Where is reality?

Do you ever worry that the past was all a dream?

Sometimes I worry that it was only just a dream. Dreams you wake up from. You are in a different world, you are in a serene world away from the troubles of every day life. So in this sense, it was just a dream. The recent past to me seems like a whole other world that I never really lived in, or sometimes I wish I had lived, but abruptly woke up from. My world now is so radically different and when I look back on it all, it seems unreal to me. It literally feels like a dream.

What are dreams? Why do we have the dreams we have? Sometimes I want to crush my dreams because they bring me back. Maybe that's why I feel that it was all a dream, since I dream about it, and that is all I can do. That's why when I wake up I hate that I dreamt anything at all. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want to look back and forget to look forward. It does me no good to live in the past when it doesn't exist. That's probably why I look to the future alone now.

I'm worried that these dream worlds will never be anything but that. And they won't. They are only mere memories encompassed in my mind that I replay over and over. I worry that I will continue to dream, when all I want is to move on and forget. I want to dream of the future and things that have yet to happen, but obviously this cannot happen. If the future were known, I wouldn't have to dream about it; I would be, and am, living it.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live

                                                                                  -J.K. Rowling 

Money :(

I am honestly worried about money. I need a new job, like now. Today was my last day at Playland (tear) for the winter and unfortunately that means only one more paycheck coming to my name. One. That's it. This means that I am scared.

Yes, I do have money in the bank, but I don't want to have to rely on that. I need money the most for gas, otherwise I will not be going to classes and then I would fail, and well, that would just be a nightmare. But other than school work, I would have to say that this is one of my biggest worries right now. It's just always in the back of my mind. I really need to get cracking on the job hunt or I will find myself in a real pickle. But I think I will O.K. I'm usually good at getting out of sticky situations, and also I will be able to get money and giftcards for Christmas which will help me out immensely.

This also makes me think of all of the people who are unemployed that have families and more expenses than I do. If I'm feeling stressed and I don't have as much to worry about, they must be going crazy. It is terrible that the unemployment rate is so high. How do people live without working? Not only does it give you the money  you need to provide for yourself, it also keeps you busy. I want to work as well so that I have something to do. During the winter when it's cold and depressing anyway, if I have more free time to just sit around, that's going to be a real problem for me. I like to stay active doing things because then I'm happier and less lazy. It's nice to stay busy. I like to have things to do, even if it is working. I can't imagine not having a job, since I've had one since I was 14. I just get used to it being there. I need to stop writing on here and find one. Bye!

?

I worry about how you would think of me if you knew, how you would feel... If you knew.



But I guess I just need to worry about how I feel and what I think. You are only a memory in the past and I will continue to be a memory in the present and future. I am me.

Roxanne

i love this girl more than words

I'm worried about what will happen when Roxy goes to Michigan State next year. She says that she's worried about getting in, but I don't have any doubts about her getting in. I know I will drive up and see her whenever I can, but it just stinks that I won't have her here. I mean, I guess I'm already used to it with my best friends Erin and Amanda being gone, but Roxy has still always been here and we've become so much closer since we started college. I don't worry that we won't stay in touch, it'll just be sad to see her go. I know though, that she will have a blast and I'll be excited to see her go, but I'll still be here at U of M-Flint.

I guess this makes me a little worried about friends again in general, because before I even had a post about how I was worried about not making enough friends. What will happen when all my friends leave to go on to do bigger and better things? I really love school here though, so I don't really want to leave, plus it'll be more expensive. I wish I could apparate like in Harry Potter so that I could just appear in a far away place in seconds time. It would help save my problem of having to drive everywhere to see people when I might not necessarily have the time, or the money for gas. It will turn out O.K. I won't let her moving away keep me from staying in touch. It'll be a change for both of us, but who am I kidding, we still have an entire semester and wonderful summer to spend with each other before this anyway. Cherish all the memories and never forget the ones that mean the most to you.  

My love :)

I'm honestly worried that I will spend all of my money going to see Harry Potter.

I've already gone 4 times. Yes, I went four times the first day. First at midnight, then at 10 in the morning, then 3 and finally 7. Greatest day ever! My sister and I have done this routine for the last three movies I believe and the tradition continues. I absolutely love doing it. And with this movie, I want to go so many more times. My favorite part of the whole movie was when Harry took Hermione's hand and danced with her. This was just a simple act that went a long way and made me smile so big every time I saw it.

I want to go and see that part again and again. I want to be able to dance silly with someone like that. It makes me happy to see that because I feel like I can have that one day. Everything about Harry Potter makes my life. And since there are no more books and only one movie left (AHHH!) I have to enjoy every little bit there is left, which means going to see the movie again and again! I also have spent some money on shirts. I bought three of them, but it was completely necessary. There were just too many awesome shirts at Hot Topic to pass it up :) I'm a dork, what can I say, but I'm happy with how I am. As long as I'm happy, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Go see the movie!!!!

A Little Bit Stronger

I know this should be something I'm worried about, hence my blog, but I feel like this just really describes me right now. This song by Sara Evans just gives me inspiration because it's true that every day I get stronger. Everything that happens to us in our lives will help us become the people we are meant to be. There are going to be painful things that happen to us, but it's how we take those experiences and learn from them that defines us. I don't want to dwell on the past. I need to look forward and focus on being happy and enjoying life. I'm trying really hard and it's working. Even though I still have my bad days, I know that it'll be better, that I'll be a better person from all of this. I'm not worried that I won't overcome this, the only question is when I can truly say that I've put it all behind me. But I'm not trying to say that I never had a past with him. I still cherish the memories I had with him, it's just sad that things can't be better between us.

I'm moving on though. I am stronger and I will continue to get stronger. I just can't thank my friends enough for being there for me. They have done a world of good for me and I don't know what I'd do without them. I'm sick of thinking that things are going to change. This is my life now and I'm embracing it for what it is. I'm proud of the progress I've made. I won't let my heart be dragged around. I am my own person and I'll be O.K. I can look in the mirror and see battle scars, but this is now a part of me and it'll never go away. Learning from the past will make my future that much better. I worry about myself, but at the same time I don't because I know I can weather the worst. I'm not just going to fall apart because of this loss. I'm stronger than that and just watch me as I continue to grow larger.

This song kind of made me realize this about myself. It's true, my heart will never be the same, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can only control what happens to me from now on and I can accept that. I've accepted what has happened and I'm stronger for this. I don't want to fall again.

I am a fighter.

That time of the month... or maybe not?

I am worried about girls who get pregnant too early in life. I'm sorry, this seems like a random topic for me to talk about, and it's not about me, but a friend of mine, and just girls in general. I feel that girls are not thinking clear enough in relationships and that we give ourselves over to men easily, or rather we're not being as smart about it as we should.

People are going to have sex no matter what, no matter what they're told, they will. But one of the consequences of this is obviously bearing a child. I'm worried that these girls will lose out on the chance to be a kid, to go to college, to have an easier time through these difficult ages, instead of having another life to worry about. I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to have kids, or that they still can't have a life if they have a kid as a teenager, but everything becomes so much more difficult for them trying to make a life for themselves. How will they be able to support themselves and their child as well as make a life? It takes a lot of work take care of yourself, let alone another human being, especially when you're the sole protector and guider for that other being. It's scary to be in that situation at any age and it makes me scared to see girls fall into this situation too early. I really do not want to make it seem that they can't have a wonderful life or make their life work, because I know mistakes happen and it might not necessarily be a mistake, every child is a miracle and an important part of the world, but at the same time these things usually aren't planned and so it puts extra pressure on these girls when they would normally be worrying about their school work and what they're going to wear that day.

I just want everything to work out for this girl. I'm here for her if she needs help, and I hope that her parents are supportive of her and help her because it's only hurting her and her child more if they neglect her, even if she did make a mistake. As humans we are flawed and we all make mistakes, just some of them are bigger than others, but you can still take this endeavors and learn from them and grow as a person. I admire that she is being a strong girl and taking responsibility for her actions and not just shoving it off like it doesn't matter, but some girls are different in this situation.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it's sad to see girls fall into this trap if they had other plans and this happened to crop up on them. I worry about her and I want her to be O.K. through all of this. It'll definitely make her a stronger person. At least she has a good guy that is sticking by her. I worry, but I think it will turn out all right.

Firework

This is one of my favorite songs right now. Katy Perry has really caught my attention lately. I think this song is inspiring to everyone, especially the video, because everyone has something special to offer to this world, whether they think they do or not. We just forget to show ourselves off sometimes in fear of being hurt or embarrassed, but we need to show our colors off more and be the people we want to be.

This is a worry that I think encompasses everyone, that we don't let our true colors show, or we don't let our freak flag fly. I think in order to be happy we have to be the people we want to be. It does no good to pretend to be someone else, and if we really have a passion in our hearts to do something then we need to do it because it will end up eating us away in the end I think. We all have dreams in our hearts and we only live once, so why not go for it all? Let your hair down, be crazy, stick up for something you believe in, fight for the ones you love, make it count.

I'm not afraid to show who I am. I am a dork- I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, I'm a reading fanatic, I love school (which is something not a lot of people say), I love to run, I love energy and having it, I love rambling, I know just about every single line in the entire series of Gilmore Girls, and I working on getting over my embarrassment in a particular area of my life. I like who I am as a person and I hope others like themselves too. We all have a spark in us that people don't see. Don't be afraid. Live like you don't have another day. Be the person you want to be and show others. Hiding is keeping yourself from experiencing greatness.

Baby you're a firework

I worry about feeling embarrassed. Or rather I worry about being embarrassed about how I'm feeling.
I feel exposed and just down-right dumb.



It's embarrassing.

A little peak at me

 These are two of my best friends! I love them to death, and yes, we are doing a lame mirror shot, but sometimes you just have to even though it's cheesy. The one next to me, Amanda, goes to Central University and Roxy (also known as Roxanna, even though her name is Roxanne), next to Amanda, goes to Mott right now and is planning on going to MSU.

Amanda MF Fowler :)

 This is Nick Bouchard. He is one of the nicest guys I have hung around with in a while and super hilarious. He totally made the weekend a load of laughs, even while making fun of my voice (which let's face it, everyone did since it's obnoxious) . I really hope that Nick has a better week because things have not being going well for him at the moment. But I am thinking about him and wishing him the best. We all have some low points, but I'm here for him and I know he's there for me if i need him. Thanks for looking out for us this weekend.

 An attempt at another mirror shot for Saturday night, but I messed this up a little bit. But most of the time the pictures you mess up always have the best memories. Although, the hot green tea I'm holding in my hand did jack squat for my voice. I was hoping it would help, because hot vernors (ew) does, so I figured something else hot would do the same. Not quite. I'll remember that from this picture.

These are just two other pictures that I like. I had a fun weekend, but unfortunately some not so good things happened on Saturday night. I won't give the details, but I love my friends and I'm here for them when they need me. I hope everything turns out all right and a calm week will hopefully smooth some things out.

Good thing I can type

I'm worried and quite annoyed because I have no voice. I've had a sore throat all week and Thursday evening it decided to just disappear. Well it really needs to come back soon because it is terrible to have hardly any voice, and the sounds that I do make sound raspy and like a man. It's a hassle to even have a conversation with someone and then they make fun of me anyway and won't take me seriously.

I'm worried because I've been sick for a week and I don't seem to be getting all that better. I feel like it's something that's going to be sticking around for a little while because I still have to play soccer, go to school, and work. I'm trying to get as much sleep as I can, but I have so much to do right now. I feel like this is the busiest time of the semester for me, especially this weekend in general, and it doesn't help that two of my closest friends are back for the weekend from college and I don't see them often. I love that they're here, but I also have stuff I need to do =/

I hate not having a voice. I have to think twice as much about what I say because I can't ramble on an on like I usually do. I have to make every word count. I guess people might see this as a good thing since I'm not talking as much, but still, I can't hold a conversation so then they get mad. I can't win. I'm looking everywhere for my voice but I can't find it. I think I need to work a little harder on my detective skills because this is on case that needs to be cracked.

Media

I have a worry that the media has gotten away from its real purpose, to report the news to the citizens. Too much now we only hear fluffy topics geared towards what interests people the most so the company can make money. The media should be informing the public, not just telling them what they want to hear.

When people think of the media these days they automatically put up a wall and the first words to come out of their mouths are biased, money-hungry, advertising, etc, but they all have a negative connotation. It's no longer seen as an entity for the people, so that they receive proper information. I worry that the media will never go back to this. Growing up, I've always seen the media as having that job of relaying information to the people, or that's how I think that it's supposed to be. I wanted to be a journalist so I could tell the people things that they don't know, to uncover truths that are hidden in society.

It has gotten away from reporting on the things that are important to what will make money and keep the people happy. Telling the truth isn't always going to make people happy. You have to dig deep to get the real story, and that's what should be happening still, not just dancing around the subject without going further. I think the media has an obligation to the people to tell them things that they don't know, but it has gotten away from this. I don't blame people for seeing the media as something that we should be skeptical of. Will media be able to ever come back to the righteous, objective self that it's supposed to be? In our world of capitalism, probably not. Everyone is interested in making money and no one is there to truly serve the people. Why? Why can't we just care about doing the right thing and making a difference to people?

Hello Dean

 

This is a picture I took with my camera Dean of a lighthouse while I was up in Marquette. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a lot of pictures because it was extremely windy and cold on the water and my hands were numb. I'm not as into taking pictures of scenery, even though I always think nature looks pretty, I would just rather take pictures of people and capture their personality in a photo. So here's a picture I took in high school of Evan Thompson. 

He is an intense Republican and I feel like there are not a lot of high schoolers that are as dedicated as Evan was, especially enough to have a flag. I loved this picture and I like taking things more like this. Also, I like taking sports pictures. Sort of like this one:

 

I love taking rapid shot photos and getting one that you get in thesplit moment you have to get the shot. There was one picture I took of a kid playing soccer, and I got an unbelievable shot of him doing a bicycle kick, which is a rare occurrence in general, so I was excited that I got the photo. People make photos interesting. I wish that Flint was a bigger school and had more sporting events to get reaction shots from the students, fans, and players. That's more how like my high school was and there was always people to take pictures of. I just have to figure out how to do that now because that's really what I like to take pictures of the most. People have stories to tell, and sometimes it's the most inspiring to see that through a photograph. Pictures can hold more meaning than words can with the emotion that can be captured.

To run is to live

One thing I look forward to each day is running. I know people think I'm probably crazy, but there's nothing like the feeling of running, especially if you're outside with the wind rushing past you.
Running is my high; it makes me feel free and it's like nothing can touch me. I run to calm myself, to think, to feel in control, to feel everything just for a short period of time.

This weekend I was at Northern University to visit one of my best friends, and it was actually nice enough to run outside, so I did, because I honestly get restless if I don't sometimes. I ran for about 40 minutes through the town of Marquette and by the little shops to the water. I ran in the morning so the sun on the water was a spectacular sight. When I run I feel like I'm running towards something, but also running away from things at the same time. No matter what, a run always makes me feel better.

It's a time where I can just be my myself and focus on me. Plus, listening to music is always a good thing. I'm worried how I would be without running, or working out in general. Well, actually, I sort of know the answer to this question because it happened to me once before in my life when I had a breathing problem and I couldn't really run because there was no way to fix my shortness of breath. I took a long time off and I always felt heavy and bogged down. I just don't want that to happen again. It scares me to think of losing something that makes me feel so good for a change. It's something real. I feel the pavement under my feet, I feel the sweat slowly dripping from the brow of my forehead down my face, I feel the pain in my legs (but a good pain), I feel myself grasp for the air, I feel myself pushing to the limits, and it feels right, normal.
Let's just say I'm crazy for running... and I think it may just feel the same way for me :)

Road Trip

Worries on a road trip according to Roxy's father:
Death by tire blowing out some random guy killing us and burning us with gasoline so there is no evidence.
Serial killer knocking out our teeth so they can't identify the body.
Deer. Enough said. (And I know this can be dangerous because my friend has hit multiple deer and let's just say his car is a trooper. I love you Karen- Carlton misses you).
Running out of gas and not getting to the side of the road quick enough and a car smashing into the back of us since were slowing down and then running into the center divider. That one sounds fun.
Pulling up next to a car and a crazy zombie man with incredible jumping skills flies onto the hood of our car with a crow bar and.. Well I think you can probably see what comes next with a weapon like that.
Being abandoned in the middle of no where, since we are heading to Marquette, and being watched by the "hills." A bum would probably walk toward us from out of nowhere and do something creepy. I'm not going to specify this because there are plent of creepy things that could be done but I don't really want to actually think about them.
A less interesting death would be to lose control of our car because of ice or snowy roads, because unfortunately it is snowing :(

All I can say is I hope we make it there safely. Thank you to Mr. Nitsos for making us nervous on our what would have been exciting trip to go see our best friend at school.

Without You

One of my favorite singers is Keith Urban. Absolutely love him and his beautiful voice. His new CD comes out November 16th and "Without You" is one of his new songs. I love the sincerity in this song because it's nice to tell the important people in your life that their love means something to you.

I do believe that the people we love make our lives that much more meaningful. Things just don't mean the same when you don't have the people there to make it what it is. I'm thankful that I have the people in my life that make it worth it. And even though one person isn't here as much anymore, my life still means so much more than it did before.

Keith says that all that he does doesn't mean the same thing without you. I feel the same. Without you I never would be this person.
"Without you I'd survive, but I'd have to have the notion that I could live this life just going through the motions."

Sometimes a little love can give people the wings they need to carry them through life. Friendship and love gives people more strength than I think they realize it can. It's just knowing that someone cares about you that makes life worth living... it gives us a reason to wake up each day because we know we mean something in this world, even though we're less than a dot on a map.

I worry that people may not have this feeling enough. Like with Lauren's topic on bullying and suicide, love can do wonders if we just show it more. Stop the bullying and the fighting and try to care. It's what we all really want, to actually mean something. Love with your heart and appreciate the good things in life, the things we can't pay for, because those things usually mean the most.

I love you and I'd be nothing without you.

$8

I feel a tad pathetic. I was on "extremely low" for my gas gauge, so I needed to get some obviously. Well, I went in to prepay the cashier and I said, "$8 on pump 6." He looked at me like, did you just say $8? Sadly, that is all the money I have. It was funny actually because I was just shrugged my shoulders because I mean that's all I had to put in. It won't get me very far, but I needed it at the moment. I really feel like a college student right now when I have absolutely no money and I come home everyday to eat. I hardly turn on my heat so that I won't waste more gas than I have to. I think I should starting bringing a blanket in the car so that I won't be as cold. Good idea? Pretty sad, but sure, I guess it could work.What keeps me in good spirits is my music. I just blast the jam and rock out and it makes everything better.

That reminds me of another story. I was hardcore dancing in my car to sexy bitch, which is just a great song ;) and oh so true. Well I was stopped at a street light and didn't let  up on my dancing one bit. I looked over and the girl was laughing at me and I just kept on going. I was thinking, your laughing is not fazing me at all, I'm just going to go harder. So I did. It's little moments like that that make me smile and enjoy life. Have fun, look like an idiot, and keep going. This is meee.