't like this.

To be or not to be

I worry that I don't have what it takes to accomplish my biggest ambitions in life. I think everyone feels this way at times, but how far does it go before you stop yourself from even trying?

Is it dumb to want to tackle a problem that seems impossible? Is it not even worth trying? Does it take some bold act of courage or craziness to be able to do this? People may think you're crazy but I think that for me, if I want to do something, like really want to do something, then I know I should do it because it will eat away at me if I don't. That for me, I believe, is the difference between not going for it or backing it off. If I'm dead set on doing something, I won't be able to live without thinking about it all the time and wondering what would happen if I just did it.

Since there are usually multiple things that people want to do in their life, we have to prioritize and figure out what it truly is that we want to do. There's no point going through life thinking about what you should have done because it will only make you think less of yourself. To me, if I try and I look like an idiot, failing, then at least I can say that I didn't chicken out. I'm also the type of person that derives greater determination when I don't do as well as I had hoped. I don't want to be remembered as a person who didn't try or only gave a minimal performance. I want to wow people with my ability to stick with things and give my all, even if I still don't succeed.

If anyone has ever watched me play soccer, I think they can see what I'm saying. I never give up. If I lose the ball, or if someone gets past me, I don't stand there feeling sad for myself that I failed at the moment, I get back on the ball immediately and try to win it back. It does no good to feel sorry for yourself when you could work hard to try and reverse that feeling. It makes me angry when I see other people give up because they are giving up on themselves in a way and they aren't giving their all. I know not everyone is going to work as hard as me, and some will work harder than me (because I'm not trying to say I'm the greatest thing out there), but you have to work to your potential and show yourself that you can do it.

I know that I worry about accomplishing things, especially right now with my schooling because I have a lot of tough goals for myself in the future. Nothing is certain yet, but I know I'm going to have to work extremely hard if I want to do them. But thinking about it right now, I know that later on in life if I do it, then I can look back on myself with pride and respect because I won't have given up from fear.

Like Nike's slogan says:

 

And just a side note....if you have want a laugh, look up some of these images for "Nike just do it" and there are some funny images.

What? Why?

Sometimes I worry about what goes on in the minds of other people. It's such a mystery what goes on in our own heads  that it's almost unfathomable to think or understand what is going on in someone else's.  This entry has more to do with my friend than with me this time. A lot of this is similar to what I went through, but it has now hit her. Her boyfriend just broke up with her, but he says he still loves her and cares for her. I'm sorry, but that doesn't really make sense.

People say one thing, but often do another. It would be nice if the human race came with a manual that told us what this action meant or told us how to deduce diction. We can always make inferences on why someone did what they did, but we are not always correct. I worry that we give up things that we don't realize we're giving up at the time. But maybe once you realize, it could be lost forever. That is our problem. We, more often times than not, don't know what we want, or possibly it is that we always want more and never settle with what makes us happy. Settling as in not always searching for more when you have what makes you happy now. Not settling as in giving up on finding what you want. If you're happy with someone or love them, why give it up?

It is difficult to read other people. We may think we know them, but they could be acting way out of character, so it makes you reevaluate everything that the person was before.

And why do we fight ourselves so much? I feel that sometimes we fight against ourselves from being happy because that is when we have something to lose. You can't get hurt as easily when you're not passionate about something or happy. It's too easy to forget that bad things can happen when you're truly happy. Your outlook on life is that everything is good, and all of a sudden it'll disappear when a rain cloud starts to downpour on you, and only you. So which way is better? Staying away from happiness so that you don't get hurt, or give in to what we want and risk getting hurt? People go both ways. I don't know which way is actually the right way to go because I can argue both sides. Sometimes the hurt is just too deep that you never want to experience anything like it again so you only let yourself reach a certain kind of happiness that can't be taken away.

Who knows how to combat these problems.. we just have to make a decision and try it out. That's what sucks about life, you never quite know what to do or how it's going to turn out, but you have to pick a way and live it to find out. Yay for uncertainty!

Jinsonchan.com

I'm just sitting out here watching airplanes take off and fly. Trying to figure out which one you might be on and why you don't love me anymore.

This is it... well for class

Well the semester is almost done... we turned in our last papers and we left our last class period together. I know some people didn't really like the whole idea of writing a blog, but I really liked it actually. I think it's nice to just have it to put your thoughts out there, even if you don't have a lot of people reading it. It keeps you writing, which is important for writers. You have to be writing constantly. It doesn't have to be something incredibly important, but anything really. And for me, writing out something makes me feel better. I can let out my feelings, and I can choose what I want to share and what I don't want to.

I liked this class because it challenged me. When I would first hear the topics for the papers I was like oh, I can write about this, but then I always found that it was much more difficult than I had initially thought. I had to work harder for the grade I wanted, since I have sort of slacked off a little this semester in general in all of my classes. I couldn't just squeeze by in this class. 

Some of you won't continue to write on your blogs, expressing deep loathing for it, but I think I'm going to keep writing. I like the idea of blogs, although I didn't at first. But it's a good resource for anyone who likes to write or would like to share ideas with other people. It's a little piece of someone, and I like to see personalities and passions come out of people that you wouldn't necessarily know by just looking at them. People have truly magnificent ideas in their heads but a lot of times they're too timid to share them. Blogging is an opportunity for people to say something that they would normally keep inside of them.

When I first started my blog this semester I feel like I was in a very different mind set. And looking back, I think I can see the progress I've made and that's kind of cool to see it documented and right there in actual form. I don't like to see all of my thoughts disappear, even if they don't mean anything to anyone else, so I like that I can keep them safe on here, that they won't disappear in my head. I liked looking at the other things that people wrote about, so thank you everyone for the good reading material :)

I hope I will see you guys in some of my other classes!

Ankle

Last year around this time I started playing soccer after probably having about a year off. I hurt my ankle and I honestly have never had a really bad injury all of my life playing soccer. I had to wrap my ankle, and after two games I thought it as O.K. without. Boy was I wrong. I rolled it even worse that time and I had to wear a brace for a while and only shoot with my left foot because it was that weak. I never had a real problem with it after that. I continued to wear a brace for a while, but I didn't hurt it any further. I had a few minor problems with it on and off during the summer but it had finally gotten to the point where I completely forgot that I even had that problem. It was nice not having to worry about my ankle while playing... Until last Thursday.

I didn't even roll my ankle or fall, I only shot with my right foot. Something happened though and the pain I remember experiencing before came back to me. It hurt to run on it and even just to walk on. I can run fine, but when it comes to all the transitioning in an actual soccer game, I hope it will be good. I will make sure to wear a brace or wrap it because I'm playing on more teams now then I was before and I really have no time to let it heal. I can't afford to take time off. I can't stop exercising. I'll get angry and cranky if I do. Plus tonight is the semifinals for intramural at school and I'm the only girl on the team and you have to have a girl on the field at all times. This means they need me.

So I worry about being hurt right now. I don't worry about the pain, I just worry about not being to play and what not. I would be really screwed if that happened. Well, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 You can't blame gravity for falling in love

 Albert Einstein

Who can you blame for falling in love? Who can you blame for feeling anything? No one really. I think there is something unknown and strange about why we feel the things we do. And I know that with me, no matter how much I tell myself to do one thing, I might always feel another way because I just can't seem to change it. It would be so easy to say we're going to do one thing and actually do it, feel it, change it inside of us. I think one way, but I feel another. I try listening to myself no matter how difficult it may be, but I still find myself backing away from that at times. 

Is it safer to go with how you feel or how you think? Sometimes these two things coincide with each other and agree, but many times we have that struggle inside of ourselves, like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. If you only make decisions on your feelings then you may miss out on tons or great experiences or you may heart yourself from falling into the same trap again. If you only make decisions based on detailed thoughts and careful debate there are consequences there too. I think you need to take into consideration both thought and feeling in life, but the tough part is when to listen to your heart or your brain. And I know that you can't actually feel anything with your "heart" as we usually say, but I mean it in the way of our emotions. There's a struggle going on in every person to combat problems and it's interesting to see which path people take. Sometimes we fall into giving into our emotions time after time and repeatedly get hurt, while others may never give into their emotions which could keep them from experiencing something they truly want or that will make them happy. 

There's no clear line between the two. Only a mixing of the two, a real gray area, exists. It's difficult to decide which way to follow in a particular situation, but I feel that if we make a wrong decision we can always try to rectify it. There is always a chance to change something if you want it to change. We just have to try. We're always going to make mistakes and do things we wish we wouldn't have done, but try not to regret it because we learn from our mistakes and our successes. If you wish something had been different just try. You owe it to yourself to try, otherwise you'll spend your whole life wishing you had. 

I worry that we give up too easily on stuff, but that we also hold on to things too much. The human brain is intricate and difficult to understand and it's frustrating at times. 

I worry about acting on my feelings versus my brain... and I don't blame gravity. Things happen because they were meant to. I was meant to feel that way and think that way. Now I'm only trying to find out what I'm meant to think and feel now.

I don't blame myself for falling, to seemingly give into gravity. I don't blame anyone or anything. I can't tell you exactly why I feel the way I do, I can only justify that I do feel this way. Maybe we should stop worrying about why we feel and think more about how to go about life feeling this way. It's to difficult to change so just embrace it. Learn to live with it and combat problems being confident in yourself the way you are. It does no good to worry about something you can't control. It'll only drive you crazy. We think that it's easier to use blame. It takes the responsibility off of ourselves and somehow makes us feel better about ourselves? It makes me feel worse about myself because then I'm too much of a pansy to accept myself for the way I am. It's immature to put the blame on someone or something that doesn't deserve it, but we all do it at times. It is all me, the way I feel and the way I am. I don't feel embarrassed at the way I am because that only means I'm turning my back on myself. I'm proud of the way I am, and I fall for the things that I love. I might fall at times that I don't want to, but I can't deny that I didn't fall. But the thing I'm learning is "I get knocked down but I get up again. Ain't nothing going to keep me down." I'm not down in spirit. I look up and forward to getting stronger every day.

Carlton

As much as I try to deny that winter is here, it is whether I like it or not. With winter comes snow and bad weather, roads, etc. This means I'm worried about Carlton, my car.

I'm a college student, so of course I don't have a nice car. He's not the greatest thing ever, but he's mine :) I get worried though about him breaking down or having some other sort of trouble and I already need a new muffler. I get nervous to drive him when the roads are bad because I feel like he will just lose control and spin out. This has already happened to me in my neighborhood (where the roads are always ten times worse) last week. I mean everyone has to be extra cautious during this time of the year, just some cars are safer than others. It's not that he's not a safe car to drive in, I just get nervous because I feel like he's fragile haha. 

We've been through a lot together already with different types of problems so I hope he can make it through another season of cold, bad weather. I'm not ready to see him go!
But this also makes me worried for everyone driving during the winter. People still drive fast even though the roads are bad, thinking nothing bad can happen to them, which I can admit to doing as well. You never know when you could lose control of your car, or another car could and then hit you, so we just have to be careful. That's all I'm asking of everyone is to be careful. Stupid Michigan with its stupid weather and stupid roads! Snow, just stay off the pavement please. That would make things much easier.

The end is near!

Everyone is talking about the end of the semester. Hallelujah! But inevitably, all tests and papers are taken or due at the same time. This means a lot of work to be done. This is a worry for everyone. The end of the semester is looked at with such excitement, but we can't forget that we still have to work hard before the break. It's the time when we become giddy because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have to try to stay focused on getting everything done on time and appropriately.

I'm not too worried about the work load since this is now my fifth semester here (counting spring and summer), so the same things happens every time. This doesn't mean that I can't take it any less seriously though. I have three papers due, as well as a rewrite I have to do, and multiple tests, all in the next two weeks. That's quite a lot of work, and that's the only unfortunate thing about college is that it seems like you have hardly anything going on at some points and then everything hits you right in the same week. This really tests our skills to not procrastinate and work diligently, otherwise it will bite us in the butt.

It's a stressful time of the semester, including the busyness of the holidays. There are so many things in the way to distract us, but we can't let them! At least with all of the hard work we put into these next couple of weeks will come with the reward of having a vacation and not having to worry about school at all, like with Thanksgiving break. We need a little down time for our brains to relax and not be so strung up on the distress we encounter while in classes. Breaks don't last forever, but we need something to challenge us, so I guess it's a cycle that will continue to occur throughout our lives.

Where is reality?

Do you ever worry that the past was all a dream?

Sometimes I worry that it was only just a dream. Dreams you wake up from. You are in a different world, you are in a serene world away from the troubles of every day life. So in this sense, it was just a dream. The recent past to me seems like a whole other world that I never really lived in, or sometimes I wish I had lived, but abruptly woke up from. My world now is so radically different and when I look back on it all, it seems unreal to me. It literally feels like a dream.

What are dreams? Why do we have the dreams we have? Sometimes I want to crush my dreams because they bring me back. Maybe that's why I feel that it was all a dream, since I dream about it, and that is all I can do. That's why when I wake up I hate that I dreamt anything at all. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want to look back and forget to look forward. It does me no good to live in the past when it doesn't exist. That's probably why I look to the future alone now.

I'm worried that these dream worlds will never be anything but that. And they won't. They are only mere memories encompassed in my mind that I replay over and over. I worry that I will continue to dream, when all I want is to move on and forget. I want to dream of the future and things that have yet to happen, but obviously this cannot happen. If the future were known, I wouldn't have to dream about it; I would be, and am, living it.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live

                                                                                  -J.K. Rowling 

Money :(

I am honestly worried about money. I need a new job, like now. Today was my last day at Playland (tear) for the winter and unfortunately that means only one more paycheck coming to my name. One. That's it. This means that I am scared.

Yes, I do have money in the bank, but I don't want to have to rely on that. I need money the most for gas, otherwise I will not be going to classes and then I would fail, and well, that would just be a nightmare. But other than school work, I would have to say that this is one of my biggest worries right now. It's just always in the back of my mind. I really need to get cracking on the job hunt or I will find myself in a real pickle. But I think I will O.K. I'm usually good at getting out of sticky situations, and also I will be able to get money and giftcards for Christmas which will help me out immensely.

This also makes me think of all of the people who are unemployed that have families and more expenses than I do. If I'm feeling stressed and I don't have as much to worry about, they must be going crazy. It is terrible that the unemployment rate is so high. How do people live without working? Not only does it give you the money  you need to provide for yourself, it also keeps you busy. I want to work as well so that I have something to do. During the winter when it's cold and depressing anyway, if I have more free time to just sit around, that's going to be a real problem for me. I like to stay active doing things because then I'm happier and less lazy. It's nice to stay busy. I like to have things to do, even if it is working. I can't imagine not having a job, since I've had one since I was 14. I just get used to it being there. I need to stop writing on here and find one. Bye!

?

I worry about how you would think of me if you knew, how you would feel... If you knew.



But I guess I just need to worry about how I feel and what I think. You are only a memory in the past and I will continue to be a memory in the present and future. I am me.

Roxanne

i love this girl more than words

I'm worried about what will happen when Roxy goes to Michigan State next year. She says that she's worried about getting in, but I don't have any doubts about her getting in. I know I will drive up and see her whenever I can, but it just stinks that I won't have her here. I mean, I guess I'm already used to it with my best friends Erin and Amanda being gone, but Roxy has still always been here and we've become so much closer since we started college. I don't worry that we won't stay in touch, it'll just be sad to see her go. I know though, that she will have a blast and I'll be excited to see her go, but I'll still be here at U of M-Flint.

I guess this makes me a little worried about friends again in general, because before I even had a post about how I was worried about not making enough friends. What will happen when all my friends leave to go on to do bigger and better things? I really love school here though, so I don't really want to leave, plus it'll be more expensive. I wish I could apparate like in Harry Potter so that I could just appear in a far away place in seconds time. It would help save my problem of having to drive everywhere to see people when I might not necessarily have the time, or the money for gas. It will turn out O.K. I won't let her moving away keep me from staying in touch. It'll be a change for both of us, but who am I kidding, we still have an entire semester and wonderful summer to spend with each other before this anyway. Cherish all the memories and never forget the ones that mean the most to you.  

My love :)

I'm honestly worried that I will spend all of my money going to see Harry Potter.

I've already gone 4 times. Yes, I went four times the first day. First at midnight, then at 10 in the morning, then 3 and finally 7. Greatest day ever! My sister and I have done this routine for the last three movies I believe and the tradition continues. I absolutely love doing it. And with this movie, I want to go so many more times. My favorite part of the whole movie was when Harry took Hermione's hand and danced with her. This was just a simple act that went a long way and made me smile so big every time I saw it.

I want to go and see that part again and again. I want to be able to dance silly with someone like that. It makes me happy to see that because I feel like I can have that one day. Everything about Harry Potter makes my life. And since there are no more books and only one movie left (AHHH!) I have to enjoy every little bit there is left, which means going to see the movie again and again! I also have spent some money on shirts. I bought three of them, but it was completely necessary. There were just too many awesome shirts at Hot Topic to pass it up :) I'm a dork, what can I say, but I'm happy with how I am. As long as I'm happy, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Go see the movie!!!!

A Little Bit Stronger

I know this should be something I'm worried about, hence my blog, but I feel like this just really describes me right now. This song by Sara Evans just gives me inspiration because it's true that every day I get stronger. Everything that happens to us in our lives will help us become the people we are meant to be. There are going to be painful things that happen to us, but it's how we take those experiences and learn from them that defines us. I don't want to dwell on the past. I need to look forward and focus on being happy and enjoying life. I'm trying really hard and it's working. Even though I still have my bad days, I know that it'll be better, that I'll be a better person from all of this. I'm not worried that I won't overcome this, the only question is when I can truly say that I've put it all behind me. But I'm not trying to say that I never had a past with him. I still cherish the memories I had with him, it's just sad that things can't be better between us.

I'm moving on though. I am stronger and I will continue to get stronger. I just can't thank my friends enough for being there for me. They have done a world of good for me and I don't know what I'd do without them. I'm sick of thinking that things are going to change. This is my life now and I'm embracing it for what it is. I'm proud of the progress I've made. I won't let my heart be dragged around. I am my own person and I'll be O.K. I can look in the mirror and see battle scars, but this is now a part of me and it'll never go away. Learning from the past will make my future that much better. I worry about myself, but at the same time I don't because I know I can weather the worst. I'm not just going to fall apart because of this loss. I'm stronger than that and just watch me as I continue to grow larger.

This song kind of made me realize this about myself. It's true, my heart will never be the same, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can only control what happens to me from now on and I can accept that. I've accepted what has happened and I'm stronger for this. I don't want to fall again.

I am a fighter.

That time of the month... or maybe not?

I am worried about girls who get pregnant too early in life. I'm sorry, this seems like a random topic for me to talk about, and it's not about me, but a friend of mine, and just girls in general. I feel that girls are not thinking clear enough in relationships and that we give ourselves over to men easily, or rather we're not being as smart about it as we should.

People are going to have sex no matter what, no matter what they're told, they will. But one of the consequences of this is obviously bearing a child. I'm worried that these girls will lose out on the chance to be a kid, to go to college, to have an easier time through these difficult ages, instead of having another life to worry about. I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to have kids, or that they still can't have a life if they have a kid as a teenager, but everything becomes so much more difficult for them trying to make a life for themselves. How will they be able to support themselves and their child as well as make a life? It takes a lot of work take care of yourself, let alone another human being, especially when you're the sole protector and guider for that other being. It's scary to be in that situation at any age and it makes me scared to see girls fall into this situation too early. I really do not want to make it seem that they can't have a wonderful life or make their life work, because I know mistakes happen and it might not necessarily be a mistake, every child is a miracle and an important part of the world, but at the same time these things usually aren't planned and so it puts extra pressure on these girls when they would normally be worrying about their school work and what they're going to wear that day.

I just want everything to work out for this girl. I'm here for her if she needs help, and I hope that her parents are supportive of her and help her because it's only hurting her and her child more if they neglect her, even if she did make a mistake. As humans we are flawed and we all make mistakes, just some of them are bigger than others, but you can still take this endeavors and learn from them and grow as a person. I admire that she is being a strong girl and taking responsibility for her actions and not just shoving it off like it doesn't matter, but some girls are different in this situation.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it's sad to see girls fall into this trap if they had other plans and this happened to crop up on them. I worry about her and I want her to be O.K. through all of this. It'll definitely make her a stronger person. At least she has a good guy that is sticking by her. I worry, but I think it will turn out all right.

Firework

This is one of my favorite songs right now. Katy Perry has really caught my attention lately. I think this song is inspiring to everyone, especially the video, because everyone has something special to offer to this world, whether they think they do or not. We just forget to show ourselves off sometimes in fear of being hurt or embarrassed, but we need to show our colors off more and be the people we want to be.

This is a worry that I think encompasses everyone, that we don't let our true colors show, or we don't let our freak flag fly. I think in order to be happy we have to be the people we want to be. It does no good to pretend to be someone else, and if we really have a passion in our hearts to do something then we need to do it because it will end up eating us away in the end I think. We all have dreams in our hearts and we only live once, so why not go for it all? Let your hair down, be crazy, stick up for something you believe in, fight for the ones you love, make it count.

I'm not afraid to show who I am. I am a dork- I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, I'm a reading fanatic, I love school (which is something not a lot of people say), I love to run, I love energy and having it, I love rambling, I know just about every single line in the entire series of Gilmore Girls, and I working on getting over my embarrassment in a particular area of my life. I like who I am as a person and I hope others like themselves too. We all have a spark in us that people don't see. Don't be afraid. Live like you don't have another day. Be the person you want to be and show others. Hiding is keeping yourself from experiencing greatness.

Baby you're a firework

I worry about feeling embarrassed. Or rather I worry about being embarrassed about how I'm feeling.
I feel exposed and just down-right dumb.



It's embarrassing.

A little peak at me

 These are two of my best friends! I love them to death, and yes, we are doing a lame mirror shot, but sometimes you just have to even though it's cheesy. The one next to me, Amanda, goes to Central University and Roxy (also known as Roxanna, even though her name is Roxanne), next to Amanda, goes to Mott right now and is planning on going to MSU.

Amanda MF Fowler :)

 This is Nick Bouchard. He is one of the nicest guys I have hung around with in a while and super hilarious. He totally made the weekend a load of laughs, even while making fun of my voice (which let's face it, everyone did since it's obnoxious) . I really hope that Nick has a better week because things have not being going well for him at the moment. But I am thinking about him and wishing him the best. We all have some low points, but I'm here for him and I know he's there for me if i need him. Thanks for looking out for us this weekend.

 An attempt at another mirror shot for Saturday night, but I messed this up a little bit. But most of the time the pictures you mess up always have the best memories. Although, the hot green tea I'm holding in my hand did jack squat for my voice. I was hoping it would help, because hot vernors (ew) does, so I figured something else hot would do the same. Not quite. I'll remember that from this picture.

These are just two other pictures that I like. I had a fun weekend, but unfortunately some not so good things happened on Saturday night. I won't give the details, but I love my friends and I'm here for them when they need me. I hope everything turns out all right and a calm week will hopefully smooth some things out.

Good thing I can type

I'm worried and quite annoyed because I have no voice. I've had a sore throat all week and Thursday evening it decided to just disappear. Well it really needs to come back soon because it is terrible to have hardly any voice, and the sounds that I do make sound raspy and like a man. It's a hassle to even have a conversation with someone and then they make fun of me anyway and won't take me seriously.

I'm worried because I've been sick for a week and I don't seem to be getting all that better. I feel like it's something that's going to be sticking around for a little while because I still have to play soccer, go to school, and work. I'm trying to get as much sleep as I can, but I have so much to do right now. I feel like this is the busiest time of the semester for me, especially this weekend in general, and it doesn't help that two of my closest friends are back for the weekend from college and I don't see them often. I love that they're here, but I also have stuff I need to do =/

I hate not having a voice. I have to think twice as much about what I say because I can't ramble on an on like I usually do. I have to make every word count. I guess people might see this as a good thing since I'm not talking as much, but still, I can't hold a conversation so then they get mad. I can't win. I'm looking everywhere for my voice but I can't find it. I think I need to work a little harder on my detective skills because this is on case that needs to be cracked.

Media

I have a worry that the media has gotten away from its real purpose, to report the news to the citizens. Too much now we only hear fluffy topics geared towards what interests people the most so the company can make money. The media should be informing the public, not just telling them what they want to hear.

When people think of the media these days they automatically put up a wall and the first words to come out of their mouths are biased, money-hungry, advertising, etc, but they all have a negative connotation. It's no longer seen as an entity for the people, so that they receive proper information. I worry that the media will never go back to this. Growing up, I've always seen the media as having that job of relaying information to the people, or that's how I think that it's supposed to be. I wanted to be a journalist so I could tell the people things that they don't know, to uncover truths that are hidden in society.

It has gotten away from reporting on the things that are important to what will make money and keep the people happy. Telling the truth isn't always going to make people happy. You have to dig deep to get the real story, and that's what should be happening still, not just dancing around the subject without going further. I think the media has an obligation to the people to tell them things that they don't know, but it has gotten away from this. I don't blame people for seeing the media as something that we should be skeptical of. Will media be able to ever come back to the righteous, objective self that it's supposed to be? In our world of capitalism, probably not. Everyone is interested in making money and no one is there to truly serve the people. Why? Why can't we just care about doing the right thing and making a difference to people?

Hello Dean

 

This is a picture I took with my camera Dean of a lighthouse while I was up in Marquette. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a lot of pictures because it was extremely windy and cold on the water and my hands were numb. I'm not as into taking pictures of scenery, even though I always think nature looks pretty, I would just rather take pictures of people and capture their personality in a photo. So here's a picture I took in high school of Evan Thompson. 

He is an intense Republican and I feel like there are not a lot of high schoolers that are as dedicated as Evan was, especially enough to have a flag. I loved this picture and I like taking things more like this. Also, I like taking sports pictures. Sort of like this one:

 

I love taking rapid shot photos and getting one that you get in thesplit moment you have to get the shot. There was one picture I took of a kid playing soccer, and I got an unbelievable shot of him doing a bicycle kick, which is a rare occurrence in general, so I was excited that I got the photo. People make photos interesting. I wish that Flint was a bigger school and had more sporting events to get reaction shots from the students, fans, and players. That's more how like my high school was and there was always people to take pictures of. I just have to figure out how to do that now because that's really what I like to take pictures of the most. People have stories to tell, and sometimes it's the most inspiring to see that through a photograph. Pictures can hold more meaning than words can with the emotion that can be captured.

To run is to live

One thing I look forward to each day is running. I know people think I'm probably crazy, but there's nothing like the feeling of running, especially if you're outside with the wind rushing past you.
Running is my high; it makes me feel free and it's like nothing can touch me. I run to calm myself, to think, to feel in control, to feel everything just for a short period of time.

This weekend I was at Northern University to visit one of my best friends, and it was actually nice enough to run outside, so I did, because I honestly get restless if I don't sometimes. I ran for about 40 minutes through the town of Marquette and by the little shops to the water. I ran in the morning so the sun on the water was a spectacular sight. When I run I feel like I'm running towards something, but also running away from things at the same time. No matter what, a run always makes me feel better.

It's a time where I can just be my myself and focus on me. Plus, listening to music is always a good thing. I'm worried how I would be without running, or working out in general. Well, actually, I sort of know the answer to this question because it happened to me once before in my life when I had a breathing problem and I couldn't really run because there was no way to fix my shortness of breath. I took a long time off and I always felt heavy and bogged down. I just don't want that to happen again. It scares me to think of losing something that makes me feel so good for a change. It's something real. I feel the pavement under my feet, I feel the sweat slowly dripping from the brow of my forehead down my face, I feel the pain in my legs (but a good pain), I feel myself grasp for the air, I feel myself pushing to the limits, and it feels right, normal.
Let's just say I'm crazy for running... and I think it may just feel the same way for me :)

Road Trip

Worries on a road trip according to Roxy's father:
Death by tire blowing out some random guy killing us and burning us with gasoline so there is no evidence.
Serial killer knocking out our teeth so they can't identify the body.
Deer. Enough said. (And I know this can be dangerous because my friend has hit multiple deer and let's just say his car is a trooper. I love you Karen- Carlton misses you).
Running out of gas and not getting to the side of the road quick enough and a car smashing into the back of us since were slowing down and then running into the center divider. That one sounds fun.
Pulling up next to a car and a crazy zombie man with incredible jumping skills flies onto the hood of our car with a crow bar and.. Well I think you can probably see what comes next with a weapon like that.
Being abandoned in the middle of no where, since we are heading to Marquette, and being watched by the "hills." A bum would probably walk toward us from out of nowhere and do something creepy. I'm not going to specify this because there are plent of creepy things that could be done but I don't really want to actually think about them.
A less interesting death would be to lose control of our car because of ice or snowy roads, because unfortunately it is snowing :(

All I can say is I hope we make it there safely. Thank you to Mr. Nitsos for making us nervous on our what would have been exciting trip to go see our best friend at school.

Without You

One of my favorite singers is Keith Urban. Absolutely love him and his beautiful voice. His new CD comes out November 16th and "Without You" is one of his new songs. I love the sincerity in this song because it's nice to tell the important people in your life that their love means something to you.

I do believe that the people we love make our lives that much more meaningful. Things just don't mean the same when you don't have the people there to make it what it is. I'm thankful that I have the people in my life that make it worth it. And even though one person isn't here as much anymore, my life still means so much more than it did before.

Keith says that all that he does doesn't mean the same thing without you. I feel the same. Without you I never would be this person.
"Without you I'd survive, but I'd have to have the notion that I could live this life just going through the motions."

Sometimes a little love can give people the wings they need to carry them through life. Friendship and love gives people more strength than I think they realize it can. It's just knowing that someone cares about you that makes life worth living... it gives us a reason to wake up each day because we know we mean something in this world, even though we're less than a dot on a map.

I worry that people may not have this feeling enough. Like with Lauren's topic on bullying and suicide, love can do wonders if we just show it more. Stop the bullying and the fighting and try to care. It's what we all really want, to actually mean something. Love with your heart and appreciate the good things in life, the things we can't pay for, because those things usually mean the most.

I love you and I'd be nothing without you.

$8

I feel a tad pathetic. I was on "extremely low" for my gas gauge, so I needed to get some obviously. Well, I went in to prepay the cashier and I said, "$8 on pump 6." He looked at me like, did you just say $8? Sadly, that is all the money I have. It was funny actually because I was just shrugged my shoulders because I mean that's all I had to put in. It won't get me very far, but I needed it at the moment. I really feel like a college student right now when I have absolutely no money and I come home everyday to eat. I hardly turn on my heat so that I won't waste more gas than I have to. I think I should starting bringing a blanket in the car so that I won't be as cold. Good idea? Pretty sad, but sure, I guess it could work.What keeps me in good spirits is my music. I just blast the jam and rock out and it makes everything better.

That reminds me of another story. I was hardcore dancing in my car to sexy bitch, which is just a great song ;) and oh so true. Well I was stopped at a street light and didn't let  up on my dancing one bit. I looked over and the girl was laughing at me and I just kept on going. I was thinking, your laughing is not fazing me at all, I'm just going to go harder. So I did. It's little moments like that that make me smile and enjoy life. Have fun, look like an idiot, and keep going. This is meee.

Blog or Journal?

Unfortunately I have stopped writing as much on my blog.. I know this is a requirement which makes it seem that much more substantial, but I've found an outlet that has taken me into it's pages and gotten feelings out that I can't display elsewhere. It's my journal.
I've found that I have so many thoughts running through my head and I always find myself wanting to write them down but I never seem to because I never had anywhere to put these pretty little thoughts. Well, they're not all pretty, so scratch that. Most of the things I'm feeling I can't really put on here, so I've found a mixture of emotions transcending from my mind, to my fingers, to pen, to paper. It makes me feel better to know that my thoughts don't just disappear. I don't know why, but I like to remember how I think and feel about certain situations.

My thoughts aren't exactly important to the rest of the world, but they're important to me in a way that I don't exactly understand. But it's a good way to document things that I otherwise cannot when it's only floating through my head. There are things I want people to know, things I want to do that are far fetched, things that scare me, things that excite me... basically it's just me, raw and uncovered in thing sheets of paper bound together in a book. There's something refreshing and relieving about being able to put your thoughts on something and knowing it's actually there. They are not just make believe strings of words coursing through my head, they're actual, literal thoughts, that may not be sane, but no less real.

It's a way for me to tell something, someone how I'm feeling, even if it's only myself that I'm telling. All I know is that it makes me feel better, but I forget that I still have to write on here. Oops =/

Falling out

I'm worried about my friends. All of them, whether they play a big role or a small role in my life, or whether they are in my life now or they were in the past.

We all say and do some stupid things, but I still care about them in some way. There are a lot of changes happening in my life and I'm having difficulties, but my friends are always there for me, and I am always there for them. There are some that I may fall out of touch with, and maybe people can't accept that for the reasons why it really took place, but I still hope they are happy and make good decisions on their journey through life.

It's hard to stay respectful and just live and let live, but I try to be for the most part. I feel bad that I may have hurt this persons feelings, but I never was outright calling her self-centered or rude. There were things that we both did that were wrong, but I can see that and you think I'm just throwing it all away, when really it has been a battle for me to make you see that you were somewhat in the wrong too.

I don't throw away the things that really matter to me. And I didn't try to throw her out, I just had new things in my life and she became different as well. I think that's the hardest part for us to do, to admit that we were in the wrong too. I admit it, I was in the wrong at times, but not admitting that she was wrong too only makes me feel like I'm better. I don't need things that are bogging me down with unnecessary stress right now. If she was the friend that she says she is then she would know that. But I still want the best for her. I hope that she can make new friends and start to change how she interacts with her friends.

This happened because it had to. I want to move on with life, but not forget the fun times we did share together once. I wish the best for all my friends and hope that they can stay on the right path. Well I guess I actually want that for everyone, but that seems like too big of a wish. I know we're all going to have troubles in life, but stay true to your friends and we'll get through it.

Work

Right now I am busy with work. I work the entire weekend usually starting with Thursday night. I have worked at Playland Park for 6 years now. If any of you know it, it's the go-kart place on Dort Hwy.

Well right now is our busiest time of the year because we have a haunted house, Saint Lucifer's Asylum. This year actually, we created a second one, 13 Feet Under. I'm a manager there and I have long hours, but it has been great for me right now because I really have nothing else better to do and it's kind of been an escape for me because at least at work I have something to focus on and keep me busy. The only problem is there is only one more weekend for the haunted house and I'm looking to get another job. I want to keep busy still and have that repetitious work load that I'm getting right now, but I don't know where to work.

I was thinking of applying at Borders because I've honestly wanted to work there for a really long time. But at the moment, I'm not even worried that much at where I'm working, I just want somewhere to work where I know I can get some hours and work hard. If anyone has any ideas on which places are hiring please let me know! But I think this week I will start my job hunt. I need to find something else because I've been at Playland too long and things are starting to get to me. I think it's my time to move on, since I have worked there since I was 14.

I've always been working during school, so I'm used to the demands of both. I don't want to take work away because it will give me too much down time that I don't think I'll be able to handle and I won't have any money. I haven't depended on my parents as much for money, I mean for my spending money, since before high school, so I'm used to being independent in that sense. Wouldn't that be great to be able to move out of my house and live on my own... yeah that's going a little bit too far since I don't have that much money. Mostly all I need money for right now is gas since I hardly eat and I don't have any free time to shop or do anything else for the matter.
Oh well, I'm trying to just stay busy, so job, please find me soon.

Hole

So my worry for today would have to be that I have a hole in my pants. A very minuscule hole, but does it have the potential to grow bigger?

Let my go back, it is a hole on my ass. Yes. I wasn't feeling very well this morning so I put on sweatpants to come to school to be comfy. Right before I left I noticed that the hole was there and I debated changing. Since I'm tired and am not in the best health state I decided against going back in my room, taking off my shoes, putting on some jeans, then putting my shoes back on. I had a legitimate reason right?

I'm only at school for one class and then I'm going to go back home and attempt to work out, so I'll be able to change then. Here's hoping that no one notices that there is a hole on my butt. But honestly, they will be behind me so I won't know what they're saying anyway so it won't even matter. Plus, you'd be lucky to catch a glimpse ;) Yes, I'm completely kidding, don't worry.

But the one thing that does worry me is it getting bigger. I'm sure it won't, but I have that "what-if" in the back of my mind. How hilarious would that be for me to walk through the hallways with a big hole that you can see my butt cheek. I would like to think that I'd laugh along with them, and maybe I would since it is what it is, but I would be mortified at the same time.
This actually reminds me of a time in high school when my jeans ripped in my freshman year, and another time when I was going to a Crosby, Stills, and Nash concert. Both times I ripped my pants right under my butt, so there was a big spot on my leg that you could see. Thankfully, I did have sweatshirts that I could cover it up with. Since then this hasn't happened, so I'd like to not make it a third.

Book Review

Secrets of Her Past
Escape. If only she could tear free from the chains that restrict her at home. Not her home in Southport, North Carolina, but her previous residence. This is the story of Katie and her new life, trying to run away from her old one. The question in her mind is will her past be following her? Literally, following her, hunting her down?
Another story by Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven still includes the elements of his romantic love stories of two people who were destined to be together, with obstacles in the way; however, this one strays away from his usual sappy, tear-inducing love story. Safe Haven brings a different side of Sparks, the dark and mysterious side.
Katie is trying to fit into the small town of Southport, living a quiet, busy life, waitressing and fixing up her desolate house. She is sheltered and only wants someplace to make her feel safe.
Safe. That’s how Katie wants to feel and that’s how she describes Southport. It’s safe.
But what is it safe from? The reader is brought along on a journey to uncover the truth behind her sudden appearance in a town where everybody knows everything about everyone. No one knows anything about Katie; probably because Katie isn’t really Katie.
Changing her identity, “Katie” flees from Boston to liberate herself from the restrictive home she once knew. She used to think that she was safe there too, until the punches and bruises came.
In Southport Katie finds the companionship of two friends; Jo, her next-door neighbor, and Alex, a widowed store owner. She begins to feel comfortable and starts to let her guard down, as she becomes closer with Jo, confiding in her some of her past, and also with spending time with Alex and his two children. Alex knows she has a past that Katie is trying to evade, but he gets to know her for the person she is, not for what she was.
The story unwraps into a hunt for this girl. The past will not give up that easily on what was lost, and Katie’s ties with Alex and his family will come to be in danger. She wanted to disappear from his radar, but he found her, like he always said he would. The past is always with her, no matter where she goes.
Breaking free is the goal. The mystery of Katie’s past and why she can’t let go constantly makes the book difficult to put down. Suckling at the timidity and evasiveness that encompasses Katie, you don’t want to leave the world Sparks created until you know what is battling in the back of her mind. It’s a fairly quick and easy read, but it’ll keep you on the edge of your seat, always wanting to turn the page one more time before you stop reading.
If you’re looking for a traditional Sparks novel that makes you fall in love with the characters and the setting of the story you’ll find that, but in an unconventional way for him. He takes a step out with new elements of darkness and sadistic intrigue that will draw the reader into the pages. You’ll find yourself wrapped in Katie’s emotional struggle from an oppressed and punishing lifestyle to trying to find a normal, bland life where she can just be her, without interference.
The change was surprising, and some of his usual followers may not appreciate the different angle, but it was a successful change of how love can overcome even the darkest of secrets.

Hello, that hurt.

Last night I had a soccer game and I was struck twice in my shin, leaving a big bruise and red marks.
And no, I don't wear shin guards. I can't find my old ones, and usually nothing that bad happens except for a few minor bruises here and there, so I just deal with it.

Well this morning I woke up and my shin hurts when I'm walking. Not excruciatingly, but I can feel it when I walk. I have a small bump on my leg, and this reminded me of my friend when he literally had a bump on his shin the size of a tennis ball. No joke.

I started to think about that and I'm just glad that I don't have a tennis ball sized bump on my leg. I'm glad I only have a minor injury, something that won't be hanging around for long. What I keep thinking of though is how he made me touch that large lump on his leg. My response was "Ewwww no!" But I did touch it. It didn't feel good. He took his injury a lot better than I did, since I was freaking out for him.

Another extremely minor injury that I think you might find amusing is that I hurt my finger. This isn't out of the norm, but I hurt it when I went to kick the ball. I cocked my leg back and some how my hand got in the way of my foot, so my cleats told it to back off by hitting my finger with my cleat. That did not feel good. But I did score on that shot, so it wasn't all that bad. I think it's funny though when I do something as stupid as that to hurt myself. I also cleated myself so many times once in a game on the inside of my ankle that I gave myself a bruise and torn skin, making it rub against my shoe when I ran which didn't feel pretty. This was my fault and no one else. Maybe I should be worried about my safety when I'm around myself. Wait, that's all the time. There's no way I can outrun myself. Oh well, I'll just have to come equipped with padding.

Please, no one be as dumb as me sometimes. Thank you.

Ta-Ta-Ta-Taylor

Ok, I have a legitimate question that I think some of you could understand where I'm coming from with this: has Taylor Swift really had that many boyfriends that she thought was the one or had her heart broken to write four minute songs about, and only being 21?

What brings this to mind is the release of her new CD coming out in a few days. I brought up my yahoo page to check my mail and I see a story about Taylor Swift and how they wonder if one of her new songs is bashing the maybe relationship between her and John Mayer.

The article goes into explaining what each song is about and how most of them are about guys. I'm not the biggest Swift fan, but I'm not going to lie when I say that I do like some of her songs. The stories behind the songs are usually cute and interesting, something that girls can relate to, but seriously, has she had that many relationships that have gone bad or has she just been making up that they're all about different guys.

I just find it amusing that a girl can have so many heart-wrenching loves before she can legally drink. I understand that we have flings, but her flings turn into her dreaming of an entire life with a guy in her new song "Mine" after he put his arm around her by the water. Everything else in the song was what she imagined their life could have been together. And then the next song is about Taylor Lautner, then some guy she met once in New York after an email they shared, and then to some other guy. Were they all that special? Just curious. They may have been, but it's something I think and wonder about.

I guess we're all different because there is only one person that I've truly felt a certain way for. I know I'm only 19, but compared to Swift, I've got a lot of catching up to do. Unfortunately, that won't be happening any time soon for me because I'm not that type of girl, but I would hate for me to be a guy she dated and have a bad song written about me.. just saying.

Can any of you relate to her numerous loves?

Do I deserve this?

One thing that has been bothering me is that I feel like I've been awarded something that I don't deserve. I know this sounds crazy, and I should be happy, but for some reason it just feels wrong to me, like it belonged to me before but not now.

At the beginning of the semester I was invited to be part of the Golden Key Honor Society, if any of you know it. And just last week I was invited to be part of an honor society on campus for my English major. Normally this would be a good thing, and my parents are proud of me for having good grades to get stuff like this, but this semester has been different for me and I don't feel like I'm living up to the old student that I was before that earned the grades to be excellent.

My grades are still fine right now, but I find it so hard to focus right now and I don't spend as much time studying as I probably should be. I squeeze by on all of my assignments (times wise) but still get good grades. I don't feel like the studious person I was before and it bothers me. I think I can get back to that person, I just feel like I have to get used to this world now, since my life is different than my previous semesters.
I'm happy that I've been given the chance to be a part of these prestigious groups, I just hope that I'll be able to live up to how they see me. I feel like I'm cheating the system right now, even though I know I'm really not. I've gotten a little better with my school work than I had been a few weeks ago, so I hope that I'll be continuing to make strides to be the student I was before. Time is all it takes.

The place where a kid can be a kid

We're all kids inside aren't we? Well travel back to the place where a kid can be a kid: Chuck E Cheese's. It's nice to go back to a time where all I had to think about was what game I wanted to spend my token on or what to buy with my tickets.

My sister took me there on Wednesday for my half birthday. Don't ask me why, but she feels that it is necessary to celebrate your half birthday and she gets mad when no one recognizes it for her. She bought me a sparkling tiara as well to make me feel like a special little girl =)

We figured out that the best way to spend one token is to get your picture taken, where it's sketched out and printed right there for you. We spend at least 20 minutes sitting there taking pictures over and over again. Goofy ones, cute ones, you name it. This was my only worry; having fun with my sister. Which this is not a worry in itself, just a sense that you need to take a trip down memory lane and remember when having fun was the only worry we had. It's funny to think that when we were younger we used to get upset at not having enough time to play outside or having to go to bed early. Now we hardly have enough time to play at all and we wish we had time to sleep.

Chuck E Cheese is a fun place to be. From the food to the games to the picture booth, it truly is a place where a kid can be a kid. Even though we grow up on the outside, there's still going to be the kid part of us inside, although it might not show all the time. But it's good to be a kid sometimes. Who says that growing up has to take the fun out of everything? We make our own lives, so why not unleash the kid inside sometimes, get in the car, and head to the place with the big scary mouse.