Inside her brain

Video

2012-02-12T09:17:00.000-08:00

This is an interesting interview with V.S. Ramachandran on Charlie Rose. Check it out!

Autism and Mirror Neurons

2012-02-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

Before I get to the subject of autism, I first need to explain mirror neurons. From the name you can start to gather what these neurons are involved in: imitations, mimicking, and theory of mind (empathy/understanding other peoples feelings/actions). when we pick up a book for instance, certain neurons fire in our brain (motor cortex, etc.) Simple and straight to the point. This is expected. Well, we don't even have to directly be involved in this action to have these neurons fire. Just watching someone else pick up a book causes the same neurons to fire. These are mirror neurons. That is why when someone smiles we smile back without thinking about it. Mirror neurons allow us to imitate others and learn new skills from them. Growing up, we learn a lot of things by watching others - mirror neurons make this possible. One thing unique to humans is the theory of mind. Not only can we "look" into our own mind and try to understand why we do the things we do, we can also miraculously feel the pain of others, put ourselves in their shoes, and try to understand why they do things similar or different than us. We can do this with minimal conscious cognitive effort, but mirror neurons allow this functioning to take place that other animals are not capable of. As well as returning the niceties of a wave or smile, mirror neurons also fire when you see someone in pain. Now, if the same neurons are firing, why don't we feel the pain and only sympathize with what they are going through? Our brains take care of that for us. Our executive functioning skills tell ourselves that it is not happening to us and inhibit the brain from sending the message to our bodies saying that we're in pain. The visual feedback you get from your own body that you see is not hurt, inhibits the signal from actually experiencing pain. One other abstract area that mirror neurons are found to have a role in is understanding metaphors. This is derived from patients with left supramarginal gyrus damage who have apraxia - which is an inability to mime skilled voluntary actions. These patients also have a difficult time understanding action metaphors. This region also has mirror neurons, thus why this connection was made.

Now that you have got a sense of how mirror neurons operate, let me switch back to how this relates to autism.
For those who have autism, they experience difficulty with social skills and interacting with others. They have a hard time processing facial expressing and empathizing with others. Neuroscientists are learning towards a deficiency of mirror neurons as a part of the explanation of what abnormality is taking place in an autistic brain. Researchers have done tests that have supported this hypothesis. There was a study done using EEG (electroencephalography) which picks up brain waves from placing electrodes on the scalp. It is found that the mu wave is suppressed int he brain when you make a conscious movement. Similarly, the mu wave was found to also be suppressed when someone watches another person performing the same movement. When the EEG was done on a child with autism, they had the same suppression of the mu wave when they performed the movement themselves; however, the suppression did not occur normally normally when they were watching the other person. This study has been replicated and supported many times, increasing reliability of this hypothesis. A more recent study has found less connectivity between the visual cortex in the occipital lobe and the mirror neuron region in the prefrontal cortex in patients with autism using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging). Other research has tested the mirror neuron hypothesis with another form of testing using transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). TMS creates electrical signals in the brain, creating activity. Researchers stimulated the motor cortex (right before the central sulcus, separating the frontal lobe from the parietal lobe) and then recorded the electromuscular activation in the participants while they watch other people perform movements. Usually, when people watch someone perform movement such as squeezing a ball, the activation in the participant's same hand will go up. The same muscles they would use if they were actually squeezing the ball become "ready" as if they were going to do it. Sustaining the mirror neuron deficiency hypothesis, participants with autism had no increased activation in their muscles when watching other people's movements.

This is some interesting insight to what things in the brain are what neuroscientists think to be linked to autism. This obviously does not explain the reason why their brains are like this in the first place, but it is a step in the direction of finding out in the future. I will continue in a future post on more about mirror neurons and its likely role in autism, but for now this is enough to get you all started. And to reiterate from other posts, these are none of my own personal thoughts or research, I have gotten most of my information from the Tell-Tale Brain by V.S. Ramachandran, which I had mentioned in a previous post on phantom limbs. I'm not trying to say any of this information is my own, I just would like to share what I'm learning :)

Fun facts

2012-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

This isn't going to be a long post, but I just wanted to make a few quick points that you might not know about that is something interesting and possibly useful to know:

1. Being in sunlight increases serotonin in the brain. That is why we feel happier when the sun is out compared to when it's dark and rainy.
2. The brain size of someone who is overweight has four percent less volume than those not overweight (from BMI numbers) and looks eight years older. For those who are obese, the brain has eight times less volume and looks sixteen years older. Wow.
3. Someone with an extremely low BMI (such as someone with anorexia) also has a smaller brain than someone with a regular BMI.

BMI = body mass index
If you're interested in figuring out your BMI, you can go here. It's quick and easy!

4. The brain is 60 percent fat! Much of our gray matter, which are the dendrites and cell bodies in the brain, contain large portions of the omega-3 fatty acid DHA (or the more confusing docosahexaenoic acid. Neurons are rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which is why it is important to eat foods with healthy fats, or take a supplement.

For more tips on the health of your brain, check out the book The Amen Solution: The brain healthy way to get thinner, smarter, happier, by Daniel G. Amen.

Phantom Limbs

2012-01-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

Something I find fascinating and shows just how truly powerful our brain is compared to our body, is the issues associated with phantom limbs. Some people still have "feelings" where their arm or leg used to be. This does not seem possible because there is no longer anything there to have a feeling, so why does this happen?
There are different brain maps in the brain for different parts of the body. Say, for instance, when part of the arm is removed, there are no longer any nerves for that part of the body, and the brain map in the brain is no longer needed for that particular area. Instead of leaving an empty space in the brain for no activity, the brain wants to utilize any space it does have, so adjacent brain maps start to take over the free space. It is found that brain maps for the face are close to those of the arm, so the brain map for the face starts to infuse into the brain map for the part of the arm removed. Some people will feel an itch and they cannot scratch it because obviously their arm is not there. Well, if they scratch their cheek, they find that it alleviates their itch. Also, if a drop of water is falling down your cheek, it will feel like there is a drop of water going down the phantom arm as well. It's miraculous that you can still have feeling in a part of the body that is no longer there. But it's all in the brain.

There are some people who have paralysis in their phantom limb. Even though the limb is no longer there, they feel as if it is stuck and cannot move. Usually the reason for this is because before the limb was removed, it was in a sling or was not able to move, so the brain becomes accustomed to it. Plasticity makes it so your brain will learn that behavior and neurons have stopped firing to be able to move it, since it is so used to not moving. Well, once the limb has been removed, the brain doesn't automatically shift and say there is no longer a limb there so it is no longer paralyzed. Plasticity allows the brain to change, but it also accounts for us to form habits. The brain is so used to that arm being paralyzed, that it continues to be "stuck" in that way in the brain. A way to change this is through mirror visual feedback (MVF). This sounds crazy and doesn't seem like it would work, but there has been improvement for people with phantom limbs, and also stroke victims. What happens during this type of therapy, is a mirror is placed in a box, while the patient places his real arm in front of the mirror and the phantom arm behind the mirror. If the patient looks at the side of the mirror with his intact arm and moves it, it will appear as if his phantom arm is moving as well. The visual feedback provides feedback necessary for the brain to change and allow the phantom arm to move again because without the arm there, there is no negative feedback to the brain to tell it to stop firing the same way it has always been. So the learned paralysis carries over to the phantom limb because the brain doesn't know any better. Through mirror therapy, the brain "sees" the phantom limb moving, and so the brain can change to start firing again and "move" the limb, unlearning the paralysis it had before. The mirror re-teaches the brain and therefore reshapes it, and alleviates the pain or cramps suffered from the paralysis. It's amazing how our brain can function the same way as if there was still a limb there even though it's not. But it's also amazing, how something so simple as presenting a limb as "moving" even though it's not there can trick the brain into believing it can move again.

A lot of this information I gathered from The Tell-Tale Brain by V.S. Ramachandran. These ideas are not my own; I'm only relaying the information. Also, Ramachandran actually pioneered this type of mirror therapy, and is a highly esteemed neuroscientist and professor at the University of California, San Diego. His work is fascinating, so you should check out some of his books!

Filling in the blanks

2012-01-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

Something I find fascinating about the brain is how efficiently it can function and account for missing information. Take for instance vision and our blind spot. There is a sizable blind spot in the retina of your eye where there is an absence of photoreceptors. Well if there aren't any photoreceptors, why can we see things clearly without random things missing? One reason for that is we have two eyes, and the blind spots are in different, non-overlapping locations and can assist each other to get full coverage of the scene in front of you. Now that isn't really the interesting part. What is amazing is that when you close one eye so that you don't have help from your other eye, you obviously experience your blind spot at some point in time, but we never realize this because our brain "fills in" the missing piece to make a continuous coherent image. Crazy right? And don't believe me? Go here and try the test yourself (http://www.ophtasurf.com/en/blindspot.htm). It's freaky, but where an object once was, at a certain distance the object will be in your blind spot so you can no longer see it, but instead of there being an empty hole, the brain patches the hole with the background pattern, so we don't even realize when something is in our blind spot.

This to me sounds crazy because we're seeing something that we're not really seeing. But that is the truth about everything we "see." We don't see anything with our eyes, we see with our brain. Visual stimulation comes in through our eyes, but the brain takes that information and forms a picture for us. Ever wonder why our eyes deceive us? Our brain makes inferences about visual stimulation from previous experiences and knowledge, so it infers a lot of the things we see. If you ever see those sentences that say it twice in a row but you don't notice it, it's not because you're dumb or blind, your brain automatically files that out because it wants to make everything as coherent as possible. You just glaze over it and don't realize that it's there because it would interfere with the overall meaning. No need for the confusion, so just pretend like you didn't see it. Or take for instance sentences that have words with the letter jumbled up, but the first and last letters are the same. We are able to read them fine, with a little slower reaction time, but not much considering the letters are in different positions. The brain automatically gets rid of the clutter and confusion it sees. The brain is smarter than what we imagine. It does it without any conscious effort. Amazing, right?

BDNF and larger brains in autism

2011-12-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

Can you imagine being in a situation where there is so much stimulation, somewhere like your eyes, ears, or skin, that causes an overload of neurological impulses to the brain that makes you want to shut down? Sometimes we are in a place that has too much going on that we have to take a step back and regroup because it is clouding our brain with too much information. Well for some children with autism, this is a regular occurrence in normal activities. Now it has been shown that children who have autism having larger brains. When the brain is developing, children go through a pruning process that gets rid of unimportant dendrites in the brain so it frees up space for the important things to make more connections and become stronger. This pruning doesn't occur in this instance and there are many neurons with not as strong of connections between them.

During what people call the critical period of development, your brain is like a sponge, absorbing all new information easily. The specific nerve growth factor brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) is a chemical that plays a large role in reinforcing plastic change during the critical period. It also increases the speed of which electrical signals are being transmitted. BDNF turns on the nucleus basalis, which allows us to focus our attention and remember the stuff you are learning. Not only does it help you to learn new information easily, it also shuts down the critical period, because the brain needs some stability and isn't effortlessly plastic at all times. This is why we must be learning something that surprises us or particularly interests us or is important, because it activates the nucleus basalis which helps us to pay specific attention and store that information in our brain. Now back to autism, neuroplastician Michael Merzenich's theory of why there is no pruning and overstimulation and oversensitivity occurs is because of a premature release of BDNF. He thinks that there is a gene that predisposes children to have this premature release of the chemical that opens and closes the critical period, so that instead of important connections being reinforced, all connections are reinforced, which skips the pruning process, and since BDNF also closes the critical period, it closes earlier with many connections that are disconnected. This means that if say a child has sensitivity to auditory stimulation, if they hear one frequency, the whole auditory cortex starts firing because connections were never strengthened and therefore causes confusion in the brain when all neurons are firing at once.

So if a child has a melt down in a place that has a loud area, doesn't look you in the eye, or can't stand certain fabrics on your skin, they are not necessarily doing it on purpose. The brain is overexcited from the stimulation and cannot handle all of the stimulation at once. The brain is meant to strengthen connections that are important so we can use those repeatedly and the messages start to travel faster, which is why we end up having habits (good and bad) and can do things on autopilot (like drive to our house or place of work without consciously thinking about every turn), but when it is not allowed to strengthen the important ones and keep the unimportant ones weakened, the brain cannot differentiate and takes in all information because it thinks it's important. Remember this if you're ever around people with autism - everyone would become frustrated if their brain overly fired signals that made for chaos in the brain - so relax, and help them to relax too.

Stress

2011-11-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

While we know that stress isn't the greatest feeling in the world, there are more complications than it making you anxious. It effects your overall brain function if you are stressed over long periods of time. Don't get me wrong, there are good types of stress and bad types of stress, but short periods of stress can pump you up and make you feel ready for anything, while long periods of stress can cause cognitive impairment and make us age faster than what we want. When we become stressed the brain releases adrenaline and cortisol from the adrenal glands which helps pump us up and feel ready for battle. These hormones are also helpful in what most of you know as fight-or-flight response. Your body reacts naturally to stressful stimuli and gets your heart pumping, getting you ready to protect yourself.
There are a few ways in which chronic stress affects your overall health physically and mentally.

First, it harms your brain. It lowers your overall brain function and prematurely ages your brain. Higher cortisol levels directly effects the hippocampus, making it smaller and decreasing memory storage. Older adults with high cortisol levels have a 14% smaller hippocampus, which means they have a worse memory than older adults with normal cortisol levels. Not only does higher levels of cortisol negatively effect the hippocampus, it cause more cortisol to be released because the hippocampus is responsible for sending out signals to stop the production of cortisol when there is no longer a threat. Since there are not as many neurons in the smaller hippocampus, it can no longer send out the signal to discontinue cortisol, so greater amounts of cortisol are then released. Stress doesn't just make you feel uncomfortable or upset, it literally changes your brain for the worse, reducing your memory storage. Cortisol doesn't just affect the hippocampus, it also decreasing activity in the amydala, which is important for emotional balance, and the prefrontal cortex, important for planning. Overall, it reduces brain reserve which makes way for physical signs of stress as well.

Second, having chronic stress makes you age prematurely. Now, I don't know anyone who wants to look older than they really are (unless maybe they are a teenager, but as an adult, more wrinkles and looking ten years older than you really are isn't such a good thing), so managing your stress can help your skin to make you look and feel youthful. Stress has been found to be similar to the effects of smoking, being obese, or just looking ten years older than you actually are. The reason for this is because of telomeres, which are protective caps on the end of our chromosomes protecting our DNA. When telomeres become too short, DNA can be damaged in the replication process. Researches relate the length of telomeres to determine cell's age and how many more times it will duplicate. When they become too short they stop duplicating and cell senescence kicks in, which is basically what we see as aging. The longer the telomeres, the more protection there is for the chromosome. Telomeres naturally shorten over time, which we can all understand because we know that we all age as we get older, but stress can speed up this process. It is shown that women with higher levels of stress had shorter telmoeres, meaning premature aging. With aging, skin loses collagen and elastin (proteins that keep the skin wrinkle-free and tight). Stress cause both collagen and elastin to break down prematurely, causing wrinkles and sagging skin, as well as causing acne breakouts. This is not something most people want to have happen to them. Look at your life and the areas that cause you stress. There are ways to downplay the stress in your life and lead a calmer, happier, youthful life. I'll relay some of those ways at the end after displaying more ways stress is harmful to our bodies.

Third, chronic stress weakens our body's immune system which can make you sick more easily. Short-term stress boosts immunity because of the resilience and pumped up heart rate that you feel, but long-term stress starts to wear down your immune system and makes you more prone to getting sick or having a disease. Stress has been implicated in heart disease, hypertension, and even cancer. Not saying that stress makes you have those problems, but they can be a contributing factor, especially if you're already biologically prone to one. Anytime you weaken the immune system it is easier to contract a sickness and also makes it harder to get rid of it. I know that I just had a run in with this. During October when I was constantly stressed with school and work (and let me tell you I was very stressed and sleep-deprived) my immune system was weakened and as soon as stopped working the 20 hour weekends, I became sick like that and stayed that way for at least a week. My body was just entirely exhausted and if you are less stressed and get good sleep, even if you're exposed to someone who has a sickness, you have a better chance of not getting it or fighting it sooner if you do have it. I usually run every day, at least 20 minutes, if not up to 40, but I could not find the energy to run for about two weeks when I became sick. It was terrible, but there was nothing I could do except let my body recoup. Now I'm back to normal and I'm very grateful because it's terrible to not have energy and feel helpless all day long. I would much rather be able to manage my stress and feel calm and get good sleep so I remain healthy and thin, as I will talk about next.

Fourth, stress can make you gain weight, especially in your stomach. Stress, and the stress hormone cortisol, have been shown to increase appetite and cravings for sweets and carbohydrates, which make us fat because we can't just eat one. Studies have shown that stress causes people to turn away from healthy low-fat foods and eat more food than normal. People look for "comfort" foods when they are stressed to make them feel better because it gives them instant gratification, but that gratification wears off quickly, the sugar high bringing you back down, making your crave more. At least for me, I also know that this makes me feel shitty about myself because especially if I'm trying to eat healthy, it makes me feel like I'm not in control and overindulge on the stuff that I'm trying to stay away from. It also makes me gain weight which also makes me feel bad about myself, so why give in to the stress when it can have these bad effects on your body and brain when you don't want them to? This weight goes to your midsection, and that is not only something that makes us look worse, it is also bad for our health because having large amounts of fat in your abdomen surrounds vital organs that are associated with serious diseases, such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes. A study done at Georgetwon University Medical Center found that high stress with a high-fat, high-sugar diet leads to abdominal obesity in mice because of the neurotransmitter neuropeptide Y (NPY), which the brain releases NPY directly into the fatty tissue in your stomach. In the mice, the release of NPY from chronic stress increased abdominal growth by 50 percent in just two weeks. Stress not only makes you gain weight, it does it fast. Another reason why you end up packing on the pounds is because chronic stress usually is linked to a lack of sleep, just like I experienced. This also throws your appetite out of whack and you have less prefrontal activation which keeps you from picking healthier foods and turning to sweets and carbs instead. I remember eating a lot of sweets and I seemed to never feel full. I just always wanted to eat and eat even though I didn't want to, but I didn't feel like I could control myself. Once my stress started to go away and I started sleeping more, my eating habits started to become normalized because of my hormones regulating again.

Fifth, even though this doesn't effect everyone at this time, or maybe even ever, stress can make it difficult to conceive. Chronic stress causes hormonal changes that disrupt your reproductive function which makes you infertile. Stress hormones can clamp on the smooth muscle of the fallopian tubes that makes it difficult for the woman to get pregnant, as well as emotional stress damages sperm cells. So, whether you're a male or female, stress can be part of the problem why you can't conceive if you are trying to.

Sixth, stress activates the limbic system and drains your emotional well-being. Stress causes anxiety, depression, and even Alzheimer's disease (as shown from memory in the first example). Some people have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which could never go away. If you're constantly stressed you could start to become depressed from problems that I've already explained, because if stress is hindering your brain from functioning at its best and you're also gaining weight, this isn't generally a positive feeling for anyone. Depending on the person, they can become depressed because of all the anxiety and maybe a feeling of helplessness and giving up under such continual stressful situations. I think we can all think of a situation where we were so stressed to the point of wanting to give up or just getting to the point where we go over the edge of what we can handle. This effects the health of our brain and body where we might not realize it. If you are experiencing short-term stress, it can be an upper and be good for your body because it pumps you up and if you concur whatever stressful situation you're in, that makes you feel good. But constantly being in stressful situations wears your body and brain down, which also makes it more difficult for you to handle more stress, which will then make you feel more depressed because you can't combat all the stress that is being thrown at you. Chronic stress can overwhelm you and cause mental problems. Why would we want this?

Now I will look at some of the ways that you can combat stress. These ways are laid out in Change your Brain, Change your Body by Daniel Amen, where I also got a lot of the information from above, as well as my previous post. Like I said before, this book is extremely informational and it makes you aware of how things we don't normally think of affect our body, and keeping us from being the person we want to be.

Meditate or pray - meditating and praying both calm stress and enhance brain function. Meditating decreases activity in the left parietal lobes, which decreases awareness of space and time. It increases functioning in the prefrontal cortex, which helps to tune people in to their thoughts, feelings, and goals. It also increases activity in the right temporal lobe, which is an area that is associated with spirituality. Meditating helps you relax and get rid of all the stress that builds up in us over the days, weeks, months, everything. Most of us can relate to being on the run all the time, always having something to do at all times of the day, but this doesn't give our body any time to take a break and recuperate. What people need is to erase all the stresses from their mind for just 10 minutes a day and breathe. Meditating can make you lose track of outside spacial time, but it tunes you in. It increases your brain functioning and memory, which will help you out throughout the day paying attention and sticking to plans and schedules easier. It puts us in a place where we can let our worries dissipate. We all need a little time to relax, and it will make you feel calmer to combat the stress in your life as well as feeling rejuvenated. Also, people who pray or read the Bible every day are 40 percent less likely to suffer from hypertension that others. Spiritual coping strategies can help people to keep from becoming depressed and give in to the bad levels of stress that they may endure.
Take a yoga class - this is such a great way to relieve stress because it is all about calming your entire body and deep breathing. Focusing on breathing gets more oxygen to the brain and to the body and it calms your heart rate. This gives you a calming feeling over your body so you don't feel so hopped up on everything. It promotes mental calmness, self-awareness, and a focus on being in the present. Thinking too much about the past or too much about the future is not a good thing. If you dwell upon past experiences or regret things, it is not good to continue having those bad thoughts, get past them and move on because you can't change it. If you're thinking too much about the future you can stress out too much about what you're doing and that can get in the way of what you want to accomplish now in the present. Now, it is shown to be good to think about good past experiences that make you happy because it enhances brain function. So take a yoga class and live in the present.
Delegate - we pride ourselves on always being busy and having things to do, but it is better to be able to say no every once in a while. We don't need to do every single thing we're asked to do, we don't have to have every minute of the day planned with work, volunteer opportunities, etc, we have to say sometimes so that we have a little break. Most of the time we just say yes without actually processing the information, but take the time to think about it first and then decide if you should take part in an endeavor or not. We all need a break, so practice saying no thanks, maybe another time.
Practice gratitude - be grateful for the good things in your life. Simple right? Well a majority of the time we don't do this. Maybe once a year on Thanksgiving, or when you're going through a really tough time and someone is really helpful so you tell them you're grateful to have them in your life, but this is definitely not something that is practiced enough. "Appreciation meditation" makes the brain look very healthy compared to always thinking about the stresses or fears in your life. In a brain scan done on a woman after she thought about fears and stressful situations in her life, her cerebellum had completely shut down, which is involved in physical coordination. New research has also shown that the cerebellum is involved in processing speed and thought coordination. With there is low activation in the cerebellum, people are clumsier and less likely to think through problems. Thinking about your fears and stresses can make it so you don't work your way through them as well! Thinking too much about the bad things and not the good things makes it harder for you to combat the bad things, which makes it even worse. Think about the good things in your life! Also, the left temporal lobe especially became less active, which is involved in mood, memory, and temper control. With less activation, people have a negative mood, think dark thoughts or about violence, and are associated with depression. Being in a negative mood while trying to combat negative things makes it harder to do this and your threshold to giving in to bad thoughts is lower. If you are in a negative mood you are less likely to be in a positive mood and brush off the bad things and get past them. A negative mood breeds more negative things to happen because you allow yourself to process them as negative. Being positive keeps negative thoughts out and makes it harder for bad stuff in your life to effect you. It has also been shown that people who have a greater sense of well-being are more helpful to others. If you are more grateful for the things in your life, you will be more optimistic and feel better about yourself and you are more likely to help other people are you. Sounds like a win-win to me.
Get enough sleep! I think this one goes without saying since I've focused on this before. Sleep is essential to being less stressed and worn out.
Exercise - read my previous post if you'd like to know more about the effects of exercise on your brain and body. Exercise helps to alleviate stress and it boosts your mood.
Practice diaphragmatic breathing - when we breathe, we eliminate waste products such as carbon dioxide. When there is too much CO2 in our body, it can cause stressful feelings of disorientation and panic. Deep breathing gets the wastes out of the body and brings in more oxygen, which every part of your body needs to keep going, especially your brain. Brain cells start to die within four minutes when deprived of oxygen. Four minutes! That is a short amount of time before brain cells die. Oxygen is essential to keep your mind going strong. Diaphragmatic breathing calms the basal ganglia, which controls anxiety. It helps your brain run more efficiently, regulates your heartbeat, and relaxes your muscles. A lot of the time if we get anxious our heart rate starts to rise, but we can consciously change that with deep breathing because it forces your heart to not work as fast. This will start to help calm you down by using your brain power. Breathing is obviously important, but it is also very helpful in keeping you relaxed if you work at controlling it during anxiety-producing situations.
Listen to soothing music - listening to soothing music can bring peace to a stressful mind. On the other hand, listening to upbeat music can get your heart rate up and pump you up. If you're trying to calm down, don't listen to upbeat music. A slower rhythm can calm your body and heart rate down to match its rhythm.
Smell lavender - the smell of lavender has found to have calming, stress-relieving properties. It reduces cortisol and is involved in stress reduction.
Practice being in stressful situations - the more you combat a stressful situation, the less you will fear it and be more in control. Rehearsing or being in stressful situations where you are focusing on being calmer and not getting too worked up will reinforce your behavior and help you to combat those stressful situations the next time it arises.
Avoid substances that harm your brain - caffeine disrupts a natural process that keeps stress under control. Adenosine is a chemical that is released to reduce the body's response to stress, but caffeine actually prevents the release of adenosine, so stress is heightened instead of lowered. Caffeine increases stress hormone levels when people are stressed so it only makes stress worse, so it is definitely not something you should be consuming when you are stressed; it will only make it worse. Alcohol induces stress and lowers the blood flow to the brain, which decreases your ability to cope with stress. Most people drink to try to get away from their stresses, but it hinders your ability to deal with the stresses that you are trying to get away from.
Laugh - laughing counteracts stress and is good for the immune system! Something so simple as laughing that doesn't seem like it would have an affect on the body actually is good for you. It releases endorphins that make you feel better and also lowers the flow of dangerous hormones that suppress the immune system. Spend time with people who make you laugh because it will make you feel better and lower your stress level. This is an easy thing to do, so why not take advantage of it. Have some fun and laugh your stress away.

I hope some of this can help you become aware of your body and brain and see how something like stress can negatively affect you in ways you didn't think it could. If you want to keep your brain and your body healthy and youthful, learn to avoid or combat stressful situations and take more time to relax and calm your body down. We are always running around and not taking a few minutes out of our day to take a step back and slow down. It is essential to be able to let your body rejuvenate itself. Chronic stress doesn't make you feel good and it doesn't make your body and brain feel good, so do something about it and be aware of the situations around you that could cause stress and in turn harm to yourself. Be aware and alleviate your high levels of stress! (And sorry for the extremely long post)

Exercise and the brain

2011-11-15T18:27:00.001-08:00

I have always been a frequent exerciser my entire life. I can still remember the first time my dad made me get on the treadmill. I was complaining about the 7 minute run he was about to make me do, and he said, "You will increase by a minute each week until you reach 20 minutes." My mouth probably fell open because I thought it unfathomable that I would ever be able to run for 20 minutes straight. Now I exercise daily - and have had a few occurrences of exercising too much. I have found a love of exercising because it alleviates my stress and makes me feel good, as well as keeping my body in good shape. Recently I have learned a little more about the actual effects that exercise has on the brain and why it happens. Before, I sought exercise as a good escape, because here I would get the "runner's high." That feeling of euphoria made me want to go back for more, whereas a lot of people can't seem to discipline themselves to exercise regularly. All I knew is it made me feel better about myself, so obviously I wanted to keep doing it. Now I see more important aspects of working out that make it essential to keep physical activity in my daily routine to keep my brain young and healthy. Here are a few things about exercise you maybe didn't know before:

Physical exercise increases blood flow to the brain because it improves the ability of your heart to pump blood throughout the body. Pumping more blood results in more supplies of oxygen, glucose, and nutrients to the brain, which enhances overall functioning of the brain.
Exercising encourages the growth of new brain cells by boosting levels of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). BDNF is a chemical that is involved in neurogenesis - the growth of new brain cells.

So while exercising, you are making new brain cells that make you smarter! Not only are you doing something good for your body, your brain is growing and functioning is increasing.

Research on laboratory rats has shown that exercise generates new brain cells in the temporal lobes, involved in memory, and the prefrontal cortex, involved in planning and judgment (executive functioning).

As long as you keep up the physical activity, you will continue to stimulate these new cells which will keep them from dying off. If you don't continue to exercise, they will only survive about four weeks, so keep exercising!

Physical activity boosts memory by reducing stress. Stress causes your adrenal glands to produce excessive amounts of cortisol, the hormone associated with stress, which kills cells in the hippocampus, therefore impairing memory capacity. Increasing exercise will reduce cortisol levels which will result in better memory. Not only is this extremely helpful to you in life (school, work, etc.), but higher levels of cortisol have also been found in people with Alzheimer's disease, so exercising has other long-term benefits. Exercising also increases frontal lobe activation, which is especially important for older people because cognitive impairment starts. Physical activity keeps the brain engaged, which will keep it young. Increasing activation in the frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex helps you stay on task with goal-oriented endeavors (planning, scheduling, and inhibiting impulses). You will find that you are more focused and can stick to your plans better, whether that be with studying, keeping on a diet, sleep schedules, you name it. If you're finding difficulty inhibiting impulses, exercising can help activate the part of the brain dealing with executive functioning, so that will most likely increase your outlook on life and make your self-esteem go up.

Recently I've had a difficult time with scheduling and keeping to my schedule, as well as giving into impulses of eating desserts. I was working out excessively to make me feel better and burn the calories I was consuming. Also, the major part of this was my sleeping schedule. I was depriving myself of sleep from my job and working out and that reduces activation in the prefrontal cortex, so I had a very difficult time inhibiting my impulses and sticking to a schedule. This in turn made me feel worse about myself because I felt like I was losing control, when I'm usually good about staying focused. I caught up with my sleep and let my body recuperate, which helped me immensely. Now I hardly have a problem sticking to my plans. I'm more productive and I'm working out a healthy amount. If you're experiencing trouble with executive functioning, you might want to look at your sleeping pattern and make adjustments if necessary. Sleeping effects brain functioning more than you may realize. Getting adequate sleep each night will keep your brain attentive during the day so you can be productive and learn and remember the best. Also, writing down your goals for the day, week, and the future will help you monitor your progress.

Like I mentioned earlier, exercise enhanced my mood. This is because exercising allows for the amino acid L-tryptophan to enter the brain. The neurotransmitter serotonin is derived from L-tryptophan, which helps to balance your mood. Serotonin contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness, so increasing serotonin will make you feel happier. To give some perspective, low serotonin levels are found in people who are depressed, so increasing physical activity if you're experiencing feelings of depression can help a lot. I've also had experience with this and it helped me more than I can probably imagine. Working out was really the only enjoyable part of my day because it made me feel happier.
People who exercise more tend to get into less trouble because they are more happy and less impulsive. When you feel good about yourself, you're more likely to continue doing good things for yourself. This also goes along with exercising and eating better. Most people find that when they exercise they eat better, and when they're not, they tend to eat worse. Since you're doing good for your body and brain, you're more likely to continue doing good things. Also, if you find it difficult to stay with a diet without working out, it might help to start because of the increased activation in the prefrontal cortex. Following through on your dieting plans will be easier than if you don't exercise.
Going back to my earlier point about getting adequate sleep every night, exercising helps you sleep. Exercising normalizes the production of melatonin in your brain and improves your sleeping patterns. Getting a good amount of sleep is essential for your brain to work as efficiently as possible, so they work together in this sense. Doing one will get the other, and you need both, so you're killing two birds with one stone.

I hope this gives some interesting insight into how the brain benefits from exercise. I have been reading Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen, M.D., and this is where I received most of the information from. It's a great book and I recommend it to anyone. Here's the link if you would like to take a closer look at the book. Enjoy :)

We have a choice

2011-11-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

While choice theory isn't looking at the brain from a neurological aspect, it is still a psychological factor that all of us need to be aware of. In all parts of our life we seek power; power over our lives and others lives around us. We tend to look at what the world is doing to us instead of looking at ourselves and how we are letting things happen to us. Yes, there are definitely outside factors that give some people more opportunities than others, but if we constantly wait for the world to change for us, we are going to remain in the same spot throughout life, blaming our problems on others instead of taking the responsibility ourselves.
This book I'm reading couldn't have come at a better time for me (Choice Theory by William Glasser, M.D.). It's easy to be sad or feel down because of something that happened to us, but it's our own choice to how we react to it. If we continue to feel depressed about something that happened that we cannot control, it is by our own choice that we have remained to feel that way. No one else is making us feel sad for longer than we have to. People continue to dwell on the hard things and blame their sorrows on the ones who did the "bad" things to us, but we allow ourselves to continue being in that position.

We all have personal freedom and too many times we try to control other people or we get upset when we aren't able to. Why should we expect that we can have control of someone else when they don't want to be controlled themselves? There are two wrongs in that situation. The first wrong is the person wanting to control another person. The second and almost worse wrong is that person allowing them to do it (considering they let them). No one but yourself allows for things to affect us the way they do. If something bad happens, we have the personal freedom to say that we are not going to let it dictate our lives, that we can think for ourselves and accept others the way they are.

Relationships in general are difficult to maintain because we try to control the other person, even if it's in a small way. This creates a problem because everyone is free to be their own person, not living under the power of anyone else. It is easy to let someone else try to make us into something else, but it shows true strength when we decide that everyone is their own person and we can't change them. And why would you want to? Everyone is unique and that's what makes them special. You can't expect to change anyone, and you shouldn't. Expect only to change yourself, because that is ultimately your choice, and yours alone. If you blame all your problems on something or somebody else, you're only displacing the problem which won't. Change comes from personal choice, with which we have to stand strong and take responsibility over that and let everyone take responsibility for theirs too.

I'm taking responsibility of my life and my actions. I see that it is ultimately my decision how I feel and I allow how things affect me. Before I saw it as things being done to me, but people aren't going to change, so I have to change how I react to circumstances if I want to remain psychologically healthy and strong on my fight through life. The one thing I have control over is myself, so I'm going to use that power to create a better environment for myself. There's no use trying to force others to be different than what they are. If we start to accept people for what they are, relationships will be easier to maintain. I'm starting to see power in my own eyes, so I'm going to embrace it and make the best for myself. That's my choice and I'm sticking to it.

Defense mechanisms and memory

2011-10-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

One thing that has interested me lately is the idea of memory; working memory and long-term memory. The main point that is pretty clear is association of new experiences with prior knowledge or prior experience yields stronger memory storage and for later retrieval. Rehearsal memory (repetition) also works, but bring in a new idea that corresponds with something already in your long-term memory is more likely to stick, and for longer periods of time.

Now dealing with memory and traumatic events, some people develop defense mechanisms and repress the memories they had associated with them. Everyone deals with situations such as these differently, and it takes a while for us to stop thinking about that event in our life, but over time it becomes easier for us to "forget" about it. Now just because we repress a memory doesn't mean we're going to ever absolutely forget about it. At first, it may be difficult to remember details about it when we try to think about it, but if we give ourselves a little time a lot of the information we forgot seems to reveal itself once more. Spontaneous recovery is also something that could happen where all a sudden something reminds you of the traumatic event and it comes back in your memory like it was just yesterday that you were thinking of it.

The spooky thing is that we think we have gotten past, or forgotten these events, but what I'm thinking is that the more traumatic the event, the stronger the connections will be in the brain to remembering it, so that it actually makes it more difficult for us to ever run away from our memory. Yes, it may not be in consciousness every day like it would have been right after the event, but it is still there, just below the surface waiting to spring to life once more. The brain is an intricate system with trillions of neurons, which allows for billions of connections and 10^50 unique associations. Now, also considering connectionist theory, knowledge is just not just stored in one node, it is spread out throughout multiple connections throughout the brain, which to me makes it seem like it would be impossible to forget something so important in ones life. The harder we try to forget, we also reinforce the idea of that event more than what we want to, possibly making the connection even stronger. There does come a point when it starts to appear as if it's forgotten, but personally, I know that something can spring on you when you least expect it.

Another thing I am considering, but not quite sure of, is that maybe as time passes, the mental block we had in our brain starts to diminish slightly, so even though we haven't thought of a traumatic event in years, it might become easier to remember spontaneously because we're not so worried about repressing it. There comes a time when we move on and stop consciously repressing the memory, but that doesn't mean that it's forgotten or will be forgotten forever. Even though you are not increasing the connection every day, it still probably has a strong connection because it was such an influential part of your life in some way and it is distributed throughout your brain, not in one node that can be ride of right away and for good.

I haven't thought about this certain event in a few years and it came to me like I had been thinking about it often throughout this entire time. It's amazing how associations can have such an impact on memory. Now, the deciding factor is to either repress that memory again or realize that it is a part of your history and makes up who you are and will make you stronger as a person. It's hard, but I vote for the second one in this given circumstance for me. For a time I did believe that I had forgotten, and there was a time that the memories seemed hazy to me, but man was I in for a rude awakening. Everything in our life cannot be erased, it is embedded in us in some way, and embracing it is better than trying to pretend like it never existed. Yes, it might be permanently in your brain, but you can choose how you want it to effect you. We are in control of our emotions and how they affect our lives, so running away from our past is not going to help us any in the future. We are who we are, and even repression and denial cannot change our past, but our attitude about our past can help change our future.

(Some of these ideas were sparked from an article I read: http://libproxy.umflint.edu:2060/pqdweb?index=0&did=1179162911&SrchMode=2&sid=6&Fmt=6&VInst=PROD&VType=PQD&RQT=309&VName=PQD&TS=1318476212&clientId=16043)

Lying: good or bad?

2011-10-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

All throughout life we are told that lying is bad. Parents drive into us to tell the truth. Strangely, against our preconceived notions about lying being bad, lying actually makes the brain work harder and makes more connections in the brain than truth does. From research done with scanning the prefrontal cortex, there is more white matter (connective tissue that carry electrical signals to other groups of neurons over long distances) in the people who lie versus those who tell the truth. Basically, the thought process is this - people who lie are making more connections among previously unconnected things. Lying requires the brain to make more connections because people come up with intricate stories so that they won't get caught, whereas telling the truth is much easier on the brain since you aren't making anything up. With this reasoning, it almost seems like lying would be a good thing because making connections to things where you normally wouldn't is influential in being creative. There are other factors that go into creativity, but that is a major part of the process because creativity is about making connections where people don't see it initially. Being creative requires thinking outside of the box and being open to all different contributions, which is interesting. I wonder if people who lie a lot are more creative than other people just because they can think of multiple scenarios and come up with crazy schemes. In this sense, is lying bad? It is socially constructed and inforced that lying is bad, but when you look at it from this point of view, it has some good qualities as well.

One thing that is interesting is that fMRI's could possibly be used as a means of a lie detector test in the future. According to an article, there might be areas involved in truth telling and areas involved in deception that can be seen on from fMRI. From Dr. Scott Faro's, director of the Functional Brain Imaging Center at Temple State University School of Medicine in Philadelphia, research, four areas of the brain are activated during truth telling compared to seven areas being activated during lying. However, they did not try asking the people in the study to try deceiving the test, so they are not sure if that will have an affect on the scan, but it is still an interesting starting point for possible lie-detecting technology to come.

Freud's egos

2011-10-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

In Freud's view on psychoanalytic theory of personality, our personality is composed of three elements : the id, ego, and superego. Most everyone is familiar with this concept, but the id is the impulse in us. The id doesn't necessarily think about consequences, just about its desires and getting them. The ego is the part of us that deals with reality, and balances between the impulses and the superego (conscience; right and wrong/moral standards). There are many examples where we battle between our desires, but we scale back because our "reality" kicks in to let us make rational decisions. To me, I find it interesting that at some times we can know what we should do, but instead we do something different. Why is that?

And then when does the turning point come in our mind where we finally decide to listen to ourselves instead of act on our desires? Is it a sign of weakness that we follow our desire first before learning that we should have listened to ourselves in the first place and avoided the situation? The mind is mysterious, especially when emotions become involved. It's like emotions have a mind of their own and they start to take over us even when we know it's not for the best. Why do we let ourselves get wrapped into someone or something and find it so hard to let go?

It's like our id is trying to deceive our ego by using defense mechanisms to "trick" it into letting it do what it wants. And we can only fool ourselves for so long until we can come to terms with the reality of the matter that the ego was telling you all along. It's like having the devil and angel on your shoulder, both telling you opposite things to do and you don't know which one to follow. But there seems to be a turning point where reality takes over the desire and you see the situation for what it truly is. It doesn't make it any easier, but in your head you seem to know when it's finally right to make the good decision. But why can't we make this decision sooner to save ourselves from more hurt? I'm sure this is nothing we can do about it because sometimes our emotions do take the lead and silence the ego for a little while, trying to not come to the realization that you don't want. The id tries so hard to prove it wrong, but usually it just goes right back to where you knew you would end up from the beginning. It's hard to go through the process, but there are times when you just can't seem to go with the right thing to do until you've experienced it. Experience gives us reassurance in the future though so that hopefully we won't make the same mistakes again. A lot of the time we end up falling into the same situations as we did before... but if we really want to change it, we can. It just take the will power of the mind to do it.

The musician in us

2011-09-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

Music is something that almost everyone is involved in in some way. There is hardly anyone who doesn't listen to music on a daily basis because it is all around us and it we listen to it to reflect our mood, to pump us up or slow down, to express our feelings, etc. What is interesting is I found an article about musical therapy (which I had not realized was actually something out there). Musical therapy is being used with patients that have Alzheimer's, which does not reverse the disease, but it helps to ease the patients. Alzheimer's patients have been found to respond to music when they respond to nothing else, according to Suzanne Hanser, head of musical therapy at Berklee College of Music in Boston. Music not only helps to ease the patients but it is a way we build memories. As many of you can probably relate, I know there are dozens of songs that remind me of a specific memory, as well as some songs that I cannot listen to because of those memories.

Music is a powerful tool that can help us to communicate with others and build relationships. It can help us through difficult times because we can relate to the lyrics and we don't feel as alone because someone else has been in our shoes. Having a common interest in music can build relationships and make bonds stronger between people. One mother, Tamera Norris, wrote about her autistic son's experience with music. At age 16, Tamera's son William started in a musical therapy program and as well as learning how to play instruments, he learned how to interact with others in a non-threatening environment. He learned leadership, socially accepted concepts, how to express himself, and how to communicate with others. While William had always been socially out of the mix, music led him into a world where he felt safe and extended his social circle. The mother is extremely grateful for how music has helped him, and music for anyone can do that as well.

Personally, my brother and I have not been super close from our teenage years and up, but we have found similar interests in music that have helped to bring us closer. It first started with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. We were able to come together through our liking of them, not only talking with each other more about songs, but also spending time together going to concerts and sharing memories. CSNY will always remind me of my brother and it was a good way for us to come together when we didn't have much else to grasp on to.
Other than just building a relationship, music has served many purposes in my life. Music helps to express my feelings at a time when I feel like I don't know how. It lets me feel connected to someone else who has shared a similar experience to the one I did and it helps to know that I'm not the only one. Music helps to relieve my stress when I need to let go and be a little crazy. It gets me dancing and that in turn makes me happy. Having a little help from music can inspire me to do something or give me the energy I need to accomplish something.

Music is therapy for those who compose it and also for those who just listen because when you can relate to a song so well it almost feels like that song was written for you. Music is there when you need to grieve, when you need to be happy, on a sunny day, and on a cloudy day. I have never had music disappoint me because there is such variety that you can get whatever you need, and there is always more coming out.

It doesn't seem like music could make such a big influence on our lives but it is something we can turn to in times of need. Music helps soothe us and clear our head as well as inspire us to be creative. Different music can effect individuals differently, but music as a whole can be used as a way to keep us healthy. There have also been studies done about music and its effect on child birth, relaxing the baby and the mother. For more information on music therapy you can look at the extensive information on musictherapy.org which is the American Music Therapy Association's website.

Now wouldn't that just be amazing if they found a way to make the stages of Alzheimer's slow down through the process of memory through music? Since Alzheimer's is partly when neurons break connections with other neurons, such as in the hippocampus which causes memory-loss, if there was a way to strengthen these connections instead of allowing them to break apart it could possibly slow the process down. Now I don't know that much about Alzheimer's, but that would be truly fascinating if you could find a way to build the connections that are starting to break apart before it becomes too late. Maybe in the future we could will start to see progress in this field. And if music therapy can help with memory, it might be an even greater contribution than just soothing the patients. Who knows..

So I would like to explain now a little bit more of how music actually effects the brain in a neuroscientific manner:

Music can aid in production of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which is a chemical released that makes us happy. If we are listening to music that makes us happy, we will release tension and stress.
Music can affect the hormone system- helps with concentration and breathing rate
Can affect both the right and left hemisphere at the same time (the right hemisphere through hearing and the left if you are playing an instrument or reading the music)
Melody and rhythm aid in organization and abilities (melody stimulates thoughts and solutions, and rhythm helps the body rhythm synchronize so that we create the proper mood for creativity and cognitive skills). They act together to open auditory and sensory channels
Strong beats cause the brain to go to the same rhythm, while slow beats calm brain waves. Rhythmic therapy in the elderly helps to increase the blood flow and increase cognitive functioning
Aids in memorization

https://notes.utk.edu/Bio/greenberg.../Goss&TullosPresentation.ppt

Interaction

2011-09-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

To go along with my previous post, something else caught my attention while in class. Not only focusing your attention on a certain task or subject while help to increase ability to remember it, but also becoming more engaged with the material at hand will strengthen the memory. What I mean by this is writing down additional information that makes for a two-way street. You encode the information, retrieve it, and send it back out, in your own interpretation. Or, asking questions to show that you are taking in the information but you need a little clarification to solidify the information.

My English teachers always used to say to write in the margins of books. It didn't have to be something extremely deep, but it would engage you in the reading so that you could remember and understand easier. Even writing down something it reminds you of is good because you are associating new information with old information. Interacting with what you read or hear will help the message sink in so that you can remember it for later. Sensory memory is very brief and is prior to conscious awareness, but working memory requires repetition and mental awareness in order to become long-term memory. By interacting with the information, you are already repeating the encoding of the message which increases the chances of you remembering it later.

Where my teacher said today that people say cramming before a test is bad. Well, that is both true and false depending on the way you look at it. If you are looking to keep the information in storage to remember it later, cramming is not a good idea because it is only fresh on the mind. So cramming can be good right before a test because that information is easily accessible right away, but will be forgotten easily. Repetition of the information over a longer period of time is the key way to ensure that it is stored in your long-term memory. Using simple techniques such as being involved during class can lead to better memory right from the beginning, instead of hardly taking in what the teacher is saying, and only cramming the night before the test. The first might seem more tedious and time-consuming, but in the long run it will be more beneficial to you and your brain. Anyway for me, cramming will make me more anxious about the upcoming test and will decrease my chances of doing well in that respect, so I'm learning to become more "friendly" to open interaction with my studying.

Absorbing new information

2011-09-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

One thing that most people find perplexing is the ability of children to absorb so much new information, but as you get older you find it more difficult to take in new situations or new information, or to work it into your permanent memory. People wonder why it's so easy for children to grasp onto a foreign language, while it becomes increasingly harder for adults to speak it fluently. Why are kids so special in that they can absorb this information easier?

As I have read in The Brain that Changes Itself (Normal Doige, M.D.), brain-derived neurotrophic factors, BDNF, play a crucial role in plastic change and reinforcing it so that memories are stored. BDNF if released when we are in a certain activity that requires our neurons to fire together (neurons that fire together wire together...) This makes the connection stronger between the firing neurons and helps them to fire together in the future. "BDNF also promotes the growth of the thin fatty coat around every neuron that speeds up the transmission of electrical signals," (80). They key part of BDNF is that it turns on the nucleus basalis, which is the part of our brain that allows us to focus our attention on a certain thing or experience. Focusing our attention also helps us to remember the information better. During the critical period when we are younger, there is much room for growth because almost every experience is a new experience that information is stored upon. At some point, however, the brain needs to some stability and BDNF helps to close down the critical period when it is done helping to create such connections.

In the critical period we don't know what information is going to be important so we take as much of it as we can in. Once we continue to grow, we learn to decide what is important to let in and what is not, so it becomes harder for us to immediately see something or learn something and remember it because we already have the connections and this critical period for expansion is closed. One thing I can see for sure is that it really is true that one you focus your attention on something, your ability to remember that information increases immensely. I have recently switched my major to cognitive psychology, and while I did enjoy going to school before, I now feel a sense of such excitement to learn about these new concepts that I find I'm more attentive in class and taking in more information as well. I have always found it not in my strong suit to be good at memorizing, but lately in my biology and psychology classes, I have found myself remembering more information that I wouldn't have been able to before. I had been afraid of the expanse systems of learning parts of the body because there is so much to learn and I didn't feel capable to do that. Every day I go into class and I focus all of my attention on that subject matter and I walk away with more information than I came in with.

For me, since I have since found a passion for the brain and its ability to change, it's like I'm a kid again because there is so much new information that I need to take in that is exciting to me, so my attention is focused and I am remembering more. If I went into a class that I had no interest in, it would make learning and remembering so much more difficult because the brain is not activated enough for the neurons to connect to one another and make lasting connections with one another. When you think about it, as we grow up we tend to do many more things on autopilot because we do the same things over and over again. Obviously we're not going to be open to learning new things because we get into a sort of rut. We have to open our mind and shift our attention to important things if we expect them to stick with us. We did have it easier as a child because this naturally occurs, but now it is not impossible, it just takes work. Learning and remembering was crucial as a child, so now we have to create that spark again for ourselves. It's not always easy, but the hard work will pay off.

New and Improved

2011-09-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

So I know this used to be my blog on my life as a college student... Well it's changing. I'm going to be posting information about our brain and different research articles there are on neuroscience and its affects on me or people in general. It will be a tool to keep me learning, as well as others to learn and to involve in discussion if you wish. I think that the brain is a powerful tool we have that most people don't realize we can manipulate in some ways if we really want to change it. Connections are constantly being made and learning about these connections and pathways can help us understand ourselves better and help to encourage growth in our lives. For me, I constantly am driven to trying to understand myself more because then I feel less insecure with who I am by covering up stuff, but being open with myself so that I can learn to change habits or problems that I have that I would like to change. Even if you don't want to try changing anything, it's remarkable the new advancements they are making right now in this field, so any new knowledge doesn't hurt. Plus, your brain will be changing and making new connections every time you do.

Dance

2011-03-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

Every time I go to Archies in Davison I drive past my old dance studio. I think about it each time I'm out there and it makes me want to go back. I used to love to dance. I started dancing at age 4 and stopped after 6th grade. I always juggled soccer and dance, and I started playing on two travel soccer teams which meant giving up dance. I did it because soccer is more important to me, and I don't ever regret my decision, but right now I wish I could go back. I know I could, but honestly since I haven't danced in so long I think I would be behind and not make the group. I know I'd be able to do just fine in tap, since that was my strongest area anyway, but doing turns in ballet and toe would be my weakness, and I would need all skills to be able to do this. Plus the fact that I'm way too busy for hardly anything is also a problem. I know that I won't be going back to dancing, but sometimes I wish I could. I miss the studio and its strange beauty, where the floors have been worn down by many years of hard work from many dancers. I have a lot of memories from dance and I used to be good. I'm definitely glad that I did it so long when I was younger. And I would love to perform on stage again. There is something about the excited nervousness of opening night and making your way on stage, the lights so bright on your face, and the constant repetition of steps going on in your head. I remember before recitals or competitions I would practice my steps while sitting at my desk in class. It was natural for me. I would just go over them so much and it was almost something I couldn't stop. Tonight my desire to dance will have to be met by watching Step Up.

2011-03-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

I went in to talk to a counselor the other day to figure out my class schedule and looking at the requirements for me to graduate, and I found out that I can graduate next May. Next May. I'm still having trouble comprehending it. It seems like it is coming up so soon already and it is a little scary. I know it's a year away, but that just seems so much sooner than I ever realized. I will be graduating a year early and then what? Do I stay in Flint and go for a masters? Do I try going to law school? What do I do? I know I have a year to figure this out... but if I want to go to law school right out of graduating from Flint then that would mean I would need to start preparing and looking at schools to go to and getting ready to take the LSAT in the fall. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I guess another possibility is to go for my masters in something to do with public administration maybe, then if I want to go to law school after I could do that. But I don't know if I want to stay in Flint or not. It just seems like there is a lot to think about right now and I don't know what to do exactly.

The Office Wedding

2011-03-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

This kind of makes my life. No lie.

Marquette

2011-03-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of me taking pictures in Marquette. I would love to go back this summer because it's so beautiful up there and it would be so much nicer to go when it's warm instead of in November. Even though it seems to be in the middle of nowhere, it's in a good way. The town was so cute and homey and then the water was breath-tacking (especially when i went for a morning run, nothing better). And there are tons of rocks. It's fun to go on mini-adventures and I hope I can do it again sometime.

School/life/future/ahhandexcitement

2011-03-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

So this is a blog about the future. Coming up at the end of my sophomore year, I keep thinking about how these two years have gone by so fast and how the next will as well. And the thing about this is that I will be graduating early... so I don't even have two years to go in my undergraduate degree. I will be turning 20 in less than a month and that's even weird to think about. I will no longer be a teenager. I will be graduating before I'm 22, which is scary. And I'll be moving out in the fall. It seems as if I'm growing up. Not that I haven't been grown up, my dad has always said I've been mature for my age (although that doesn't mean I can't have fun and be silly), but it's like reality is hitting me and soon it will be my turn to take on the world, get a job, and start to build my own life.

I still don't know exactly what I want to do yet, but weirdly I'm not super worried about it. I have a feeling that it will come into place. I like that things are wide open right now and that I'm exploring a few different avenues. I'm planning on going for my masters no matter what, so that also buys me some time before I'm cut off from the security of school. It's kind of exciting to have possibilities of what I can do. I like the place I'm at right now, and I know things will come to change, but I believe that there will be good changes. Not all change is bad, and sometimes we need to embrace it.

One thing I would honestly love to do is just be able to read more. I feel so caught up in reading for school that it's difficult to find time to read on my own, even if there is a bit of time, I'm a tad worn out from the class reading. It's not necessarily that I would like to read just fictional novels, I would like to read history books and philosophy books, anything like that. Sometimes I think that would be amazing because I could learn so much information that I feel like I don't learn in school because there are only certain classes that I can take and there's only so much you can do. I have a full load right now and during the summer I work and go to school so there is really no free time there either.

I know I wrote about this before, but I still need to get on it: my photography. I'm hoping when summer comes around I'll be able to do more things and go outside with my friends and experiment in photo shoots, but I'd love to start taking pictures again. I have the camera I spent all of my money on, but I just don't have the time to really do much with it. I have some ideas for things I would like to do but I haven't had the chance yet. These are just some things I've been thinking of lately I guess... Too many things, so little time.

2011-03-12T15:53:00.000-08:00

"He had come back into her life like a sudden flame, blazing, and streaming into her heart. "

The worries of a college student...

2011-03-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

When I first started this blog it was for the purpose of a class and it was about my worries as a college student. Whereas I do believe that we have many things to worry about, I don't think that these worries should keep anyone from remembering to live. When I look back at some of the stuff I wrote before I know there were things that I was going through, and there still are, just different things. There are always going to be things that we worry about, but we can't let that get in our way from finding the light and trying to find something that makes us happy. Worrying is good to some extent, because if we didn't worry, then we wouldn't work as hard or care about things, but worrying too much can hinder our motivation and determination to do things. It's like stress. Stress can be a good thing because it makes us push harder to accomplish something, but having too much stress can wear you down.

That's what I've learned, not to focus too much on worrying. It's not good to always be worrying about things because your mind can never relax and be free. I think, though, that everyone needs to go through a difficult time in their life to see that there are challenges that we need to overcome, otherwise you won't appreciate life for the good things it does give you. There are always going to be people going against you, as well as those who go along with you and support you, but it's how you take in the criticisms and praises that determines the outcome. It is not as smart to just go by the criticisms or just the praises. Like with Aristotle's Golden mean, the desired outcome is between two extremes, which means you are weighing the options and considering the two extremes that you could be and go somewhere in the middle. Now, more than ever, I've faced people on one side and some on the other of many things in my life spanning from my schooling and job choices to my relationships with certain people. I'm learning to take those people into consideration, but not to console solely with either, to make a intelligent decision somewhere in-between. Before I used to worry too much and live more through my worrying. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live first, and worry second.

What a beautiful day

2011-03-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

Don't let life get you down
Things come and things go
There will be things that try
to stand in your way
But that's the way we grow
We need something to push
us to our limits and beyond
We are all something special
We all find something that
inspires us and gives us
our niche in the world
There are people we find
along the way that we
don't want to give up
As well as those we leave
along the road that will
be a memory in the past
Never forget that we
only live once
Dance in the rain
Go for your dreams
Be different, be amazing
Don't let anyone change
your mind if it's not something
you want to do
You're the beat to your
own drum, don't forget
I'm my own person
Making my own decisions
Doing what's best for me
Don't settle, go for it

What a beautiful day
The weather doesn't have to be the only thing to make a day beautiful

2011-03-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.
William Shakespeare

I'm usually the one that says I have no regrets, but I've come to wish I had never done something. I think the reason why I feel so badly about it is because I feel disappointed in myself. I hate thinking about it because I don't know why I did it. It meant nothing to me and it only drew my thoughts closer to you... and now because I hurt you in some way, I feel even more guilty. I know I can't ever take it back and to me it doesn't ever feel like it happened, but no matter how I feel, you will always see things differently, and I understand that. I'm still bothered about things that you've done too, but I try to set it aside because there's nothing I can do about it and I don't want it to come between us now. It just bothers us to talk bout it and I want you to know that it's all in the past. I know this doesn't really change anything, but everything is done I never want it to be again. You have always been on my mind no matter how hard I tried to forget. I really did try, but just being in that situation made it worse. No matter what I tried to do, I think I realized afterward that it wouldn't help me forget you, because I never will. I'm sorry that it happened and I feel bad every time you mention it. Nothing good came out of it - except that it only made me want you back more. I never stopped loving you... that's why nothing was ever the same. You are unlike anyone else and I love that. No one is perfect and clearly I'm not. I hope someday you can forgive me. I'm so happy right now and this feeling with you is something I can't recreate with anyone else. I know I did something wrong and I'm just sorry that I let it happen.

I'm glad I'm here now though... I can't help where I've been, but I can help where I'm going.

Hey hey, what'd you say
You've been looking good today
Let's go around town and tell those guys that I'm taken

Smile like you mean it

2011-03-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

And to go along with my last post, this is a picture that makes me smile. Colored vampire teeth are awesome! This was taken over the summer at huckleberry junction, so if you're looking for a good time, go there and play deal or no deal!

But sometimes I think we take for granted the things that make us smile until we lose it. We should always try and appreciate everything for what it's worth to us and tell those people how we feel. It's important and everyone likes to know that they make a difference in your life. Plus, smiling is fun, you don't want to lose that. Because once you have nothing to smile about, life starts to not have as many meaningful memories and good things to look back on and look forward to. Try not to look past the little things. Sometimes something as small as colored vampire teeth with someone can be just the thing to make you smile on a bad day. Just saying..

Smile

2011-03-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

I've come to a realization. I write more when things are not going well in my life. If I'm upset, if I'm sad, if I'm depressed, you name it. I need a way to vent my feelings and I find that I can say what I feel more through words on paper or through here rather than telling someone. And that's just my point here. I haven't been writing as much lately. When I'm not as happy I'm usually at home, sitting around with nothing else to do but write about what's going on in my head, but right now... I am happy.
I'm busy doing stuff almost all hours of the day and having a great time, no longer needing to fill that void by writing out my sad emotions. I find myself living more in the present, out in the actual world, instead of through my pen and paper. I just need to remember to get back to writing more often about other things. It's so easy to ramble on and on when you're feeling angst, but now I don't have that aching to write as much since I don't have those feelings. And even though the mood of this sounds not as positive, it's most definitely a good thing. I'm just stating that I don't find myself writing on here as much because I used to have a lot more to write about when I was upset about things, but now I'm just happy, and I just want to live in the moment. I want to share my feelings, but also keep them inside some because they're kind of like my own little secret. Some things are too private and special to share with everyone. My happiness doesn't require writing to get my feelings out. People can tell from my mood that I'm happy and it's like stepping into some fresh air. I'm glad things are going well for me and I don't want to ruin it. I'm going to try writing more often though from now on. There are many other things for me to write about in the world, so I'll get on that as soon as I can.
And seeing as I love posting music.. for my mood here is the song and it makes me smile because sometimes you make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee... :)

debbiedoesraw.blogspot.com

Love Like This

2011-02-27T18:43:00.000-08:00

My friend told me about this band and I really enjoy this song... check it out

2011-02-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

2011-02-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

Ke$ha Concert!

I had a ton of fun :)

Sick

2011-02-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

Ugh, being sick really is not all that fun.Especially on the weekend. At least I'm not missing class, but I'm still missing the select amount of time free from school.
I get to lay on the couch and watch tv all day.. but it gets boring after a while. My body wants to do something but it doesn't have the energy. I feel a helpless and I hate this feeling. I want to be vibrant an vivacious but I can't. Other than that though, I'm doing very well. Spring break starts after this week of classes so that's something to look forward to.

Ahh, the screen is too bright.

2011-02-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

:) I just feel like smiling.

V-Day.. sounds like D-Day

2011-02-14T08:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

So today is a somewhat good day. Not as bad as I thought it would be initially. I had a pretty bad yesterday, but it turned around significantly so. I know I don't have a valentine this year, I mean a real one (since I have a pretendish one haha), but I still have someone in my heart. And you know that it still applies that if you look into the mirror you will still see my favorite thing in the world... my best friend.
So it's not a completely depressing day, besides my normal day of classes, yuck. Unfortunately, I hurt my ankle last Thursday playing soccer, but it has gotten better every day. Tonight I will attempt to play in my soccer game, hopefully not injuring it anymore or else I will scream in absolute anger. Not only do I have to be able to play soccer, I have to be able to exercise and run, so getting hurt really is not an option. Wish me luck :)

And I have a little funny story, although I know she doesn't find it amusing, it just made me laugh because usually you're excited to do something special with your valentine on Valentine's Day... but for my sister that's a different case. Currently she is not a happy camper with her husband and when I asked her if she was doing anything special she said yes, but she would rather go with anyone besides for him. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I couldn't help it. Carrie, you know I love you and I still hope you have a wonderful day.

So are you going to kiss me or not?

2011-02-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

The Truth

2011-02-11T23:03:00.000-08:00

Just don't tell them I've gone crazy
That I'm still strung out over you
Tell them anything you want to
Just don't tell them all the truth
I still need you

Well yeah, it basically speaks for itself. The truth is a hard thing to deal with... so just don't tell them please. It's hard enough to live with it every day and it's too much for others to know that it's still the same, after all this time.

2011-02-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

Such a great text from last night....

(605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

Unfortunately the really good ones are too inappropriate for this.. :(

Bad pop, bad

2011-02-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

You want to know what smells bad? Frozen coke zero that has exploded in my car. I don't know exactly why it smells so bad, but let me just tell you, don't keep a full can of pop in your car overnight in the winter. Just not smart on any level really.

I opened my car door this morning and was hit with this gross smell exiting into the open space, searching for fresh air. I laughed because I saw frozen slush on various parts of my car... I mean, it was pretty funny. I just thought, "yep, I'm dumb for leaving this in here for so long." My mom has had this happen to her many times when she puts a can in the freezer to make it really cold. The fridge isn't good enough? But she has to set an alarm on the stove to make sure she doesn't forget about it because it will explode and there will be slush all over. Fun times.

2011-02-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

D. Sharon Pruitt, Pink Sherbet Photography

I know I seemed pretty anti-love earlier, but I came across this picture and I thought it was pretty cool, so I thought I'd share. Enjoy :)

Mon cœur est à toi

Love Stinks

2011-02-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

I saw something that totally made my day. Since it is obviously getting close to Valentine's Day there are ads on countless websites about it and what not. Lovely right? Well the part that made me laugh was on Pandora, there is a strip at the top that says "Get ready for Valentine's Day by listening to one of our Love (or Love Stinks) Stations." It absolutely made me smile that they have a love stinks station because that is what I need. I'm so sick of everything being all about this day because for half of the people it's an amazingly romantic day, and for the other half it's the worst day ever. Most people only cater to the love birds, but now there is someone catering to the heartless. That makes me very happy. Thank you Pandora for giving me something extra cheery to listen to on Valentine's Day. It will honestly probably make Monday a hell of a lot better than it was going to be. And for all of you that have someone to share this sappy day with, then I guess congratulations. I'm truly happy for you and your coupleness.

The C Word

2011-02-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

Change. It's that dreadful thing that we hate to hear because it risks stability and certainty. Change, at times, can be a good thing though. We often get too complacent in our lives because we get used to things and we live for the status quo. There's the famous saying, "if it's not broken, don't fix it," which people seem to attribute to the idea of change when they are afraid of something different, since they don't know the ramifications or consequences of the endeavors they take part in... but maybe it's not that something is broken, it might just be stale and boring, capable of other things, but doesn't want to fail on the way, so stay the same, where it knows it's safe. Change is needed to keep us guessing, to keep us challenged. Playing it safe for too long makes things boring and continually makes it harder for you to ever step outside of your box. It's like inertia. The longer you oppose change and stand still, the harder it is going to be for you to ever accept change and move with it. I'm not saying that you should constantly be changing and never be happy with what you have, but there are times when you are just itching for a change, something new, something different that won't eat away at your mind with the monotony.

It might be time for a change. It might be time for me to step out of my box and move away from home and experience a world unlike the one I know now. Yes, it will be scary and I might not be as successful as I hope, but I would rather try and fail than live always wondering, "What if I just tried?" What if? The mind feeds off of anxiety and uncertainty to a particular point. Even though we don't always like the unknown, there's also something exciting in it, in which we like a little mystery instead of always being safe and cautious, always knowing the answer. So why not take a step, take a chance? You might regret not trying, because really, what's the harm in trying, as long as you don't give up at the first sign of fright. Let yourself feed of your nervousness... you might be hungry for some different sustenance. Just think about it, I know I am.

Gary Allan - Watching Airplanes

2011-02-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

I would have to say that this is definitely a favorite of mine. While I love the music and listening to it, the lyrics also hit a string with me. There's something poetic about watching airplanes.. waiting and watching helplessly for something that isn't going to come, or at least never knowing which one she will actually be on. I think love does that to people, makes monotonous things not so monotonous. Nothing matters except the burning passion and despair in the soul.

Also, watching airplanes makes me think of something a little kid would do. I think another thing love makes us do is act childish, and not necessarily in a bad way, but we get all giddy over things and we take enjoyment out of small things again, we find beauty in the things that we wouldn't normally see. But the helplessness I feel in this song, it's sad, but beautiful at the same time. I don't know, there's just something about this song that I will always love.

I love the line, "I wonder what you'd do if you looked out your window, and saw me running down the runway, just like I was crazy." Like really, I wonder what that person would do if they saw that person running crazily after them. There's something amazing about that. Love makes people do some crazy things when they don't want to lose someone. This makes things romantic and have such value. Things matter when you have someone to care about.

Sitting outside and watching plane after plane, ones taking off and some coming in, it is repetitive and stable. When something bad happens and you can't figure out why, something you can count on helps. You know that a plane will come in and one will go out. It's something stable to ease the mind. Maybe someday I'll sit outside and watch the airplanes.. in the summer of course, but I feel like it could potentially be a fun time. Just a place to relax and watch something you've never watched before. It could happen.

2011-02-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

Confusion. This is what I feel. Nothing seems clear to me anymore. Well one thing is clear to me, but there are complications that come with it, so that is what makes it all seem confusing.
I wish things in life were simple. I know they never will be, but I can dream, hope, wish.
And that is what I seem to do... dream, hope, wish, about the things I want. I don't regret ever doing anything, but sometimes I do wish they had turned out differently.

The one thing I hate the most is people saying, "If it's meant to be..." O.K., yes, I understand why people say this and it's true, but this can also be the worst thing to hear. We all just want to know if it's going to be or not. Uncertainty is such a brain-twister at times. It muddles my mind. That's what I feel like - I'm in a big pile of mud and I look to the things I want and try to get there, but there is something tenacious holding me back.

I guess all we can say is que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be...
What else is there to do but just wait and see? : /

Goodbye? :(

2011-02-01T08:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like all we ever do is say gooodbye. I don't want to, but this seems to maybe be the case. Why? You slip through my fingers just like that...and you're gone.

Emma

2011-01-22T16:07:00.000-08:00

Just for a little something to spice something up I thought I'd put this picture up... for 2 reasons. First, I love Emma Watson. Second, I absolutely love this picture. I think it's a really good picture and I especially am fond of the fog in the background. It makes her look like a torn up princess or something, which shows despair in beauty. And I think I need to get my camera out and start doing some work because I've been itching to get out and start doing something creative. Hopefully I'll get going and have some good stuff to show.

Wednesday nights

2011-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

I just started working with my dad and sister again with a basketball program for autistic children. I had initially started this program with my dad, only it was soccer and not basketball, back when I was in the 8th grade. I was very involved in the program and I love working with the kids, they teach me so much and I can help them as well. I continued with the program through high school when I didn't have to work at my other job, and some of the kids I've gotten to know for a while now. It is such rewarding experience and I consider myself lucky that I've been a part of it for so long.

On the topic of autism though, I worry about the world in which we live in because most people with a disability always face hardship from others because they're different. It makes me so sad to see when kids have a difficult time growing up because they might not get the same experience that someone else would have. They are made fun of brought down, not able to feel comfortable in their environment, which they should feel comfortable in and be able to prosper there. And not saying this is only a problem with those with disabilities, but also with regular children. But I'd have to say one thing, I have found so many kids that have so much to bring to this world that they don't get the chance to express to other people. The kids I have met and worked with have made my life more enjoyable and meaningful because it exposes me to a side that I don't see all the time and it makes me appreciate things more. They can still see light in the world even if they have a deficiency that makes it more difficult for them to achieve. That makes me see light in the situations that we often feel as if we will just fail at. Have spirit, have belief in yourself, and a lot of the kids I know do. And if they don't, I try to help them see that they do have the ability to accomplish these things, it might just take more work to get there.

I just wish sometimes that people could stop making fun of others because they might be different from ourselves. Once you step outside of your box and experience something new, it is usually better than when we stay in our secluded bubbles. Different doesn't mean it's bad, it just means unknown, and people are generally afraid of the unknown. Conquer the unknown, it'll widen your horizons and let you see a new perspective on life. Life will mean more to you then.

2011-01-21T22:13:00.000-08:00

Sleeping to dream about you

and I'm so damn tired

of having to live without you

My view

2011-01-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

So I just finished the book A Room with a View by E.M. Forster for my 20th Century British Novel class. I really enjoyed it and the main character Lucy struggled at the end between her fiance and the guy she actually loved. There were a few things that I read that spoke to my soul so to say...

"Passion does not blind. No. Passion is sanity, and the woman you love, she is the only person you will ever really understand."

AND

"You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal."

Sometimes I don't know exactly how to feel in my current situation, but I still can associate my feelings with the second quote especially. I can try to ignore it, but the love I had for you will never truly leave me. You were too important to me and you still remain important to me. I know our lives are heading down separate paths, but for a time we had intertwined paths and I never wanted anything different. I have lost you physically, but never mentally nor emotionally. If you love someone you set them free. If I was selfish I would have tried to stop you and beg you to come back. Unfortunately, your happiness means much more to me than that, so I will always want you to find happiness with not matter what or who it is. That is why I think I'm okay with seeing you with someone else or talking to someone else... it's not that I'm completely over you, it's that I can accept it that I'm not right for you and that I need to move on and not dwell on it.

If you do go away to school I will miss you, but I also think you may need it. I haven't really felt this way until now, but I worry about you. I thought you would find success right at the turning point in our lives, but I've watched you and I hate to see you get hurt with things. It makes me feel bad and I only want you to find what will make you happy. Sometimes I wish things were different, but I know nothing will change and I've learned to deal with it. You may think whatever you want about me, but I know that you are always in my heart, always my best friend, always the one who got away. I'll be happy when I see you move on and find a good rhythm and happiness. You can say that you don't miss me, I think about you every day.

The little things are most worth it

2011-01-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

I feel that I've learned lately to cherish and enjoy the little things and try not to stress as much about things, especially the things you cannot control. Worrying too much about things weighs us down because it gives us something we're constantly thinking about, but not in a good way. Finding something small that makes you happy can sometimes be more rewarding than something really big that can make you happy too I think. At least for me I've found that.

Lately, I have been having a good time, good life, good year. There have already been some things that have on the other side of the spectrum and have tried to hold me back a little from moving forward, but I'm not going to let those things stand in my way. I honestly feel like me right now. I'm happy to know that this is the person I am. I'm proud of myself and I'm enjoying this crazy journey we call life.

Unfortunately I was just turned down for being an orientation leader at school, but I'm not going to let it get to me. There were 40 something applicants for 4 spots, so the odds were slim, but I still tried to get the job. It was a good experience to go in to do the interviewing process and everything, so I can still take something good from it, even though I didn't get the desired outcome. This means though, that I have to start the job hunt now... I really do need to get a job, but I feel like it's going to be more difficult with my school schedule and work load. Oh, but I do have a part-time thing on Wednesday's that will be starting this week. It's a basketball program for autistic kids and I'll get paid a little for helping with it, so that'll give me something to work off of at least.

As for school, I have loads and loads of reading to do for my classes, but I'm still excited about this semester and the opportunites I'll have to learn and grow from my classes. I feel like each one has a lot to offer to me in strengthening my analyzing, writing, reading, and discussion skills. And it'll be a challenge, so it'll give me strength to accomplish tough things. That will give me good satisfaction after it is all done.

One other thing that I have found to help me is to appreciate my friends and what they do for me. I love hanging with my friends to get me out of the house and let my mind roam free a little bit, and they make me happy. Laughing is important, and they sure make me do a lot of it. Things are good right now. It makes me happy to say that. I'm just trying to hold on to it for as long as I can.

An Eternity... or so it seems

2011-01-14T12:12:00.000-08:00

Wow. It has literally been forever since I've last posted on here. I feel terrible about it, not because many people are waiting by their computer anticipating my next post, but because I feel that it's important for me to continue updating things on here and to continue writing. Just because I'm not writing on here doesn't mean I'm not writing in general though because the main reason why I haven't had an opportunity to write on here is not for lack of interest or thoughts, but because I have been busily reading and writing for my classes this semester. My schedule is jam packed and I've been busier this entire first week back at school than I think I've ever been in a semester at Flint so far. This will be an intense but exciting semester and I'm really looking forward to it. Plus I know if I survive, especially with good grades, I will feel immensely proud of myself because I know I have a big work load that I've taken on. I know it's going to take a lot more work and time on my part, but I have a good feeling that things are going to turn out good and I like to challenge myself. Ok, I need to remember to post soon on here again, so I can get into detail on things that are on my mind and things that happened over break and what not, but I felt the need to explain myself on the lack of postings lately. Hopefully the next one will be soon, but at the moment my internet on my laptop at home is currently not working at all and I cannot figure out what in the heck is wrong with it, so I'm only able to use the internet at school. I am working diligently to get the problem figured out because I feel desperate without it already. Au revoir mes amis!

Random

2010-12-27T21:46:00.000-08:00

I found this quote and it totally made my night. It's completely true. So guys, if you give us crap, we'll give you shit for real. Ha, just needed this for a smile and a laugh :)

I enjoy this picture immensely. I love depth of field photos because it always makes one part of the picture more defined and focused and centers the attention on that particular thing. And I've always loved the metaphorical meanings behind never-ending lines like this railing or a train track or a road... it's like there is a long road ahead of you that you can't quite see, but you have a long way to go and lots of memories on the way. It gives me a feeling of opportunity and life. It makes me feel hopeful in a way. There's a long road ahead of me and who knows where it'll end up.

2010-12-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie... I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of giving in to a new way of life, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of feeling too much. But this means that I'm also afraid that I'm going to keep myself from experiencing something great. I can feel myself trying to put up a wall and I want to break through it, but I'm just...

afraid :/

The Harold Song

2010-12-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

I recently listened to this song and stopped, realizing how true these words can be to someone. It's so easy to play a different part during the day, but once we get in the dark where no one is around, that's when our true feelings come out. We want to look a certain way in front of other people so that know that we're O.K., but that doesn't always mean that they are. They could be breaking down every night because that's when they can let it out. I worry that we can't always see people in distress because sometimes they are so good at hiding it, when all they really need is someone there to help them. Darkness is where we want our deepest feelings to stay, away from the light because then they are known. They are visible in the light and that's the last thing we want for them to be... visible.

I think this happens with everyone because there are always secrets that we keep to ourselves that no one knows. There are some things we feel embarrassed about or just want to keep to ourselves because making it known would almost give away a part of you that you hold so close. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's almost like giving up some of your identity that you don't want people to see. They would know too much about you and that's scary. There's a person now that still knows me better than anyone else and that's scary to me. We can't help what we let out once it is out, so we have to be careful with what we share, but make sure we don't keep everything in at the same time. What I've learned about life is that there is constantly a struggle, usually in ever single situation we encounter, and we have to choose the way we feel is best and it could either be a success or a failure. We don't know which it will be, but I can guarantee that there will be a decision for us to make.

Getting back to the song, I think it's getting out the feelings that we want people to know but we never want to say. It's hard to say that we get weak at times or that we still hold onto memories of people and that's what I like about it. I feel pain in the chorus when she talks about true love hurting. She mentions "young love murdered" which I think I can relate to. We all have our own stories and our own loves, but I think people can relate to this in some way, losing someone or something that kills us inside. I hate thinking about my time of weakness, but it's a part of me and I don't deny that it happened. I just like this song even though it makes me sad. Just thought I'd share this song because I like that through a lot of Ke$ha's interesting songs, she has some that really touch the heart as well.

Holiday

2010-12-26T13:29:00.000-08:00

I know it's a day late, but Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful day, received the gifts they wanted, and spent time with loved ones :)

I had a good day, although I was a little sick. I got a lot of good stuff from Santa, aka Lou Anne. I got the movie Despicable Me, which I am sooooo excited to watch because I remember seeing it theaters and absolutely loving it! I can't wait to watch it, but I think I'm waiting to watch it with my friends Roxy and Erin since they haven't seen it yet. My sister hasn't either, which is surprising because it has Steve Carell in it, and let's just say, he is AMAZING. Our favorite actor by far. Never a dull movie or show with him in it. Which is also why I asked for The Office season 6. Yay! I got that too.

Another show that I've gotten into is Parenthood. I love the show and I started watching it because it had Lauren Graham in it, which is one of my favorite actresses starting from when I watched Gilmore Girls. Other than that I basically got gift cards because I'm broke and some books. I know I sound like a loser, but I'm so excited to read this break since I finally have the time. No more reading school books for a week or two, I can just snuggle on the couch reading for fun.

My brother and sister :) Plus Stu haha

I opened presents with my family, then had dinner which was good, but I like Thanksgiving food better... and then we went to the movies which is a regular tradition. We were planning on seeing Little Fockers but it was sold out, so instead we saw How Do You Know. This was a good movie. I laughed so much. Paul Rudd had a part in it like in I Love You, Man where he his humor was him kind of being dumb and saying weird things, but having it be hilarious at the same time. I found it entertaining, and if you like Paul I think you will too.

Other than that I just went to the gym and worked out. I know, people think I'm crazy, but like my brother said, "My body doesn't know that it's Christmas. It doesn't know why I'm taking a day off." So why would you take a day off? I ate, so I wanted to feel better by working it off. And that's exactly what I did, so I can take pride in the fact that I had the dedication to work out even on a holiday.

That was my day basically. I hope that no one had very many worries!! I know my friend had some problems the day before Christmas, which happened to be her birthday, and I'm sorry for that. I love her and I hope she had a better day.

I like to be British though, so Happy Christmas!

Milo

2010-12-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

First of all, I love Milo Ventimiglia.

Second, I love this picture. There's something about black and white photographs that always catch my attention. I know that when color came to pictures everyone loved it and sort of put black and white off to the side, but I think I like b&w almost better. For some reason I feel more emotion in pictures when they don't have color. Don't get me wrong, color is good too, but each has their pros and cons.

This is just a random post... I saw the picture and thought I'd like to share it. What a gorgeous man ;)

Some songs

2010-12-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to some fun music lately... probably because it just makes me feel good. Upbeat songs... it reminds me of how I used to be, instead of darker, depressing songs. I love feeling good. There are a couple of songs that I like just because they are simple, but they mean a lot at the same time. I guess I don't know exactly why I like them, I just do because it mimics my mood. I know some of these are old... but still, there's not a timer on when you can listen to them.

Fallin' for you - Colbie Caillat
I love this song because it's just so cute. It has a good melody and the words are so true. You want to say something, but then you're scared and we all have those feelings of falling for someone. I feel like I always battle it in my head, like do am I actually falling or am I just making up the feelings in my head to try and talk myself out of it...? But it's adorable and makes me smile.
Kiss a girl - Keith Urban
Now this song doesn't mean that I want to kiss a girl, but I can relate to it about kissing a guy. There comes a point after your heart has broken that you just want to get back out there and start being happy again. I absolutely love the line about at first you're holding back, then you give in. It is extremely true, but at the same time that's what sort of makes the kiss so special because you're nervous, but you want to do it so badly at the same time. Just a fun beat that I get into.
Crazy Love - Michael Buble
This song... well I love Michael. I love his voice and his retro style. This is a cute song that I always find myself singing along to. It's pace is slower, but easy to listen to and sway along with.
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
My favorite part in this song is when he is checking out his tongue in the mirror and draws a face in the mirror and laughs. Jason Mraz is adorable and I love his voice. Good song...
Hip to my heart - The Band Perry
This is a new favorite of mine. I like your lips like I like my coca cola yeah, oh how it pops and fizzes - the first time I heard this song that line immediately got my attention. I enjoy the beat and it's funny how people can become so hipped to our hearts... we all find someone like that.
How far do you wanna go - Gloriana
I like this song not only because of the beat but because of the question.. how far do you wanna go? Should we be each others worlds? Should we be in love? How far do we want to take this... it's a question I think about in my head sometimes and it's like should we really be doing this or do we just want to let it go..
Put you in a song - Keith Urban
Ohhhh how I love Keith. This is his newest single and I really like the idea of putting someone in a song because most songs I hear I link someone to that song. This talks about doing just that, but making someone basically into a song and it's great how our mood relates to our music and feelings. When we love someone we want to write a song for them, something beautiful that we always want to listen to and turn up. Just a cool idea for a song.
Ok, it's alright with me - Eric Hutchinson
Watch this video. Eric looks so cute playing the piano and he gets into the song so much. His voice is interesting and soulful but bouncy at the same time. I love this song every since the first time I heard it. Just a fun song to listen to and I have listened to it countless times.
The way you make me feel - Michael Jackson
Gahhh, the beginning music makes me dance every time I heart it. Such a great song, I love listening to it and dancing in the car. I just go all out because I feel the rhythm and what to express myself.

So those are just some of the songs I listen to a lot because I enjoy them. Sometimes I worry about how much I listen to songs.. but at the same time I'm like who cares?! As long as I'm enjoying myself what does it matter, right? I hope so.

2010-12-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

I'm happy :)

And I can't remember the last time I've actually said that.
Really, I don't know the last time I've said that or truly meant it and that worries me a little. I think I'm in a good place right now and I can admit that to myself, which is usually the hardest part. Usually I have to lie to myself, but right now I know I'm not. I'm content and I'm smiling. I feel like this is a tad unusual for me in the last couple of months. I've sort of been all over the place, but I can finally feel myself getting back to where I need to be.

My last paper for this class I wrote about compulsive exercising and I realized that I had a problem with that myself. It freaked me out because I never really thought about it as a problem. Exercising made me feel better about myself and it just became habit. I no longer felt like doing it for health reasons, I did it because I felt terrible if I didn't. I started eating less as well. I remember eating maybe once a day, exercising multiple times per day as well as play soccer at the end of the day. The only reason I ate was to give me some strength to run again. This was clearly not healthy. Soccer even lost its appeal to me. I didn't feel like playing, I was just already on the teams so I continued to play. It's sad to think that a sport I've played my entire life started to lose its meaning. But it happened.

This is just a little sneak into what happened to me with my exercising, but I'm honestly better. I still work out, but I do it because I want to again. I don't feel like I constantly have to, but I like to. I like to stay healthy and it still makes me feel good about myself. I eat because I'm hungry, not so that I can run again. In general, I feel better about myself. I'm proud that I'm feeling more confident in myself and getting out there and having fun. This last semester was hell for me and I am so thankful that I can officially say that it's over with and it's past me. I'm looking forward to next semester and all of my classes :) These past few months I haven't been as much of myself and it was visible in my school work and effort. I still did well, but I just knew it wasn't me.

I glad to be the person I am. I really am happy.

2010-12-17T02:18:00.000-08:00

What do I do?
How do I feel?
How do I respond?
Is this the right thing for me?
Is it?

No matter how much I hard I try to run away I feel like gravity keeps pulling me back... do I succumb to gravity or do I try to defy it? What do I truly want and what is best for me- these are the two questions that I honestly need to answer, and soon. Very, very soon. I just don't have the answers.

This is my Christmas wish: to understand.

Music

2010-12-17T02:09:00.000-08:00

asldjfas
This is a song that I have taken to heart lately... one of my earlier posts about feeling like everything is a dream came from this. I can go through the different stages of emotions I have by the songs I listen to. It's interesting how this works...

Songs. The lyrics, the melody, the mood, the memories...
I wish songs wouldn't have so much meaning into them. There are songs that I just can't listen to anymore because of association. This annoys me to no end. Shuffle on the ipod-when it hits that song, push next as fast as you can. I realize just how ma
ny songs I have that I don't want to listen to or simply cannot listen to because of what I associate it with. Songs have such beautiful meanings, but there are occasions when those meanings turn to the dark side and are no longer beautiful.

You just want to erase it... forget that anything ever happened to make you remember something from a tune, but you can't. It's ingrained in your mind, never letting you forget, ever present in your mind.

Why do we let ourselves get attached to things? In particular to this post the music and feelings that come with it. Music can be an escape when you need it, but I feel like it's also a portal to that world that we're most trying to run away from. Things change in your life, but the songs stay the same. They may be old, but they are always stay the exact same. I wish they would change to how I feel now so that I wouldn't have to have bad memories.

I worry that amazing songs get ruined because of the things we relate it back to. I worry that these songs will lose their beauty and true meanings when things like this happen. New songs come though and you can make new associations.. if only these could make those other songs evaporate.

There is so much music out there that we can pick and choose what we want to listen to since there are different genres that cater to our different moods. Music is soothing. Music is soul. Music is the devil at the same time. But I wouldn't want to live without it.

e.e. cummings

2010-12-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

I saw this on another person's blog and I really liked it. It's a poem from e.e. cummings...

i like my body when it is with your

body. It is so quite a new thing.

Muscles better and nerves more.

i like your body. i like what it does,

i like its hows. i like to feel the spine

of your body and its bones, and the trembling

-firm-smoothness and which i will

again and again and again

kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz

of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes

over parting flesh... and eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

There's just something about this that makes me feel the passion and loveliness of what is written. It's amazing to feel such a thing for a person, to never feel something better than deep and undenying love for another being. I think that the words are strong and I like that he talks about the spine and the bones because sometimes it's the odd things on a persons body that we find the most sensual. It's something different to everyone, but there's just something about that person that makes your heart go wild. I also like how he says the "thrill." It's the heart's anticipation that builds up this excitement inside, that cannot wait for the catch. Something about this just stood out to me. Poetry, or writing in general, grabs certain types of people, and this one seemed to grab me.

Thank you e.e. cummings, and your strange name that you changed to have no capital letters. I guess that makes me shelly renee nason. no caps. ever. anymore. my teachers won't like this.

To be or not to be

2010-12-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

I worry that I don't have what it takes to accomplish my biggest ambitions in life. I think everyone feels this way at times, but how far does it go before you stop yourself from even trying?

Is it dumb to want to tackle a problem that seems impossible? Is it not even worth trying? Does it take some bold act of courage or craziness to be able to do this? People may think you're crazy but I think that for me, if I want to do something, like really want to do something, then I know I should do it because it will eat away at me if I don't. That for me, I believe, is the difference between not going for it or backing it off. If I'm dead set on doing something, I won't be able to live without thinking about it all the time and wondering what would happen if I just did it.

Since there are usually multiple things that people want to do in their life, we have to prioritize and figure out what it truly is that we want to do. There's no point going through life thinking about what you should have done because it will only make you think less of yourself. To me, if I try and I look like an idiot, failing, then at least I can say that I didn't chicken out. I'm also the type of person that derives greater determination when I don't do as well as I had hoped. I don't want to be remembered as a person who didn't try or only gave a minimal performance. I want to wow people with my ability to stick with things and give my all, even if I still don't succeed.

If anyone has ever watched me play soccer, I think they can see what I'm saying. I never give up. If I lose the ball, or if someone gets past me, I don't stand there feeling sad for myself that I failed at the moment, I get back on the ball immediately and try to win it back. It does no good to feel sorry for yourself when you could work hard to try and reverse that feeling. It makes me angry when I see other people give up because they are giving up on themselves in a way and they aren't giving their all. I know not everyone is going to work as hard as me, and some will work harder than me (because I'm not trying to say I'm the greatest thing out there), but you have to work to your potential and show yourself that you can do it.

I know that I worry about accomplishing things, especially right now with my schooling because I have a lot of tough goals for myself in the future. Nothing is certain yet, but I know I'm going to have to work extremely hard if I want to do them. But thinking about it right now, I know that later on in life if I do it, then I can look back on myself with pride and respect because I won't have given up from fear.

Like Nike's slogan says:

And just a side note....if you have want a laugh, look up some of these images for "Nike just do it" and there are some funny images.

What? Why?

2010-12-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I worry about what goes on in the minds of other people. It's such a mystery what goes on in our own heads that it's almost unfathomable to think or understand what is going on in someone else's. This entry has more to do with my friend than with me this time. A lot of this is similar to what I went through, but it has now hit her. Her boyfriend just broke up with her, but he says he still loves her and cares for her. I'm sorry, but that doesn't really make sense.

People say one thing, but often do another. It would be nice if the human race came with a manual that told us what this action meant or told us how to deduce diction. We can always make inferences on why someone did what they did, but we are not always correct. I worry that we give up things that we don't realize we're giving up at the time. But maybe once you realize, it could be lost forever. That is our problem. We, more often times than not, don't know what we want, or possibly it is that we always want more and never settle with what makes us happy. Settling as in not always searching for more when you have what makes you happy now. Not settling as in giving up on finding what you want. If you're happy with someone or love them, why give it up?

It is difficult to read other people. We may think we know them, but they could be acting way out of character, so it makes you reevaluate everything that the person was before.

And why do we fight ourselves so much? I feel that sometimes we fight against ourselves from being happy because that is when we have something to lose. You can't get hurt as easily when you're not passionate about something or happy. It's too easy to forget that bad things can happen when you're truly happy. Your outlook on life is that everything is good, and all of a sudden it'll disappear when a rain cloud starts to downpour on you, and only you. So which way is better? Staying away from happiness so that you don't get hurt, or give in to what we want and risk getting hurt? People go both ways. I don't know which way is actually the right way to go because I can argue both sides. Sometimes the hurt is just too deep that you never want to experience anything like it again so you only let yourself reach a certain kind of happiness that can't be taken away.

Who knows how to combat these problems.. we just have to make a decision and try it out. That's what sucks about life, you never quite know what to do or how it's going to turn out, but you have to pick a way and live it to find out. Yay for uncertainty!

Jinsonchan.com

I'm just sitting out here watching airplanes take off and fly. Trying to figure out which one you might be on and why you don't love me anymore.

This is it... well for class

2010-12-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

Well the semester is almost done... we turned in our last papers and we left our last class period together. I know some people didn't really like the whole idea of writing a blog, but I really liked it actually. I think it's nice to just have it to put your thoughts out there, even if you don't have a lot of people reading it. It keeps you writing, which is important for writers. You have to be writing constantly. It doesn't have to be something incredibly important, but anything really. And for me, writing out something makes me feel better. I can let out my feelings, and I can choose what I want to share and what I don't want to.

I liked this class because it challenged me. When I would first hear the topics for the papers I was like oh, I can write about this, but then I always found that it was much more difficult than I had initially thought. I had to work harder for the grade I wanted, since I have sort of slacked off a little this semester in general in all of my classes. I couldn't just squeeze by in this class.

Some of you won't continue to write on your blogs, expressing deep loathing for it, but I think I'm going to keep writing. I like the idea of blogs, although I didn't at first. But it's a good resource for anyone who likes to write or would like to share ideas with other people. It's a little piece of someone, and I like to see personalities and passions come out of people that you wouldn't necessarily know by just looking at them. People have truly magnificent ideas in their heads but a lot of times they're too timid to share them. Blogging is an opportunity for people to say something that they would normally keep inside of them.

When I first started my blog this semester I feel like I was in a very different mind set. And looking back, I think I can see the progress I've made and that's kind of cool to see it documented and right there in actual form. I don't like to see all of my thoughts disappear, even if they don't mean anything to anyone else, so I like that I can keep them safe on here, that they won't disappear in my head. I liked looking at the other things that people wrote about, so thank you everyone for the good reading material :)

I hope I will see you guys in some of my other classes!

Ankle

2010-12-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

Last year around this time I started playing soccer after probably having about a year off. I hurt my ankle and I honestly have never had a really bad injury all of my life playing soccer. I had to wrap my ankle, and after two games I thought it as O.K. without. Boy was I wrong. I rolled it even worse that time and I had to wear a brace for a while and only shoot with my left foot because it was that weak. I never had a real problem with it after that. I continued to wear a brace for a while, but I didn't hurt it any further. I had a few minor problems with it on and off during the summer but it had finally gotten to the point where I completely forgot that I even had that problem. It was nice not having to worry about my ankle while playing... Until last Thursday.

I didn't even roll my ankle or fall, I only shot with my right foot. Something happened though and the pain I remember experiencing before came back to me. It hurt to run on it and even just to walk on. I can run fine, but when it comes to all the transitioning in an actual soccer game, I hope it will be good. I will make sure to wear a brace or wrap it because I'm playing on more teams now then I was before and I really have no time to let it heal. I can't afford to take time off. I can't stop exercising. I'll get angry and cranky if I do. Plus tonight is the semifinals for intramural at school and I'm the only girl on the team and you have to have a girl on the field at all times. This means they need me.

So I worry about being hurt right now. I don't worry about the pain, I just worry about not being to play and what not. I would be really screwed if that happened. Well, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

2010-12-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

You can't blame gravity for falling in love

Albert Einstein

Who can you blame for falling in love? Who can you blame for feeling anything? No one really. I think there is something unknown and strange about why we feel the things we do. And I know that with me, no matter how much I tell myself to do one thing, I might always feel another way because I just can't seem to change it. It would be so easy to say we're going to do one thing and actually do it, feel it, change it inside of us. I think one way, but I feel another. I try listening to myself no matter how difficult it may be, but I still find myself backing away from that at times.

Is it safer to go with how you feel or how you think? Sometimes these two things coincide with each other and agree, but many times we have that struggle inside of ourselves, like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. If you only make decisions on your feelings then you may miss out on tons or great experiences or you may heart yourself from falling into the same trap again. If you only make decisions based on detailed thoughts and careful debate there are consequences there too. I think you need to take into consideration both thought and feeling in life, but the tough part is when to listen to your heart or your brain. And I know that you can't actually feel anything with your "heart" as we usually say, but I mean it in the way of our emotions. There's a struggle going on in every person to combat problems and it's interesting to see which path people take. Sometimes we fall into giving into our emotions time after time and repeatedly get hurt, while others may never give into their emotions which could keep them from experiencing something they truly want or that will make them happy.

There's no clear line between the two. Only a mixing of the two, a real gray area, exists. It's difficult to decide which way to follow in a particular situation, but I feel that if we make a wrong decision we can always try to rectify it. There is always a chance to change something if you want it to change. We just have to try. We're always going to make mistakes and do things we wish we wouldn't have done, but try not to regret it because we learn from our mistakes and our successes. If you wish something had been different just try. You owe it to yourself to try, otherwise you'll spend your whole life wishing you had.

I worry that we give up too easily on stuff, but that we also hold on to things too much. The human brain is intricate and difficult to understand and it's frustrating at times.

I worry about acting on my feelings versus my brain... and I don't blame gravity. Things happen because they were meant to. I was meant to feel that way and think that way. Now I'm only trying to find out what I'm meant to think and feel now.

I don't blame myself for falling, to seemingly give into gravity. I don't blame anyone or anything. I can't tell you exactly why I feel the way I do, I can only justify that I do feel this way. Maybe we should stop worrying about why we feel and think more about how to go about life feeling this way. It's to difficult to change so just embrace it. Learn to live with it and combat problems being confident in yourself the way you are. It does no good to worry about something you can't control. It'll only drive you crazy. We think that it's easier to use blame. It takes the responsibility off of ourselves and somehow makes us feel better about ourselves? It makes me feel worse about myself because then I'm too much of a pansy to accept myself for the way I am. It's immature to put the blame on someone or something that doesn't deserve it, but we all do it at times. It is all me, the way I feel and the way I am. I don't feel embarrassed at the way I am because that only means I'm turning my back on myself. I'm proud of the way I am, and I fall for the things that I love. I might fall at times that I don't want to, but I can't deny that I didn't fall. But the thing I'm learning is "I get knocked down but I get up again. Ain't nothing going to keep me down." I'm not down in spirit. I look up and forward to getting stronger every day.

Carlton

2010-12-05T16:45:00.000-08:00

As much as I try to deny that winter is here, it is whether I like it or not. With winter comes snow and bad weather, roads, etc. This means I'm worried about Carlton, my car.

I'm a college student, so of course I don't have a nice car. He's not the greatest thing ever, but he's mine :) I get worried though about him breaking down or having some other sort of trouble and I already need a new muffler. I get nervous to drive him when the roads are bad because I feel like he will just lose control and spin out. This has already happened to me in my neighborhood (where the roads are always ten times worse) last week. I mean everyone has to be extra cautious during this time of the year, just some cars are safer than others. It's not that he's not a safe car to drive in, I just get nervous because I feel like he's fragile haha.

We've been through a lot together already with different types of problems so I hope he can make it through another season of cold, bad weather. I'm not ready to see him go!
But this also makes me worried for everyone driving during the winter. People still drive fast even though the roads are bad, thinking nothing bad can happen to them, which I can admit to doing as well. You never know when you could lose control of your car, or another car could and then hit you, so we just have to be careful. That's all I'm asking of everyone is to be careful. Stupid Michigan with its stupid weather and stupid roads! Snow, just stay off the pavement please. That would make things much easier.

The end is near!

2010-12-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

Everyone is talking about the end of the semester. Hallelujah! But inevitably, all tests and papers are taken or due at the same time. This means a lot of work to be done. This is a worry for everyone. The end of the semester is looked at with such excitement, but we can't forget that we still have to work hard before the break. It's the time when we become giddy because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have to try to stay focused on getting everything done on time and appropriately.

I'm not too worried about the work load since this is now my fifth semester here (counting spring and summer), so the same things happens every time. This doesn't mean that I can't take it any less seriously though. I have three papers due, as well as a rewrite I have to do, and multiple tests, all in the next two weeks. That's quite a lot of work, and that's the only unfortunate thing about college is that it seems like you have hardly anything going on at some points and then everything hits you right in the same week. This really tests our skills to not procrastinate and work diligently, otherwise it will bite us in the butt.

It's a stressful time of the semester, including the busyness of the holidays. There are so many things in the way to distract us, but we can't let them! At least with all of the hard work we put into these next couple of weeks will come with the reward of having a vacation and not having to worry about school at all, like with Thanksgiving break. We need a little down time for our brains to relax and not be so strung up on the distress we encounter while in classes. Breaks don't last forever, but we need something to challenge us, so I guess it's a cycle that will continue to occur throughout our lives.

Where is reality?

2010-11-30T21:10:00.000-08:00

Do you ever worry that the past was all a dream?

Sometimes I worry that it was only just a dream. Dreams you wake up from. You are in a different world, you are in a serene world away from the troubles of every day life. So in this sense, it was just a dream. The recent past to me seems like a whole other world that I never really lived in, or sometimes I wish I had lived, but abruptly woke up from. My world now is so radically different and when I look back on it all, it seems unreal to me. It literally feels like a dream.

What are dreams? Why do we have the dreams we have? Sometimes I want to crush my dreams because they bring me back. Maybe that's why I feel that it was all a dream, since I dream about it, and that is all I can do. That's why when I wake up I hate that I dreamt anything at all. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want to look back and forget to look forward. It does me no good to live in the past when it doesn't exist. That's probably why I look to the future alone now.

I'm worried that these dream worlds will never be anything but that. And they won't. They are only mere memories encompassed in my mind that I replay over and over. I worry that I will continue to dream, when all I want is to move on and forget. I want to dream of the future and things that have yet to happen, but obviously this cannot happen. If the future were known, I wouldn't have to dream about it; I would be, and am, living it.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live

-J.K. Rowling

Money :(

2010-11-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

I am honestly worried about money. I need a new job, like now. Today was my last day at Playland (tear) for the winter and unfortunately that means only one more paycheck coming to my name. One. That's it. This means that I am scared.

Yes, I do have money in the bank, but I don't want to have to rely on that. I need money the most for gas, otherwise I will not be going to classes and then I would fail, and well, that would just be a nightmare. But other than school work, I would have to say that this is one of my biggest worries right now. It's just always in the back of my mind. I really need to get cracking on the job hunt or I will find myself in a real pickle. But I think I will O.K. I'm usually good at getting out of sticky situations, and also I will be able to get money and giftcards for Christmas which will help me out immensely.

This also makes me think of all of the people who are unemployed that have families and more expenses than I do. If I'm feeling stressed and I don't have as much to worry about, they must be going crazy. It is terrible that the unemployment rate is so high. How do people live without working? Not only does it give you the money you need to provide for yourself, it also keeps you busy. I want to work as well so that I have something to do. During the winter when it's cold and depressing anyway, if I have more free time to just sit around, that's going to be a real problem for me. I like to stay active doing things because then I'm happier and less lazy. It's nice to stay busy. I like to have things to do, even if it is working. I can't imagine not having a job, since I've had one since I was 14. I just get used to it being there. I need to stop writing on here and find one. Bye!

?

2010-11-28T08:09:00.001-08:00

I worry about how you would think of me if you knew, how you would feel... If you knew.

But I guess I just need to worry about how I feel and what I think. You are only a memory in the past and I will continue to be a memory in the present and future. I am me.

Roxanne

2010-11-22T22:05:00.000-08:00

i love this girl more than words

I'm worried about what will happen when Roxy goes to Michigan State next year. She says that she's worried about getting in, but I don't have any doubts about her getting in. I know I will drive up and see her whenever I can, but it just stinks that I won't have her here. I mean, I guess I'm already used to it with my best friends Erin and Amanda being gone, but Roxy has still always been here and we've become so much closer since we started college. I don't worry that we won't stay in touch, it'll just be sad to see her go. I know though, that she will have a blast and I'll be excited to see her go, but I'll still be here at U of M-Flint.

I guess this makes me a little worried about friends again in general, because before I even had a post about how I was worried about not making enough friends. What will happen when all my friends leave to go on to do bigger and better things? I really love school here though, so I don't really want to leave, plus it'll be more expensive. I wish I could apparate like in Harry Potter so that I could just appear in a far away place in seconds time. It would help save my problem of having to drive everywhere to see people when I might not necessarily have the time, or the money for gas. It will turn out O.K. I won't let her moving away keep me from staying in touch. It'll be a change for both of us, but who am I kidding, we still have an entire semester and wonderful summer to spend with each other before this anyway. Cherish all the memories and never forget the ones that mean the most to you.

My love :)

2010-11-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

I'm honestly worried that I will spend all of my money going to see Harry Potter.

I've already gone 4 times. Yes, I went four times the first day. First at midnight, then at 10 in the morning, then 3 and finally 7. Greatest day ever! My sister and I have done this routine for the last three movies I believe and the tradition continues. I absolutely love doing it. And with this movie, I want to go so many more times. My favorite part of the whole movie was when Harry took Hermione's hand and danced with her. This was just a simple act that went a long way and made me smile so big every time I saw it.

I want to go and see that part again and again. I want to be able to dance silly with someone like that. It makes me happy to see that because I feel like I can have that one day. Everything about Harry Potter makes my life. And since there are no more books and only one movie left (AHHH!) I have to enjoy every little bit there is left, which means going to see the movie again and again! I also have spent some money on shirts. I bought three of them, but it was completely necessary. There were just too many awesome shirts at Hot Topic to pass it up :) I'm a dork, what can I say, but I'm happy with how I am. As long as I'm happy, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Go see the movie!!!!

A Little Bit Stronger

2010-11-21T19:33:00.000-08:00

I know this should be something I'm worried about, hence my blog, but I feel like this just really describes me right now. This song by Sara Evans just gives me inspiration because it's true that every day I get stronger. Everything that happens to us in our lives will help us become the people we are meant to be. There are going to be painful things that happen to us, but it's how we take those experiences and learn from them that defines us. I don't want to dwell on the past. I need to look forward and focus on being happy and enjoying life. I'm trying really hard and it's working. Even though I still have my bad days, I know that it'll be better, that I'll be a better person from all of this. I'm not worried that I won't overcome this, the only question is when I can truly say that I've put it all behind me. But I'm not trying to say that I never had a past with him. I still cherish the memories I had with him, it's just sad that things can't be better between us.

I'm moving on though. I am stronger and I will continue to get stronger. I just can't thank my friends enough for being there for me. They have done a world of good for me and I don't know what I'd do without them. I'm sick of thinking that things are going to change. This is my life now and I'm embracing it for what it is. I'm proud of the progress I've made. I won't let my heart be dragged around. I am my own person and I'll be O.K. I can look in the mirror and see battle scars, but this is now a part of me and it'll never go away. Learning from the past will make my future that much better. I worry about myself, but at the same time I don't because I know I can weather the worst. I'm not just going to fall apart because of this loss. I'm stronger than that and just watch me as I continue to grow larger.

This song kind of made me realize this about myself. It's true, my heart will never be the same, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can only control what happens to me from now on and I can accept that. I've accepted what has happened and I'm stronger for this. I don't want to fall again.

I am a fighter.

That time of the month... or maybe not?

2010-11-20T19:20:00.000-08:00

I am worried about girls who get pregnant too early in life. I'm sorry, this seems like a random topic for me to talk about, and it's not about me, but a friend of mine, and just girls in general. I feel that girls are not thinking clear enough in relationships and that we give ourselves over to men easily, or rather we're not being as smart about it as we should.

People are going to have sex no matter what, no matter what they're told, they will. But one of the consequences of this is obviously bearing a child. I'm worried that these girls will lose out on the chance to be a kid, to go to college, to have an easier time through these difficult ages, instead of having another life to worry about. I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to have kids, or that they still can't have a life if they have a kid as a teenager, but everything becomes so much more difficult for them trying to make a life for themselves. How will they be able to support themselves and their child as well as make a life? It takes a lot of work take care of yourself, let alone another human being, especially when you're the sole protector and guider for that other being. It's scary to be in that situation at any age and it makes me scared to see girls fall into this situation too early. I really do not want to make it seem that they can't have a wonderful life or make their life work, because I know mistakes happen and it might not necessarily be a mistake, every child is a miracle and an important part of the world, but at the same time these things usually aren't planned and so it puts extra pressure on these girls when they would normally be worrying about their school work and what they're going to wear that day.

I just want everything to work out for this girl. I'm here for her if she needs help, and I hope that her parents are supportive of her and help her because it's only hurting her and her child more if they neglect her, even if she did make a mistake. As humans we are flawed and we all make mistakes, just some of them are bigger than others, but you can still take this endeavors and learn from them and grow as a person. I admire that she is being a strong girl and taking responsibility for her actions and not just shoving it off like it doesn't matter, but some girls are different in this situation.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it's sad to see girls fall into this trap if they had other plans and this happened to crop up on them. I worry about her and I want her to be O.K. through all of this. It'll definitely make her a stronger person. At least she has a good guy that is sticking by her. I worry, but I think it will turn out all right.

Firework

2010-11-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite songs right now. Katy Perry has really caught my attention lately. I think this song is inspiring to everyone, especially the video, because everyone has something special to offer to this world, whether they think they do or not. We just forget to show ourselves off sometimes in fear of being hurt or embarrassed, but we need to show our colors off more and be the people we want to be.

This is a worry that I think encompasses everyone, that we don't let our true colors show, or we don't let our freak flag fly. I think in order to be happy we have to be the people we want to be. It does no good to pretend to be someone else, and if we really have a passion in our hearts to do something then we need to do it because it will end up eating us away in the end I think. We all have dreams in our hearts and we only live once, so why not go for it all? Let your hair down, be crazy, stick up for something you believe in, fight for the ones you love, make it count.

I'm not afraid to show who I am. I am a dork- I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, I'm a reading fanatic, I love school (which is something not a lot of people say), I love to run, I love energy and having it, I love rambling, I know just about every single line in the entire series of Gilmore Girls, and I working on getting over my embarrassment in a particular area of my life. I like who I am as a person and I hope others like themselves too. We all have a spark in us that people don't see. Don't be afraid. Live like you don't have another day. Be the person you want to be and show others. Hiding is keeping yourself from experiencing greatness.

Baby you're a firework

2010-11-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

I worry about feeling embarrassed. Or rather I worry about being embarrassed about how I'm feeling.
I feel exposed and just down-right dumb.

It's embarrassing.

A little peak at me

2010-11-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

These are two of my best friends! I love them to death, and yes, we are doing a lame mirror shot, but sometimes you just have to even though it's cheesy. The one next to me, Amanda, goes to Central University and Roxy (also known as Roxanna, even though her name is Roxanne), next to Amanda, goes to Mott right now and is planning on going to MSU.

Amanda MF Fowler :)

This is Nick Bouchard. He is one of the nicest guys I have hung around with in a while and super hilarious. He totally made the weekend a load of laughs, even while making fun of my voice (which let's face it, everyone did since it's obnoxious) . I really hope that Nick has a better week because things have not being going well for him at the moment. But I am thinking about him and wishing him the best. We all have some low points, but I'm here for him and I know he's there for me if i need him. Thanks for looking out for us this weekend.

An attempt at another mirror shot for Saturday night, but I messed this up a little bit. But most of the time the pictures you mess up always have the best memories. Although, the hot green tea I'm holding in my hand did jack squat for my voice. I was hoping it would help, because hot vernors (ew) does, so I figured something else hot would do the same. Not quite. I'll remember that from this picture.

These are just two other pictures that I like. I had a fun weekend, but unfortunately some not so good things happened on Saturday night. I won't give the details, but I love my friends and I'm here for them when they need me. I hope everything turns out all right and a calm week will hopefully smooth some things out.

Good thing I can type

2010-11-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm worried and quite annoyed because I have no voice. I've had a sore throat all week and Thursday evening it decided to just disappear. Well it really needs to come back soon because it is terrible to have hardly any voice, and the sounds that I do make sound raspy and like a man. It's a hassle to even have a conversation with someone and then they make fun of me anyway and won't take me seriously.

I'm worried because I've been sick for a week and I don't seem to be getting all that better. I feel like it's something that's going to be sticking around for a little while because I still have to play soccer, go to school, and work. I'm trying to get as much sleep as I can, but I have so much to do right now. I feel like this is the busiest time of the semester for me, especially this weekend in general, and it doesn't help that two of my closest friends are back for the weekend from college and I don't see them often. I love that they're here, but I also have stuff I need to do =/

I hate not having a voice. I have to think twice as much about what I say because I can't ramble on an on like I usually do. I have to make every word count. I guess people might see this as a good thing since I'm not talking as much, but still, I can't hold a conversation so then they get mad. I can't win. I'm looking everywhere for my voice but I can't find it. I think I need to work a little harder on my detective skills because this is on case that needs to be cracked.

Media

2010-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

I have a worry that the media has gotten away from its real purpose, to report the news to the citizens. Too much now we only hear fluffy topics geared towards what interests people the most so the company can make money. The media should be informing the public, not just telling them what they want to hear.

When people think of the media these days they automatically put up a wall and the first words to come out of their mouths are biased, money-hungry, advertising, etc, but they all have a negative connotation. It's no longer seen as an entity for the people, so that they receive proper information. I worry that the media will never go back to this. Growing up, I've always seen the media as having that job of relaying information to the people, or that's how I think that it's supposed to be. I wanted to be a journalist so I could tell the people things that they don't know, to uncover truths that are hidden in society.

It has gotten away from reporting on the things that are important to what will make money and keep the people happy. Telling the truth isn't always going to make people happy. You have to dig deep to get the real story, and that's what should be happening still, not just dancing around the subject without going further. I think the media has an obligation to the people to tell them things that they don't know, but it has gotten away from this. I don't blame people for seeing the media as something that we should be skeptical of. Will media be able to ever come back to the righteous, objective self that it's supposed to be? In our world of capitalism, probably not. Everyone is interested in making money and no one is there to truly serve the people. Why? Why can't we just care about doing the right thing and making a difference to people?

Hello Dean

2010-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

This is a picture I took with my camera Dean of a lighthouse while I was up in Marquette. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a lot of pictures because it was extremely windy and cold on the water and my hands were numb. I'm not as into taking pictures of scenery, even though I always think nature looks pretty, I would just rather take pictures of people and capture their personality in a photo. So here's a picture I took in high school of Evan Thompson.

He is an intense Republican and I feel like there are not a lot of high schoolers that are as dedicated as Evan was, especially enough to have a flag. I loved this picture and I like taking things more like this. Also, I like taking sports pictures. Sort of like this one:

I love taking rapid shot photos and getting one that you get in thesplit moment you have to get the shot. There was one picture I took of a kid playing soccer, and I got an unbelievable shot of him doing a bicycle kick, which is a rare occurrence in general, so I was excited that I got the photo. People make photos interesting. I wish that Flint was a bigger school and had more sporting events to get reaction shots from the students, fans, and players. That's more how like my high school was and there was always people to take pictures of. I just have to figure out how to do that now because that's really what I like to take pictures of the most. People have stories to tell, and sometimes it's the most inspiring to see that through a photograph. Pictures can hold more meaning than words can with the emotion that can be captured.

To run is to live

2010-11-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

One thing I look forward to each day is running. I know people think I'm probably crazy, but there's nothing like the feeling of running, especially if you're outside with the wind rushing past you.
Running is my high; it makes me feel free and it's like nothing can touch me. I run to calm myself, to think, to feel in control, to feel everything just for a short period of time.

This weekend I was at Northern University to visit one of my best friends, and it was actually nice enough to run outside, so I did, because I honestly get restless if I don't sometimes. I ran for about 40 minutes through the town of Marquette and by the little shops to the water. I ran in the morning so the sun on the water was a spectacular sight. When I run I feel like I'm running towards something, but also running away from things at the same time. No matter what, a run always makes me feel better.

It's a time where I can just be my myself and focus on me. Plus, listening to music is always a good thing. I'm worried how I would be without running, or working out in general. Well, actually, I sort of know the answer to this question because it happened to me once before in my life when I had a breathing problem and I couldn't really run because there was no way to fix my shortness of breath. I took a long time off and I always felt heavy and bogged down. I just don't want that to happen again. It scares me to think of losing something that makes me feel so good for a change. It's something real. I feel the pavement under my feet, I feel the sweat slowly dripping from the brow of my forehead down my face, I feel the pain in my legs (but a good pain), I feel myself grasp for the air, I feel myself pushing to the limits, and it feels right, normal.
Let's just say I'm crazy for running... and I think it may just feel the same way for me :)

Road Trip

2010-11-05T08:32:00.001-07:00

Worries on a road trip according to Roxy's father:
Death by tire blowing out some random guy killing us and burning us with gasoline so there is no evidence.
Serial killer knocking out our teeth so they can't identify the body.
Deer. Enough said. (And I know this can be dangerous because my friend has hit multiple deer and let's just say his car is a trooper. I love you Karen- Carlton misses you).
Running out of gas and not getting to the side of the road quick enough and a car smashing into the back of us since were slowing down and then running into the center divider. That one sounds fun.
Pulling up next to a car and a crazy zombie man with incredible jumping skills flies onto the hood of our car with a crow bar and.. Well I think you can probably see what comes next with a weapon like that.
Being abandoned in the middle of no where, since we are heading to Marquette, and being watched by the "hills." A bum would probably walk toward us from out of nowhere and do something creepy. I'm not going to specify this because there are plent of creepy things that could be done but I don't really want to actually think about them.
A less interesting death would be to lose control of our car because of ice or snowy roads, because unfortunately it is snowing :(

All I can say is I hope we make it there safely. Thank you to Mr. Nitsos for making us nervous on our what would have been exciting trip to go see our best friend at school.

Without You

2010-11-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite singers is Keith Urban. Absolutely love him and his beautiful voice. His new CD comes out November 16th and "Without You" is one of his new songs. I love the sincerity in this song because it's nice to tell the important people in your life that their love means something to you.

I do believe that the people we love make our lives that much more meaningful. Things just don't mean the same when you don't have the people there to make it what it is. I'm thankful that I have the people in my life that make it worth it. And even though one person isn't here as much anymore, my life still means so much more than it did before.

Keith says that all that he does doesn't mean the same thing without you. I feel the same. Without you I never would be this person.
"Without you I'd survive, but I'd have to have the notion that I could live this life just going through the motions."

Sometimes a little love can give people the wings they need to carry them through life. Friendship and love gives people more strength than I think they realize it can. It's just knowing that someone cares about you that makes life worth living... it gives us a reason to wake up each day because we know we mean something in this world, even though we're less than a dot on a map.

I worry that people may not have this feeling enough. Like with Lauren's topic on bullying and suicide, love can do wonders if we just show it more. Stop the bullying and the fighting and try to care. It's what we all really want, to actually mean something. Love with your heart and appreciate the good things in life, the things we can't pay for, because those things usually mean the most.

I love you and I'd be nothing without you.

$8

2010-11-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

I feel a tad pathetic. I was on "extremely low" for my gas gauge, so I needed to get some obviously. Well, I went in to prepay the cashier and I said, "$8 on pump 6." He looked at me like, did you just say $8? Sadly, that is all the money I have. It was funny actually because I was just shrugged my shoulders because I mean that's all I had to put in. It won't get me very far, but I needed it at the moment. I really feel like a college student right now when I have absolutely no money and I come home everyday to eat. I hardly turn on my heat so that I won't waste more gas than I have to. I think I should starting bringing a blanket in the car so that I won't be as cold. Good idea? Pretty sad, but sure, I guess it could work.What keeps me in good spirits is my music. I just blast the jam and rock out and it makes everything better.

That reminds me of another story. I was hardcore dancing in my car to sexy bitch, which is just a great song ;) and oh so true. Well I was stopped at a street light and didn't let up on my dancing one bit. I looked over and the girl was laughing at me and I just kept on going. I was thinking, your laughing is not fazing me at all, I'm just going to go harder. So I did. It's little moments like that that make me smile and enjoy life. Have fun, look like an idiot, and keep going. This is meee.

Blog or Journal?

2010-10-31T21:39:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately I have stopped writing as much on my blog.. I know this is a requirement which makes it seem that much more substantial, but I've found an outlet that has taken me into it's pages and gotten feelings out that I can't display elsewhere. It's my journal.
I've found that I have so many thoughts running through my head and I always find myself wanting to write them down but I never seem to because I never had anywhere to put these pretty little thoughts. Well, they're not all pretty, so scratch that. Most of the things I'm feeling I can't really put on here, so I've found a mixture of emotions transcending from my mind, to my fingers, to pen, to paper. It makes me feel better to know that my thoughts don't just disappear. I don't know why, but I like to remember how I think and feel about certain situations.

My thoughts aren't exactly important to the rest of the world, but they're important to me in a way that I don't exactly understand. But it's a good way to document things that I otherwise cannot when it's only floating through my head. There are things I want people to know, things I want to do that are far fetched, things that scare me, things that excite me... basically it's just me, raw and uncovered in thing sheets of paper bound together in a book. There's something refreshing and relieving about being able to put your thoughts on something and knowing it's actually there. They are not just make believe strings of words coursing through my head, they're actual, literal thoughts, that may not be sane, but no less real.

It's a way for me to tell something, someone how I'm feeling, even if it's only myself that I'm telling. All I know is that it makes me feel better, but I forget that I still have to write on here. Oops =/

Falling out

2010-10-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm worried about my friends. All of them, whether they play a big role or a small role in my life, or whether they are in my life now or they were in the past.

We all say and do some stupid things, but I still care about them in some way. There are a lot of changes happening in my life and I'm having difficulties, but my friends are always there for me, and I am always there for them. There are some that I may fall out of touch with, and maybe people can't accept that for the reasons why it really took place, but I still hope they are happy and make good decisions on their journey through life.

It's hard to stay respectful and just live and let live, but I try to be for the most part. I feel bad that I may have hurt this persons feelings, but I never was outright calling her self-centered or rude. There were things that we both did that were wrong, but I can see that and you think I'm just throwing it all away, when really it has been a battle for me to make you see that you were somewhat in the wrong too.

I don't throw away the things that really matter to me. And I didn't try to throw her out, I just had new things in my life and she became different as well. I think that's the hardest part for us to do, to admit that we were in the wrong too. I admit it, I was in the wrong at times, but not admitting that she was wrong too only makes me feel like I'm better. I don't need things that are bogging me down with unnecessary stress right now. If she was the friend that she says she is then she would know that. But I still want the best for her. I hope that she can make new friends and start to change how she interacts with her friends.

This happened because it had to. I want to move on with life, but not forget the fun times we did share together once. I wish the best for all my friends and hope that they can stay on the right path. Well I guess I actually want that for everyone, but that seems like too big of a wish. I know we're all going to have troubles in life, but stay true to your friends and we'll get through it.

Work

2010-10-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Right now I am busy with work. I work the entire weekend usually starting with Thursday night. I have worked at Playland Park for 6 years now. If any of you know it, it's the go-kart place on Dort Hwy.

Well right now is our busiest time of the year because we have a haunted house, Saint Lucifer's Asylum. This year actually, we created a second one, 13 Feet Under. I'm a manager there and I have long hours, but it has been great for me right now because I really have nothing else better to do and it's kind of been an escape for me because at least at work I have something to focus on and keep me busy. The only problem is there is only one more weekend for the haunted house and I'm looking to get another job. I want to keep busy still and have that repetitious work load that I'm getting right now, but I don't know where to work.

I was thinking of applying at Borders because I've honestly wanted to work there for a really long time. But at the moment, I'm not even worried that much at where I'm working, I just want somewhere to work where I know I can get some hours and work hard. If anyone has any ideas on which places are hiring please let me know! But I think this week I will start my job hunt. I need to find something else because I've been at Playland too long and things are starting to get to me. I think it's my time to move on, since I have worked there since I was 14.

I've always been working during school, so I'm used to the demands of both. I don't want to take work away because it will give me too much down time that I don't think I'll be able to handle and I won't have any money. I haven't depended on my parents as much for money, I mean for my spending money, since before high school, so I'm used to being independent in that sense. Wouldn't that be great to be able to move out of my house and live on my own... yeah that's going a little bit too far since I don't have that much money. Mostly all I need money for right now is gas since I hardly eat and I don't have any free time to shop or do anything else for the matter.
Oh well, I'm trying to just stay busy, so job, please find me soon.

Hole

2010-10-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

So my worry for today would have to be that I have a hole in my pants. A very minuscule hole, but does it have the potential to grow bigger?

Let my go back, it is a hole on my ass. Yes. I wasn't feeling very well this morning so I put on sweatpants to come to school to be comfy. Right before I left I noticed that the hole was there and I debated changing. Since I'm tired and am not in the best health state I decided against going back in my room, taking off my shoes, putting on some jeans, then putting my shoes back on. I had a legitimate reason right?

I'm only at school for one class and then I'm going to go back home and attempt to work out, so I'll be able to change then. Here's hoping that no one notices that there is a hole on my butt. But honestly, they will be behind me so I won't know what they're saying anyway so it won't even matter. Plus, you'd be lucky to catch a glimpse ;) Yes, I'm completely kidding, don't worry.

But the one thing that does worry me is it getting bigger. I'm sure it won't, but I have that "what-if" in the back of my mind. How hilarious would that be for me to walk through the hallways with a big hole that you can see my butt cheek. I would like to think that I'd laugh along with them, and maybe I would since it is what it is, but I would be mortified at the same time.
This actually reminds me of a time in high school when my jeans ripped in my freshman year, and another time when I was going to a Crosby, Stills, and Nash concert. Both times I ripped my pants right under my butt, so there was a big spot on my leg that you could see. Thankfully, I did have sweatshirts that I could cover it up with. Since then this hasn't happened, so I'd like to not make it a third.

Book Review

2010-10-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

Secrets of Her Past
Escape. If only she could tear free from the chains that restrict her at home. Not her home in Southport, North Carolina, but her previous residence. This is the story of Katie and her new life, trying to run away from her old one. The question in her mind is will her past be following her? Literally, following her, hunting her down?
Another story by Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven still includes the elements of his romantic love stories of two people who were destined to be together, with obstacles in the way; however, this one strays away from his usual sappy, tear-inducing love story. Safe Haven brings a different side of Sparks, the dark and mysterious side.
Katie is trying to fit into the small town of Southport, living a quiet, busy life, waitressing and fixing up her desolate house. She is sheltered and only wants someplace to make her feel safe.
Safe. That’s how Katie wants to feel and that’s how she describes Southport. It’s safe.
But what is it safe from? The reader is brought along on a journey to uncover the truth behind her sudden appearance in a town where everybody knows everything about everyone. No one knows anything about Katie; probably because Katie isn’t really Katie.
Changing her identity, “Katie” flees from Boston to liberate herself from the restrictive home she once knew. She used to think that she was safe there too, until the punches and bruises came.
In Southport Katie finds the companionship of two friends; Jo, her next-door neighbor, and Alex, a widowed store owner. She begins to feel comfortable and starts to let her guard down, as she becomes closer with Jo, confiding in her some of her past, and also with spending time with Alex and his two children. Alex knows she has a past that Katie is trying to evade, but he gets to know her for the person she is, not for what she was.
The story unwraps into a hunt for this girl. The past will not give up that easily on what was lost, and Katie’s ties with Alex and his family will come to be in danger. She wanted to disappear from his radar, but he found her, like he always said he would. The past is always with her, no matter where she goes.
Breaking free is the goal. The mystery of Katie’s past and why she can’t let go constantly makes the book difficult to put down. Suckling at the timidity and evasiveness that encompasses Katie, you don’t want to leave the world Sparks created until you know what is battling in the back of her mind. It’s a fairly quick and easy read, but it’ll keep you on the edge of your seat, always wanting to turn the page one more time before you stop reading.
If you’re looking for a traditional Sparks novel that makes you fall in love with the characters and the setting of the story you’ll find that, but in an unconventional way for him. He takes a step out with new elements of darkness and sadistic intrigue that will draw the reader into the pages. You’ll find yourself wrapped in Katie’s emotional struggle from an oppressed and punishing lifestyle to trying to find a normal, bland life where she can just be her, without interference.
The change was surprising, and some of his usual followers may not appreciate the different angle, but it was a successful change of how love can overcome even the darkest of secrets.

Hello, that hurt.

2010-10-19T05:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a soccer game and I was struck twice in my shin, leaving a big bruise and red marks.
And no, I don't wear shin guards. I can't find my old ones, and usually nothing that bad happens except for a few minor bruises here and there, so I just deal with it.

Well this morning I woke up and my shin hurts when I'm walking. Not excruciatingly, but I can feel it when I walk. I have a small bump on my leg, and this reminded me of my friend when he literally had a bump on his shin the size of a tennis ball. No joke.

I started to think about that and I'm just glad that I don't have a tennis ball sized bump on my leg. I'm glad I only have a minor injury, something that won't be hanging around for long. What I keep thinking of though is how he made me touch that large lump on his leg. My response was "Ewwww no!" But I did touch it. It didn't feel good. He took his injury a lot better than I did, since I was freaking out for him.

Another extremely minor injury that I think you might find amusing is that I hurt my finger. This isn't out of the norm, but I hurt it when I went to kick the ball. I cocked my leg back and some how my hand got in the way of my foot, so my cleats told it to back off by hitting my finger with my cleat. That did not feel good. But I did score on that shot, so it wasn't all that bad. I think it's funny though when I do something as stupid as that to hurt myself. I also cleated myself so many times once in a game on the inside of my ankle that I gave myself a bruise and torn skin, making it rub against my shoe when I ran which didn't feel pretty. This was my fault and no one else. Maybe I should be worried about my safety when I'm around myself. Wait, that's all the time. There's no way I can outrun myself. Oh well, I'll just have to come equipped with padding.

Please, no one be as dumb as me sometimes. Thank you.

Ta-Ta-Ta-Taylor

2010-10-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have a legitimate question that I think some of you could understand where I'm coming from with this: has Taylor Swift really had that many boyfriends that she thought was the one or had her heart broken to write four minute songs about, and only being 21?

What brings this to mind is the release of her new CD coming out in a few days. I brought up my yahoo page to check my mail and I see a story about Taylor Swift and how they wonder if one of her new songs is bashing the maybe relationship between her and John Mayer.

The article goes into explaining what each song is about and how most of them are about guys. I'm not the biggest Swift fan, but I'm not going to lie when I say that I do like some of her songs. The stories behind the songs are usually cute and interesting, something that girls can relate to, but seriously, has she had that many relationships that have gone bad or has she just been making up that they're all about different guys.

I just find it amusing that a girl can have so many heart-wrenching loves before she can legally drink. I understand that we have flings, but her flings turn into her dreaming of an entire life with a guy in her new song "Mine" after he put his arm around her by the water. Everything else in the song was what she imagined their life could have been together. And then the next song is about Taylor Lautner, then some guy she met once in New York after an email they shared, and then to some other guy. Were they all that special? Just curious. They may have been, but it's something I think and wonder about.

I guess we're all different because there is only one person that I've truly felt a certain way for. I know I'm only 19, but compared to Swift, I've got a lot of catching up to do. Unfortunately, that won't be happening any time soon for me because I'm not that type of girl, but I would hate for me to be a guy she dated and have a bad song written about me.. just saying.

Can any of you relate to her numerous loves?

Do I deserve this?

2010-10-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

One thing that has been bothering me is that I feel like I've been awarded something that I don't deserve. I know this sounds crazy, and I should be happy, but for some reason it just feels wrong to me, like it belonged to me before but not now.

At the beginning of the semester I was invited to be part of the Golden Key Honor Society, if any of you know it. And just last week I was invited to be part of an honor society on campus for my English major. Normally this would be a good thing, and my parents are proud of me for having good grades to get stuff like this, but this semester has been different for me and I don't feel like I'm living up to the old student that I was before that earned the grades to be excellent.

My grades are still fine right now, but I find it so hard to focus right now and I don't spend as much time studying as I probably should be. I squeeze by on all of my assignments (times wise) but still get good grades. I don't feel like the studious person I was before and it bothers me. I think I can get back to that person, I just feel like I have to get used to this world now, since my life is different than my previous semesters.
I'm happy that I've been given the chance to be a part of these prestigious groups, I just hope that I'll be able to live up to how they see me. I feel like I'm cheating the system right now, even though I know I'm really not. I've gotten a little better with my school work than I had been a few weeks ago, so I hope that I'll be continuing to make strides to be the student I was before. Time is all it takes.

The place where a kid can be a kid

2010-10-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

We're all kids inside aren't we? Well travel back to the place where a kid can be a kid: Chuck E Cheese's. It's nice to go back to a time where all I had to think about was what game I wanted to spend my token on or what to buy with my tickets.

My sister took me there on Wednesday for my half birthday. Don't ask me why, but she feels that it is necessary to celebrate your half birthday and she gets mad when no one recognizes it for her. She bought me a sparkling tiara as well to make me feel like a special little girl =)

We figured out that the best way to spend one token is to get your picture taken, where it's sketched out and printed right there for you. We spend at least 20 minutes sitting there taking pictures over and over again. Goofy ones, cute ones, you name it. This was my only worry; having fun with my sister. Which this is not a worry in itself, just a sense that you need to take a trip down memory lane and remember when having fun was the only worry we had. It's funny to think that when we were younger we used to get upset at not having enough time to play outside or having to go to bed early. Now we hardly have enough time to play at all and we wish we had time to sleep.

Chuck E Cheese is a fun place to be. From the food to the games to the picture booth, it truly is a place where a kid can be a kid. Even though we grow up on the outside, there's still going to be the kid part of us inside, although it might not show all the time. But it's good to be a kid sometimes. Who says that growing up has to take the fun out of everything? We make our own lives, so why not unleash the kid inside sometimes, get in the car, and head to the place with the big scary mouse.

Weight

2010-10-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

I know it's not a bad thing to lose weight. Most people want to. I normally exercise daily, but now it's become multiple times daily.

I've lost 15 pounds in the last month or so. I used to be over what my weight "should" be. Now I'm under.
Whenever I find time I try to get in my 20 minute run. I also play soccer three times a week so like on Monday I ran twice, played in my soccer game for an hour, then went home and biked.

We have a workout area in my basement so I have easy access to exercise whenever I want to. My dad came downstairs to say goodnight to me and he asked if I was living down there now. To me it seems like a good place to be. It makes me feel good to run, but at the same time I know it's probably not the best thing for me to be doing it this much. Plus I haven't been eating as much, so that's double the trouble.

I don't know how long this workout frenzy will last, but all I know is that I'm using a substantial amount of shampoo washing my hair so much afterward.

2010-10-13T05:05:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly sick of worrying. What is the point?
It only adds extra stress into my life that I don't need. Right now, all I need is to be alone.
I need to concentrate on myself because that is the only person I have control over.

I know it's good to be considerate about others, and I'm not saying that I'm ditching everyone because we still need to care about the ones we love, but there are times that you need to focus solely on yourself and make sure that you make it out alive.

This is my way of thinking right now. Think about myself to get through the day. Focus on homework, exercise, and work. This is where I'm at.

Just a list..

2010-10-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

I worry that people won't know how much they truly mean to me.

I worry that I won't mean the same to someone as they do to me.

I worry that I hold on when I shouldn't, even though I know I'm never gonna let go, so what's the point in worrying about it?

I worry that the closest people to me will slip away because I try to hold on too tightly.

I worry that we, as humans, are too ignorant to face the truth and what's truly best for us.

I worry about those closest to me because I would rather suffer than watch them suffer (even if it might be the hardest thing for me to deal with).

I worry that I will lose you forever.

I worry that I won't make it.

I worry that I won't be the one.

I worry that you're the bigger person than me. I worry that you see that and look down on me.

I worry that you don't know that I look up to you and admire all of your hard work and dedication.

I worry that you don't think I can handle the situation, when I really know that it is somewhat true, but I won't give in that easily. I will handle it, no matter what, even with pain in it.

I worry that you won't see the light that shines from my face when I'm around you.

I worry that I'll scare you away with all of my worrying.

I worry that you don't know that I'm scared of the future as well and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Is that better or worse than you since you know what you're doing?

I worry that I'll never see you in the way I used to see you or how I see you in my dreams.

I, however, don't worry about how I won't feel differently. I've come to terms with these worries and I'm going to live each day with them. They're starting to become a part of me. I might not define myself by this, but these things are always in the back of my mind. I don't worry that you won't have someone to love you because I know I do. I don't worry about you making it, I worry about your struggles on your way to making it. I worry that you'll never see how much you do mean to me, because you're the greatest thing to me. I never worry about that, because I know it to be true.

And here's a picture of a puppy to make it end on a happier note

Sister

2010-10-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

Hello =)
This is not necessarily a post on my worries, it is rather what I do to overcome all of the worrying and stressing I do. This is me and my sister at Sephora's. I was having a rough day when this picture was taken, and to cheer me up she took me there and I got a little makeover and then put on those really obnoxious eyelashes. I walked around and the looks I got from people were hysterical. It was a fun night, and I can always count on my sister to make my day better.

Similar to Nancy's "mistress" comment about Savannah and how people wanted her to change it to her sister, I'm not saying Carrie is my mistress (LOL), but the whole point of her paper was to convey that Savannah brought out a part of her that she never knew she had and completed her in a way that nothing else could. This is how I feel about my sister, well my actual sister, flesh and blood. She brings out a part of me that I don't have with anyone else. We're goofy all the time, but we support each other. I don't get to see her that much because we both lead extensively busy lives, but the time we actually get to spend together is always the highlight of my day.

She helps me to work out my stress. When she knows that I'm having a bad day, she takes me somewhere or does something for me to show that life is still fun.

My brother comments on us as being "weird" together, but why is weird a bad thing? He's just jealous of us and our awesome characteristics and ability to have a great time together, right? Even my dad once said that I seemed like a different person around my sister. Not different as I change, but I'm more open and carefree. I joke and bounce around like I'm weightless. I love my sister. She completes a part of me that no one else really can.

I hope that everyone else has someone like this to help them through their rough patches and just be "weird" with. Being goofy isn't all that bad... it's FUN. Let your goofy side in and let some steam out. We all need to.

A Hidden Me?

2010-09-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

I think probably some of you can relate to this, but after writing my sense of place essay, I feel like I've uncovered a part of myself that I didn't quite realize existed. I mean, I knew I felt this way to a certain extent, but I found it a little creepy to feel like I hadn't really known something about myself. What other gems lie beneath the surface of my skin? Should I make a cut and try to open up some sort of Shelly chamber of secrets (yes, I'm referencing Harry Potter, for any of you other obsessive hp fans out there)to unleash knowledge of myself, to myself? Probably not the best way to go about that, since I'm afraid of knives to begin with, but I'm getting off track. Sorry. My point is, I learned something about myself from writing this paper.

At first, I didn't like my paper and I just knew there was something wrong with it. I knew sort of what I wanted to say and get across, but I didn't do it in the way I really wanted. During workshop, from the help of my peer readers, we decided that I needed to make my paper more personal, with more examples or thoughts from me, instead of my more generalizing thoughts.

This got me thinking more about myself and how I actually felt about my sense of place; the soccer field. I changed a lot of the structure to my paper and I feel exceedingly better about the angle I took. I don't know how good of a paper it is, but I'm not as concerned about that right now because I'm still astonished at how I see myself a little differently.

I'm worried. Will I find out more stuff about me. Will it be unsettling? Will it be clarifying? Will it be destructing? Whatever it will be, I know it will be interesting to find out. I think everyone should have to write something like this because it gives them some insight into their lives that maybe they never realized before either. Who knows. But sometimes the scariest thing is discovering yourself and the things you try to keep oppressed inside of you. There comes a time when you need to confront your "hidden" self so that you can learn to live happily with who you are. You might find things you don't like and some that you do, but you can't run away from yourself forever. We do it all the time, trying to convince ourselves that we aren't a certain way, but what's the point of that? What good does it really do for ourselves and our growth? Ignorance is easy and satisfying. Don't ask don't tell.

Ask. Tell.

The Heart of Life is Good

2010-09-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good"

These are some lyrics from John Mayer's song "Heart of Life." You can listen to the song here if you'd like
I was listening to it earlier and I like how he says that things don't happen exactly how we like it and things will be bad at times, but in general, life is good. And it's true that fear is misunderstood. This song also just has a good melody to it and I love listening to it.

We all have difficult times in our life, but we tend to look down on life and not appreciate all the wonderful things it does for us. I can't say that I always have this outlook, but we have to try looking at it like this.

And fear is misunderstood I believe. Yes, fear is scary and people try to stay away from it. But I think that fear drives us to our deepest desires sometimes because to get what we want, it's never an easy journey.

I guess this post isn't really about a worry I have.. but it's just something to think about. All of John Mayer's songs make me think. They all have so much truth to them, and I think we can actually learn more about ourselves from his words.

What friends?

2010-09-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

This title is exactly how I feel. College is supposed to bring you new friends but mine has seemed to almost do the opposite. Three of my close friends have moved away so I never see them, and one of those friends I have lost touch with somewhat. So, I talk to them occasionally but I hardly ever see them. My best friend that lives here is hard to see because we're always in class and we work basically opposite shifts. Then there's my sister, my ultimate best friend, but she has a job and is busy all during the week so I never get to hang with her either.

I love going to U of M-Flint, but at times I don't like the part that it's harder to make friends. I go to class, then go to the lab to do homework, then go back to class, and then I go home. This leaves no time to really make friends that I'm going to spend time with outside of school. Yes, there are people I talk to in my classes, but that's as far as it ever goes. I have friends at work, but they're in high school. Yeah, I'm lame.

I just wish that I could make more friends here at college. People say that the friends you make in college will stay with you for a lifetime... so does that mean I will not have friends for the rest of my lifetime? I'm making it a little more dramatic than it really is, but I'm concerned that I look to do things but can't find anyone to do it with. I don't think I'm a completely terrible person to be around, so hopefully I can try making some new friends. I just think that it's harder to do in this setting than at colleges where everyone is staying in dorms and almost forced to mingle right away. I want to be able to enjoy the college atmosphere more, and don't get me wrong, I love it here at Flint, but sometimes I feel alone on campus. This is a worry I have that I wish I didn't have, because we all need to relax with friends to make life more enjoyable. I need to figure out a way to get this back in my life again. One more thing to be on my mind... oh, to be a college student =)

Focusing

2010-09-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had a difficult time focusing on my homework.

Obviously, this is not a good thing.

The weird part is that I've never really had a time where I've had a hard time focusing, so it's a really different feeling to me. I honestly don't know why this has just started for me. I don't know if it's the classes, or just me. I actually enjoy my courses, but the homework to me is just, for a lack of a better word, dumb. It just seems somewhat pointless sometimes. But it's bugging me because I'm starting to have more trouble with doing my homework at night, so I've been waking up at 5:30 in the morning to do it. This way I know that have to get it done soon, so I'm pressured into focusing. Is that bad? I'm getting sick of waking up when it's so early. I spend like four and a half hours with no one around before my first class, so it's peaceful, but kind of spooky at the same time.

I guess I've just been going through some changes lately. To me, time seems to be going by really slowly and I don't necessarily like that feeling. I took spring and summer classes and I liked the fast pace of them and only having two classes to be full time. It was nice to be focused on just a few concepts, instead of five. It's nice to have variety, but it's like my brain is really scattered and I have to keep going over and over what needs to be done for each day for each class. My brain gets a little tired, I'm not going to lie.

It might just be because I've had so much on my mind lately.. I don't think I've had so many changes/stresses before that have bogged me down. I'm trying to get past everything and continue to stay focused and I hope I can do this. I will know for sure by the end of the semester if I could stay focused or not based on my grades =/ I'm trying.